[Magnoliy]

Well heres the thing I know theres something Im missing in life as it seems that I dont really enjoy conversations with by far most others.

Im not a fan of small talk at all unless theres an instant 'spark' which is very rare. Why do I generally dislike small talk? Its meaningless nature is usually as boring as anything and possibly the worst thing of them all is that some people draw wrong conclusions and start thinking that I actually enjoy listening to them discuss literally nothing.

'The spark' that rarely comes is something that I cant describe but it usually starts when the other person says something thats "in my opinion" is worth giving a thought, in that case my brain reacts by continuation of his/her thought while expecting the talker to counter it with something thats again thought provoking. This is rare to me and its mostly that what I find interesting.

Many others seem to enjoy long meaningless conversations about things that appear to be obvious and not worth the time/effort to discuss them at all. In fact it may even seem that the majority of us humans get stuck in these 'details'.

Heres an example: (Im a European but I will use an international example). Lets imagine the leader of some country. Many, but luckily not everyone are either pro or against him or het and love discussing "the decisions" that this hypothetical leader makes. Yet I see by far most of these decisions as 'details', since they are usually very obvious. What does interest me is why is it that some people are so strongly pro or against the leader of their country and especially what kind of a void this love or hate fills in their psyche since they are so passionate and emotional about that guy.

Another problem or inconvenience in comms is that MANY people think that Im projecting my desires on things, events etc while Im only pointing out what I see. Basic example: a while ago I wrote on that in my eyes the very powerful American military serves different purposes including maintaining the dollar as world's most trusted currency.
This is only an opinion that obviously can be debated, yet many assumed that by giving this opinion in a neutral way means that I support the idea of the US army killing people and called me a murderer and more. While all I said was what I think I see which is not related to how I would like to see the world.
And this happens a lot as well. "Oh he says something then it means he is supporting it".

There are literally 3 persons I like talking to (a lot) and one of them is my dentist who I rarely see at all. Is this how many others experience the reality as well?

[AzulOscuro]

I reflect myself a lot with your thread. I feel attracted in what communication regards to pretty much the same as you.
The extreme for me is when someone who needs to socialise or putting his things out there rushes into you without knowing you and in this first conversation they tell you what was and goes on their lives.
I guess they must be feel alone, or maybe they are very extrovert or even it’s possible that my politeness gives them the impression that I’m interested at hearing a whole monologue about them.
Maybe if they were a little more focused on what’s going on outside them, they will also notice the screams of my body language.

My impression is that small talk is something only “necessary” as a minor evil to give chance to deeper or funnier conversations. In my case, I don’t find it only boring but I lack of skills to force myself to do it because of my social anxiety.

Finally, in regards to how having a more objective opinion or share the same view about a particular matter with someone, without implying that you share with them a whole political corpus, and how you are quickly classified as belonging to a particular type or group of people as soon as you open your mouth to express an opinion, I think it has to be with our gems even. We have so far a need to share with a group of people the same ideas, customs, tradition, ideas... not only as opposed to another group but as a way to feel accepted within your own group. So, everything it would be better for your survival.
We are attached to our convictions, cultural traditions, our prejudices because it’s what we have and having to change them, fills us with fear because maybe, we are not gonna be accepted by our social group so, our survival will depend on it.

Sorry, but when someone touches an interesting topic, I can’t avoid some kind of excitement and I write too much.

[guilloche]

Yes! Magnoliy - have you read about Meyers-Briggs personality typing at all, by chance?

I relate to a lot of what you're saying. I crave deeper, more interesting conversations that go beyond people recounting the details of their lives (or their friends and families lives!)

I think that might be related to being "intuitive" (N) in Meyers-Briggs. People who are considered "intuitive" tend to focus on more abstract concepts and hypotheticals, how things will play out. Versus "sensors" (S) who are more concrete. Apparently, something like 75% of people are sensors, so they tend to be a bit more common out in the world.

I don't enjoy small talk, but have made my peace with it. For me, I've come to accept that you need it at the beginning of a relationship to start to learn about the other person, what they value and how they think. It gives you a way to start to get to know someone without accidentally hitting on volatile topics that might turn ugly quickly.

I don't know how to find more people to have interesting conversations with though. And, I'm finding that (as an introvert) I tend to suck at actually initiating these conversations... I'm trying to be better at it, but I guess when most people don't share your interests, the chances that someone is going to respond positively when you toss out a conversational hook is low.

What I've found confusing is that, even people who seem to be interested and curious about things, sometimes seem to be terrible conversational partners. I have a friend who is interested in philosophy and making an effort to read some dense philosophical books... how cool, right! So I asked him, the book that he's reading, has there been anything really surprising to him? Anything new he learned, or that he thinks about differently now? What's his biggest takeaway from the book?

Good questions, I thought. Good opportunity to talk about what you're reading.

He told me... "Well, I don't understand most of it, so I'm not sure. I just want to be able to say that I read it, because I think that's cool."

How do you respond to that? It's hard for me to imagine reading something just to impress people, how do you even work that into conversations if you can't talk about the content?!?

Sigh. So, no answers here... but I can relate!

