Love is watching someone die

Lately, I've been haunted tremendously by my grandmother's death, for most of which I was present. I dream about it every night, nearly everything triggers something to remind me of it, it's seriously starting to scare me. I'm not sure if it's depression related or what not, but I am just very concerned...

i know the feeling a bit. When my nana was dying i went up to see her. It was awful and I didn't stay right until the end because i had to go to work. But i was glad that I got to see her right near the end. I didn't feel much then,but a couple of weeks ago I was looking at a photo of her and thinking about how lovely she was. I loved her and I was glad to see her on her last day.
However my aunty died a few years ago and we went to the veiwing. It was something that I wish I hadn;t done now. I burst out laughing hysterically. i was so ashamed. i walked away and then tried to look again but the laughing started again. I ran out of the funeral parlour. I think the people who owned it would have thought that I was such a horrible person. I didn't think it was funny it's just that i reacted the opposite to what I should have. that night I couldn't stay alone. I had to have my friend sleep over for a few nights.I was terrified. But i think that it was also related to my anxiety. I can still sort of picture what she looks like and it's something that I try not to think about.

(((((((((((((sweetsorrow)))))))))))
I'm sorry you are struggling. Sounds like your brain may be trying to process the whole thing. Do you have a therapist that can help you sort this out and offer you support while sorting?

((((((((((((((((((sweetsorrow))))))))))))))))))))) i so understand. my father passed in may. no one was with him but me. it was a long process and horrible to watch, but i'm so glad that i was there...for him and for me. i so understand how that comes back up.

be really good to yourself right now.

kd

(((((((((((((((((sweetsorrow)))))))))))))))))))))))),

I can understand your feelings......My mother died this last January of cancer. From the time she came home from the hospital for needed transfusions, I was with her 24/7 through the ID theft trauma by the RN, the police, & her loosing all her cognitive abilities in just 1 1/2 months. All I can see is the suffering she went through......the questions she constantly asked me about when she was going to get better.....to the 2 hours before she died when I had to tell her that it was ok to die & that her life would never be what she wanted it to be if she did survive (by that time, the cancer was all over her body).

Like you, when anyone says something, it seems to trigger the memories & the flood of tears.....even the weather change has become a huge trigger reminding me of how I felt when I was trying to make sense out of everything last year.

I think what you are experiencing is normal.....it is part of the grief process that we go through especially the first year afterwards. I know that my depression is starting to haunt me again......don't know if it is the cause of the effect of what I am going through.....but what you are describing sounds like a normal process of grieving & just memories that our mind keeps.

I ended up very ill from stress & exhaustion by the time my mother died.....right after I told her it was ok to die, I ended up back in the hospital with anorexia problems, anemia & malnutrition. I got the call in the hospital that she had died.

Still today, all I can see of my mother was how much suffering she had & the fact that no one was honest with me about what was going on......I had to figure it out in my own mind without any support from her doctors or even my psychiatrist or psychologist....being an only child.....I was completely alone even though I had a husband.

I hope you realize that what you are experiencing is normal...it is a scarry feeling, but knowing that others go through similar feelings hope allows you to realize that you are not being different.

Take care of yourself.....& realize that others have similar feelings as you are going through,
Debbie

Love is watching someone die and to be able to bear witness to the labor toward death and to be present and full of love for the loved one you know. It is indeed a priveldge.

My mother died this past June. In my case it was not watching her die. It was telling her goodbye and letting her die. I think true love is letting someone go ahead of you, knowing that your life can never be the same without them.

If I die before you do, I'll go to heaven and wait for you.
I know my mother is in a better place waiting for me.