On My Way

I wrote a few weeks ago, about my mother dying of terminal cancer. I have decided to go in a few days and see her. I am staying 5 days. The waiting in limbo has become unbearable. I cannot describe the feeling of dread! How can I possibly feel love and compassion to one who has caused me a lifetime of pain! She is angry that I am only staying a short time, but I honestly dont think I could cope with more. How on earth will I get through this? And please dont say "well she is your mother after all". Because "mother" is only a word.

Compassion. Do not become her, rise above all the pain and sadness. She has such a short time left on Earth. Let her go in peace. Stay calm. Heal when you get home.

My mother died from cancer in August last year. She had been ill for years. I came across a letter I wrote to my T one month before she passed. I could never see the end to it. But it did end.

My mother was one in name only. Very scathing and constantly at me. I had had my walls up against her for most of my life. I didn't expect it to change. Luckily for both of us on her last night it did change.

You will feel what you feel. Just visit. Don't have any expectations. You dont have to feel anything. Be there for as long as you can manage. Dont feel guilty. Real life isn't some kind of story book. You cant drum up feelings that arent there.

Take care.