[anjelmarie]

My mom will be dead 4 years next week. I'm still grieving. It still hurts. Alot happened after she died. I became estranged from my siblings and we still are not as close as before. They made a decision between the two of them to take mom off life support and didn't include me in the decision. Then i guess they were guilty and so basically stopped talking to me and didn't help me clean out the apartment or anything. Also, I was unemployed and couldn't contribute to the cost of the funeral and everything and my sister made several remarks about it like it bothered her. Well we are just now speaking, my sister and i and only because i wroter her and my brother a letter about wanting to have a relationship again. We spoke by email. My sister hurt me more, she didn't want me to have a private moment with my mom when she was dying. She stood there looking at me until i said i'm not going to tell her not to die. And she said, please don't. When i went to the hospital when she first got there my sister came bouncing out of the room telling me she told her its ok to let go she had a good full life. Thats the first thing she said like she was ready for her to go. Although I want a relationship with her and my brother i still think back to the things they did and didn't do that hurt me. Plus me and mom had a complicated relationship. She had mental illness too and was difficult sometimes, well alot of the time. But I wasn't ready for her to go and I feel guilty that i didn't do as much as i feel i should have and i should have spent more time with her if feel. I should be past all of this but i'm not. All of this helped to bring my major depressive episode on. Anyway, i just needed to vent and wondered if anyone had problems with family after a death and how did they deal with it and how did people deal with complicated long term grief.

[Leed]

Hi ~ I'm so sorry you're having so much trouble. I do understand. It's difficult when you have unfinished "business" ~ such as things you wish you had done with/for your mother. I also feel like that about my Mom. And I too had trouble with my oldest sister ~ she has always been a trouble-maker, and when Mom died, she started trouble again even tho she hadn't come "home" in years!!

Please don't feel guilty about what you think you should have done ~ your Mom DID understand, believe me. And she IS with you ~ have you ever sensed her presence with you?? Haven't you smelled her perfume or just felt her being there?? Well, she's there. She's watching over you because she loves you. If you haven't felt her yet, it might be because you're too upset ~ just be calm and you'll feel her.

And remember that we DO see our loved ones again ~ when it's our time and God calls us "home" we'll be reunited with our loved ones. We just have to WAIT until God calls us.

In the meantime, try to enjoy life as your Mom would want you to do. Take care of yourself ~ and God bless you. Hugs, Lee

[anjelmarie]

Originally Posted by Leed

Hi ~ I'm so sorry you're having so much trouble. I do understand. It's difficult when you have unfinished "business" ~ such as things you wish you had done with/for your mother. I also feel like that about my Mom. And I too had trouble with my oldest sister ~ she has always been a trouble-maker, and when Mom died, she started trouble again even tho she hadn't come "home" in years!!

Please don't feel guilty about what you think you should have done ~ your Mom DID understand, believe me. And she IS with you ~ have you ever sensed her presence with you?? Haven't you smelled her perfume or just felt her being there?? Well, she's there. She's watching over you because she loves you. If you haven't felt her yet, it might be because you're too upset ~ just be calm and you'll feel her.

And remember that we DO see our loved ones again ~ when it's our time and God calls us "home" we'll be reunited with our loved ones. We just have to WAIT until God calls us.

In the meantime, try to enjoy life as your Mom would want you to do. Take care of yourself ~ and God bless you. Hugs, Lee

Thank you Leed,

I do know she is with me sometimes and i did get to say things i wanted to say to her as she was dying and i'm sure she heard me even though they say she was unconcious. I know that i'm going to be with her again one day too, i told her that when i was saying goodbye. I try to just hold on to that and try to block out any bad thoughts but they do come sometimes. Thank you so much for your kind words.

Anjelmarie

[(JD)]

I'm sorry that mourning can take so long. What you describe, however, is so often the case, especially with families.

Please be gentle with yourself. We all can have "regrets" and go through the "I should have..." and "what if"... but when we come right down to the truth, we did the best we could at the time. The illness/death of a loved one, or even one in family that might not be so endearing, causes great stress. Everyone reacts or responds to stress in her own way. Don't blame your siblings and don't blame yourself.

I'm sure you did your best. And that's not compared to your best of all time in a good situation... that's your best for the situation at that time. I doubt you sat around saying, well my best is thus and so but I'm not going to do that... if you could have done it better, you would have. I think your mom knows that too.

Try and celebrate her life with good memories.