[Magnoliy]

Originally Posted by AzulOscuro

The extreme for me is when someone who needs to socialise or putting his things out there rushes into you without knowing you and in this first conversation they tell you what was and goes on their lives.

Desperation and clingy needy nature is a huge red flag for me, I usually run away from such people.

I guess they must be feel alone, or maybe they are very extrovert or even it’s possible that my politeness gives them the impression that I’m interested at hearing a whole monologue about them

.

Yes running away is the best solution imo. Especially considering how personal such pl tend to get sometimes.

My impression is that small talk is something only “necessary” as a minor evil to give chance to deeper or funnier conversations. In my case, I don’t find it only boring but I lack of skills to force myself to do it because of my social anxiety.

Every small talk is different but what Im usually looking for is to see how one reacts to simple metaphors which I tend to use a lot sometimes. And to my kind of humor as well.

Finally, in regards to how having a more objective opinion or share the same view about a particular matter with someone, without implying that you share with them a whole political corpus, and how you are quickly classified as belonging to a particular type or group of people as soon as you open your mouth to express an opinion, I think it has to be with our gems even. We have so far a need to share with a group of people the same ideas, customs, tradition, ideas... not only as opposed to another group but as a way to feel accepted within your own group. So, everything it would be better for your survival.
We are attached to our convictions, cultural traditions, our prejudices because it’s what we have and having to change them, fills us with fear because maybe, we are not gonna be accepted by our social group so, our survival will depend on it.

For me its a part of the annoying 'making assumptions' part of the conversation. Another red flag tbh. "Does your mind keep creating its own truths by any projective mechanism? Do these "truths" that you have created influence the course of the conversation in a way that annoys me and prevents an openminded conversation? Again, in that case I easily run away.

[AzulOscuro]

Originally Posted by Magnoliy

Desperation and clingy needy nature is a huge red flag for me, I usually run away from such people.

.

Yes running away is the best solution imo. Especially considering how personal such pl tend to get sometimes.



Every small talk is different but what Im usually looking for is to see how one reacts to simple metaphors which I tend to use a lot sometimes. And to my kind of humor as well.




For me its a part of the annoying 'making assumptions' part of the conversation. Another red flag tbh. "Does your mind keep creating its own truths by any projective mechanism? Do these "truths" that you have created influence the course of the conversation in a way that annoys me and prevents an openminded conversation? Again, in that case I easily run away.

Me too, if I can run away, I do it.
Life is too short to waste time making connections you know are not gonna go anywhere.

[Magnoliy]

Originally Posted by guilloche

Yes! Magnoliy - have you read about Meyers-Briggs personality typing at all, by chance?

Not really but Im going to look that up now.

I know that personally I score very high on neuroticism and that quality can become quite visible under negative stress sometimes.

I relate to a lot of what you're saying. I crave deeper, more interesting conversations that go beyond people recounting the details of their lives (or their friends and families lives!)

Some people may share certain things during these conversations even that they draw wrong conclusions from relatively simple events. Yet I do agree that the added value for the listener is usually negligible.

I think that might be related to being "intuitive" (N) in Meyers-Briggs. People who are considered "intuitive" tend to focus on more abstract concepts and hypotheticals, how things will play out. Versus "sensors" (S) who are more concrete. Apparently, something like 75% of people are sensors, so they tend to be a bit more common out in the world

Imo: the best conversation is nearly all about metaphors and abstract concepts. The interesting thing is that given the rarity of such conversations I couldn't give examples of what I even mean, if I had to explain this, as when such unusual events do happen, the flow of the conversation seems as natural and spontaneous as anything.
In other words I can not make up an example, yet there are 2-3 pl who Im blessed enough to know in real life who easily trigger a river inside that suddenly starts flowing and producing such abstract, weird, metaphoric things which are countered by whatever the other minds produce. Unfortunately such encounters are very rare in my life.

I don't know how to find more people to have interesting conversations with though. And, I'm finding that (as an introvert) I tend to suck at actually initiating these conversations... I'm trying to be better at it, but I guess when most people don't share your interests, the chances that someone is going to respond positively when you toss out a conversational hook is low

Imo: Im ready to listen anyone's any interest for as long as he or she shows me the big picture of things, preferably in a funny way.. not sure whether this makes sense.

And this raises another trigger in my brain: to me it seems that by far most people seem to get lost in irrelevant details, by irrelevant I may also mean obvious one's or one's that mean no added value if discussed.

he told me... "Well, I don't understand most of it, so I'm not sure. I just want to be able to say that I read it, because I think that's cool."

How do you respond to that? It's hard for me to imagine reading something just to impress people, how do you even work that into conversations if you can't talk about the content?!?

I think it could make sense to fake intelligence like your friend is trying, since some gullible minds may buy into this and yield whatever perks there are (not sure which one's) but I can easily distinguish such fakes as truly intelligent people operate with what they have learned and use the knowledge in ways that many others may not fully understand instead of claiming to know something.

And I respond to that in the worst possible way or by unfriending the person irl or/and online. Harsh but fair as such a person can not win over my friendship.