[BrokenNBeautiful]

it's 2 years later now since my aunt passed.

she never ever let me talk!

That effing b.

She acted like it was all about HER.

Like it wasn't also about me.

Like it wasn't also about the LIVING.

Yes, I know death is scary.

If it were me, I would be afraid, too.

If I had been diagnosed with cancer, I would be scared too!

I would want someone to take me in their arms and comfort me and let me cry all day long, too.

she never even let me do that for her!

she pushed me away!

yes, I left her alone.

I tried to give her space.

But I was hurting too!

I was hurting too!!!!!

Now she's gone.

And still I am desperately trying to find someone, somewhere where where there is space for me to grive and cry all day without guilt...

Isn't it about me, too?

I am hurting too!

Billi

[bebop]

I am sorry hon. I know how that feels. My mom did me the same way. you can cry here all you want. I know it isn't the same as having someone there to hold you but we are here for you.

[BrokenNBeautiful]

I hope I"m not in trouble for posting.

I did not look at the reply.

I dreaded criticism.

I really really needed to speak from my heart!

I did not share for approval from anyone.

Billi

[benderover]

You were given nothing but love.

I feel a lot of the same feelings right now. My grandfather has pancreatic cancer, and all he is doing is pushing my family away. I wish I could just see him before he passes away; I love him and he took me in as his own granddaughter when I was just a little girl.

[BrokenNBeautiful]

I appreciate all your patience right now with my anger.

And your support.

Billi

[BrokenNBeautiful]

Originally Posted by billi_leli

it's 2 years later now since my aunt passed.


I would want someone to take me in their arms and comfort me and let me cry all day long, too.



And still I am desperately trying to find someone, somewhere where where there is space for me to grive and cry all day without guilt...

Billi

My aunt had that.

She had T. (executor) and others to hold her and comfort her.

What the h about me???!!!

G*d I am so angry!

Not fair! it feels like.

I am grateful for my mentor and for Dane.

But I still can't quite open up and cry because I was not encouraged to.

Now I have to cry in my sleep because at least then if Bruce (roommate) catches me, I can tell him it's something else.

He hates it when I cry.

When my husband tries to hold me, I shut down because I still feel like I have no right to cry.

Billi

[bebop]

my mom had pancreatic cancer too. she would not talk to me about it but did my cousins and others. yes it hurts but healing only begins once you can accept it. they say the ones dying hurt the ones they love the most. 2 yrs is a long time to be holding on to all this hon. time to forgive her. time for you to grieve her without guilt. hang on hon.

[BrokenNBeautiful]

Originally Posted by bebop

my mom had pancreatic cancer too. she would not talk to me about it but did my cousins and others. yes it hurts but healing only begins once you can accept it. they say the ones dying hurt the ones they love the most. 2 yrs is a long time to be holding on to all this hon. time to forgive her. time for you to grieve her without guilt. hang on hon.

On one level I do forgive her.

And I agree that 2 years is a long time to hold on to pain.

Grieve without guilt...

Oh, man I do feel crazy grieving her because our relationship was just so bizarre. Love/hate.

But I think you are right.

I still have to face the loss.

it was a loss!

Just let Dane and Ani hug me.

Feel that pain!

Billi

[TerryL]

Why do you feel guilty?

I'm still not sure why missing your aunt is making you so angry..?

also you have every right to cry and express yourself.

[BrokenNBeautiful]

Originally Posted by TerryL

Why do you feel guilty?

I'm still not sure why missing your aunt is making you so angry..?

also you have every right to cry and express yourself.

I cant' stand missing her.

She hurt me!

I feel like I am being forced by my feeling of loss to miss someone that doesn't deserve to be missed!

My Reiki Master said I need to feel all my feelings about my aunt and right now I don't feel like loving my aunt!

That's why I am so angry.

Why do I feel guilty?

Because I feel like an INSANE person missing someone who hurt me!

And as I said before, when I did tell her how her death was going to impact me, she only said, "Well, Billi, you KNOW that I am going to go eventually!" in a snappy tone. That has still been affecting me. She more often than not could not deal with any of my feelings about her, except only the ones she wanted me to feel at a given moment, i.e. when she wanted me to. It was more often than not about HER not about ME.

Also, you are absolutely right---I have a right to cry and express.

I am still dreaming about her---hate dreaming abotu her but can't help it now, unless and until I learn directed dreaming.

ty,


Billi

[TerryL]

Hi Billi - you can't help how you feel. None of us can. I'm glad you are starting to investigate and process your "grief". It might take a while for you to realize why you feel the way you do but a journey of a thousand miles starts with one step. I hope your search will eventually bring you peace in your heart.