[*freak*]

Hi.
I recently lost my grandfather and I seem to be unable to deal with this. I simply can't. The pain is unbearable. I don't know what to do. What I do know is that I can't make it on my own. I have nobody to talk to and there are no support groups in my area. I don't think this is one of the wounds that time can heal, because I'm still not getting any better after 24 days, 19 hours and approximately 45 minutes. I really don't know what to do or even imagine what on earth could possibly make me feel better after such a traumatic event.
If someone has any suggestions or any ideas at all, please let me know. Any comment will be much appreciated.
Thank you so much for reading this

Hi *freak*,

I'm sorry to hear about your grandfather. 24 days is in no way enough time to begin to heal. Heck, after 24 days you're probably still in shock and numb and afraid to grieve because the pain might crush you.

All of that is okay. Everyone grieves differently and they do it in their own time, so please try not to set any limits or time frames. Try to get some rest and nourishment because sometimes grief is so "in your face" that we forget to take care of ourselves. Loss just plain sucks.

Can you find a therapist in your area that can help you begin to deal with it?
Coming here and talking about it can also be very helpful or maybe try one of these websites.

http://www.groww.org/

http://www.journeyofhearts.org/

http://www.onlinegriefsupport.com/forum

[*freak*]

Thank you for your reply and your kindness Orange_Blossom, it really made me feel better.
I don't know about looking for a therapist, but I'm definitely going to check out the links you posted.
I was thinking about buying one of those books that are supposed to help you overcome the loss of a loved one, but then it occured to me that I'm not even sure I want to overcome something like this. The thing is that I was there when he died, I stayed by his side for hours at the hospital and it was just horrible. He was in pain, he suffered for the whole night because the painkillers weren't working any more and I couldn't do anything but watch him suffer. I mean... how can I accept that? He didn't deserve it. He was the nicest person I've ever known and yet he would have died alone if it wasn't for me. It just seems wrong to accept what happened and the way it happened... I feel like moving on means to betray him somehow... not to care any more, not to love him any more. And I don't want to stop loving him, even if he's gone.
I don't know if any of this makes sense, I'm confused

It makes perfect sense to me. I was a little girl when my father died and it really messed me up. I am finding out now that I held on tight to my grief because that was all I had left of him. If I let that go, then what would I have.

Grief meant love. I wore it like a badge of courage. Look at me. Look how much I loved him.

That became so ingrained in me that I did the same thing when my brothers died. To move on seemed a betrayal.

Keep talking. There are a lot of us who totally get it.

[*freak*]

Thanks again
This is the perfect description of the way I feel now. It helps so much knowing that other people feel the same, although it's bad of course and I wish no one had to deal with this kind of pain... It's just good to know that it's all "part of the process" and that coping with it is possible, eventually.

Oh and the websites you linked are very useful, so thank you for those and for the hug

[nightbird]

(((((((((freak))))))))))

I'm so sorry for your loss and the experience you had ~

May peace come to you soon.

Peace and Condolences,
Night
xoxo

[bearchic34]

Freak, I know it is hard to imagine ever feeling better. like orange said 24 days is not even close to enough time. Grief usually takes about 2 years to really work through. And thats if you are quote normal unquote.
One day you will realize you are smiling about something, then you are gonna feel guilty, "I shouldn't be happy, I should be miserable forever" but you will still slowly start to smile and laugh again. Things you used to enjoy may not interest you anymore but you will find new things that do. We, at my support group, call this the "new normal"
Would your granddad want you miserable? No! He loved you! he would want you to get one with your life and have a happy and full one. He would want to be in your heart but not holding it down. Be gentle with yourself. grief is an ugly beast......

[*freak*]

Nightbird and Bearchic34, thank you from the bottom of my heart. I mean it. I didn't expect to receive such support... I don't know what I was expecting, probably nothing. I just registered and asked for help without thinking about the responses I would get because I couldn't take it anymore. I doubted something good would come out of it, but I wanted to try one last time to do something to get better. And I'm glad I did, because this works, I feel so much better when I read the replies of people who understand how I feel. I'm not used to it, I'm not good with people and most of the time I feel like a freak pretending to be human. It's so different here... It's like finding out that there are people on this planet who speak my language.
Sorry for the rambling, sometimes I get carried away a little bit . I hope it's ok if I keep posting here when I miss my granddad..

[nightbird]

Dear *freak*,

I'm so glad you came here to share your heartache.

This is a soft place to lay down ones difficulties, I agree with you.

I felt the same way when I first posted here.

I hope you stay around and make many, many friends here.

Peace and Support,
Night
xoxo