[Psyched]

Hi everyone, & condolences to all who have lost loved ones.
I lost my mom 5 weeks ago. Today is her birthday, so I'll be going to the cemetary. Personally, I don't believe that when somebody dies, that they are "watching over you"; I think when they die, it's over, & it really bothers me when people try to console me by saying that, b/c I know she isn't here for me & it's really upsetting. She suffered for a year from cancer, & I'm glad that she can rest in peace now & be out of her pain. But I can't stop remembering images of what she went thru, & my dad is having the same problem. I'm very angry that she suffered so much. I'm going to visit her grave b/c I know she would want me to do that. But I know I'm going to start talking to her & crying, & she won't be able to hear me, & it makes me not want to go. I'm also having a lot of anger issues. I'm angry at myself b/c, altho I was there for her/took care of her moreso than any of my siblings, I suffer from extreme depression & have a lot of problems in life, & I wasn't entertaining or emotionally there for her when she needed me. I can't forgive myself for that. I'm angry at her b/c, even tho everyone loved her & thought she was a wonderful person, as did I, she let me down in a lot of ways as a mother, & I'm dealing w/ that, too. Finally, I don't have any patience w/ my dad, who is all I have now, b/c he & I both suffer from the same mental illnesses (severe depression & BPD) & he is annoying me. I love him, & I want to be there for him, b/c this is the hardest thing he's ever been thru, losing his spouse of 47 years. My mom did everything for him, & I don't know how hes going to live w/out her- in fact, I'm scared that he's going to die. I keep telling myself that I won't talk to him as much & we need to have space, so that I don't yell at him. I want to be supportive. But then he says or does something so stupid, & I get so angry & yell at him again. Then I feel like the worst daughter ever. Obviously, I have a lot of anger issues w/ my father, too, & I resent that I have to take care of him emotionally when he has my siblings to lean on & I have no one but him. And I don't feel like he was ever really there to support me when I needed him, other than financially. Just very sad & pissy, so sorry if this doesn't make sense, but I felt the need to rant. This is going to be a really hard day. I can't wait until this year is over.

[Psyched]

I've had time to think this over, & I've decided that I'm not going to go today. That may seem very selfish to some of you, but I have to take care of myself right now. The last thing I need is to see my dad there crying, or to run into my siblings there, from whom I am estranged & that is more stressful to me than anything. I don't have to go to the cemetary to be with her- she is always w/ me in my heart. I will visit her grave on my birthday, which is in a few days. She was the only person in my life who I feel loved me, to some extent, so I want to be w/ her on that day. Even tho she won't know I'm there, I will. Anyway, if anyone has any advice on how to deal w/ what I've written in the above post (other than the obvious-see a therapist), I'd appreciate it. Thanks.

[bebop]

I am so sorry for your loss. What you are going thru right now is a normal part of grieving. It is so fresh right now I don't blame you for not going to the cemetary. It took me a long time before I was able to go to my mom's. Hang in there hon.

[MaggieMay93]

Dear Psyched,
What a tough time you are having. Don't ever worry about whats the right way or the wrong way to grieve for your Mom... she would understand how tough this is for you. I must have been about your age when I lost my Mom, a good number of years ago. I was lucky to have a close family and a Dad that really rallied for all of us and so I can't imagine how much tougher it is to feel that you are doing this on your own. Your Dad seems to have a very special bond with you coz you share an ability to 'feel'....don't forget that depression suggests that you are very in touch with your emotions. I know whats its like to worry about the parent you have left...thats only normal....but you are best working as a team. There will be days you carry him and days he will carry you. Also you have siblings, although you are estranged, you share a bond and hopefully they will prove to be some strength for you. The main thing I wanted to say is please believe that your Mom is looking after you...I promise you if you look for them, there will be signs and it will prove to be a great comfort to you. One of the last things My Mom said to me was 'I will stay with you as long as you stay with me'. Please believe she is watching over you and guiding you.
Good luck to you.

[Psyched]

Thanks Bebop & MaggieMay, for your kind words.
I'm not a religious person &, as I'd written, don't believe that my mother is watching over me-I rely more on scientific facts, & I do know that life is energy, & energy can neither be created nor destroyed. When she was still alive, I told her that I don't know what will happen to that "energy" (soul) that is her, but that I do know that it will never be extinguished. We agreed & I think it made her feel better. My beliefs didn't stop me from asking her to give me a "sign" after she passes. She told me she would think about what she would do. But when I asked her again what it was, she was in so much pain & so sick that she just replied, "I don't know" & didn't want to think about it. So I never got an answer. The day after her funeral, I literally thought I was going to die of loneliness & a broken heart & cried & begged for her to please give me a sign that she is still w/ me b/c I didn't think that I could go on living in this world w/out knowing that she was still w/ me. I know she understood how alone & sad I feel, b/c she knew that I had planned to commit suicide & only stayed alive for her when I found out she was sick, promising that I wouldn't until after she died so I could be there w/ her. I know that she would be giving me signs, & believe me, I've looked. There was something that happened the next day that I noticed & when it happened, I cried, & told my father about it. I want very much to believe that it was her. My dad & I both believe that sometimes people see things that they want to believe, b/c one of my siblings says his wife "heard her voice telling her something that came true", & his wife is the last person in the family my mom would speak to if she could (we know she's lying, which is really sick) & none of my other siblings, who aren't even as skeptical as I am, have reported any signs whatsoever. And so I really don't know if that's what I'm doing. I keep wondering why she would only do something once & never again if she were really looking after me or is with me. But no one knows what really happens after another dies, & maybe it was her only chance of saying goodbye before going to another place. I really don't know, & at this point I want to believe that it really was her, so that's what I'm going to hold onto, despite that I think I'm being irrational, but I guess I need to believe it. I just need to hold onto that. It's been almost two months, & the sadness just gets worse... she was 82 & I'm lucky that I had her for that long, but I wish she didn't have to go in such a horrible way, & I just miss her so very much. I don't know what I'm going to do when my dad dies. I feel so badly for not being as supportive as I should be for him right now, but I'm in such a bad place that I don't want it to bring him down even more. All I can hope for is that the coming year will be better & that time will heal everything.