I realised again today how much I miss my Grandma.

She died over ten years ago. Never knew my youngest. I was just pregnant with her when we found out Grandma had cancer. I told her - she was the first person we told. I think she knew then she would never meet the baby I was carrying.
My elder daughter has no memory of her. I tell her how much her great grandma loved her.
I was so much closer to my grandma than I ever have been to my mum. That makes me feel really guilty sometimes, but Grandma gave me the unconditional love that I didn't realise at the time was lacking from my mum. I knew then, as I know now, that nothing I could ever do would stop Grandma from loving me.
At her funeral, the vicar referred to Grandma as "Connie Barnabus" - because she always found good things to say, she was such an encourager.
I was talking today and suddenly was overwhelmed with such a wave of loss, such an emptiness. I miss her so much.

Caroline

[Fuzzybear]

((((((((((((((((((((Caroline))))))))))))))))))))))

Thanks Fuzzy.

[Gemstone]

{{{{Caroline}}}}}

Thank you, Gem.



Caroline

I was so much closer to my grandma than I ever have been to my mum.

Keep that with you when things get rough. Know how much you were loved. You deserved it, Caroline.

Petunia

That's what makes me miss her so much, Petunia. She was the person who I knew would always love me. No matter what. It wouldn't have mattered what I did, she would still love me. She might not like what I did (she wasn't too keen on me riding a motorbike in my university days) but she always loved me.
She was the person I could express my insecurities and fears to. I remember crying in bed one night, at their house, that "Nobody loves me". How ironic that I said it there, where I knew I was loved. But, as my counsellor has helped me to see, I could seek the reassurance from her that I never felt able to seek from my parents.
She loved me. I need to find a way of understanding that, of appreciating that there was something aobut the child me that was loveable.
Thank you, Petunia. thank you for helping me look at this.

But, as you know, it still hurts.

[wanttoheal]

((((((((((((((Caroline))))))))))))))) I hope you feel better soon.

Thank you, want to heal. I appreciate the hug and the kindness.

Caroline