[Lexicon78]

I have so much guilt inside of me about my mom. I know I disappointed her a lot and everything...I didn't please her enough and caused her a lot of grief. And the worst part is that I never really knew she loved me.

I know you're probably thinking, "how could she think her own mother didn't love her?" I thought that she hated me and everything I stood for. You see she hated my father and I'm exactly like my father. I just wish she would've told me sooner that I was important and loved by her. She rarely showed it to me. The only time I heard "I love you" from her was when I was being admitted into the hospital...once a year. And she didn't even say it like she meant it.

I loved her so much even though she wasn't the mother I desired. In the end she turned into the mother I always dreamed of...and she was gone so quickly. I got the mom I wanted but couldn't enjoy it.

Ok, I'm depressing enough so I'm gonna end this post.

Lex, it's okay to talk about your pain. That's why we're here.
I know what you mean about not thinking your Mom loved you. I sometimes feel the same way about my Mom. I've said this before to you but your grief really makes me rethink my relationship with my Mom. A couple of your posts made me call her just to tell her I loved her.
Your Mom had her own ways of showing her love for you. Maybe she wasn't good at expressing them, though. But she does truely love you for always...
I guess you figured that out for yourself from what you wrote about her being the mother you've always dreamed of.
Don't feel guilty, Lex. She would'nt want that from you. All she really wanted was for you to be happy. Moms' are like that. And every child causes his/her mother grief. It's our birth right of sorts. She caused her parents a lot of grief too, I bet.
Please,PM me whenever you need to. I'll be here for you.
((((((((Lex&Lex'sMom))))))))

[(JD)]

How are you doing ((((((((((lexi))))))))) ???

[JustBen]

I'm sorry your mom couldn't be the mom you wanted her to be for so long. It's hard to think of our parents as regular human beings with their own faults and problems. I'm glad you got to see a better side of her before she passed away; it's small comfort, I know, but hopefully it's a comfort nonetheless.

[bebop]

((((Lexi))) I am so glad that even for a very short time you had the kind of mom you always wanted. Your post makes me so sad. My mom sounded alot like yours. The big difference is mine never changed. She died mad at me as usual. Honey be very thankful you had her for that short time. Cherish every moment.