[HelgaDE]

I'm not a certified Doctor (shrink) or a nurse but a consumer. I was diagnose with having BPD - Borderline Personality Disorder when I was at the psychiatric hospital. I also have depression problems, mostly with BD= Bipolar Disorder, which I wasn't fully diagnose by a Doctor but had people who has BD telling me that I have the similar Symptoms as BD. Let me first tell you that when I first came to the Psych. Hospital was on Feb. 23rd of 2004. I had a nervous breakdown I was feeling homicidal and suicidal because my mother was in the same hospital but in I.C.U area dying because she over dosed of heroin. I must confess that during my time at the hospital I felt very relax and calm, even when my mother was dying. I was in desperate need of support and that I had. I was even given special permission to say my last good-byes to my mother as she was pronounced brain dead. They were going to take my mother off of life support because we requested it. I was walking out of the psychiatric ward with a nurse beside me and to the elevator to the 2nd floor where the I.C.U unit is at. My mother was in either 201 or 202 ( cant really remember what exact room number she was in) anyhow I was talking to my mother, hoping that she'll answer me. I could not believe that this was happening to me. It was like my life is coming to an end because my mother will no longer be on my side to guide me to life. I was hugging her and telling my mother that I loved her dearly and the nurses was unhooking my mother from the machine and turning off the machines and I heard a sound, a sound that I will never forget, the heart monitor going __________ and I started to panic and burst out crying and holding my mother tightly as I didn't wanted to leave her. The psych. nurse gave me approx 4 to 5 mins before unhooking me. I don't remember what happen next. My first visited was great. Although my only complaint was they discharged me too soon. my stay was only 3 days and as soon as I was out I could not sleep or think correctly. I was scared of being alone in my house because I started a nasty habit, a habit that leaded me to the same psychiatric hospital 4 more times. I started cutting my self.

what' trauma you've been through. i'm so sorry. i know that you miss your mother terribly. my parents are gone and i think of them daily. do you see a therapist? i think it would really help you to talk to someone about your feelings. xoxoxo pat

[hillbunnyb]

My goodness, what a lot you have to deal with. I agree with fayerody, this is a good time to talk with a therapist. Take care of yourself. The basics, eat good food, get some sleep. It's hard to think clearly with so much going on. Hang in there.

[Beautiful_Pain]

Wow Helga what a rough time you've been through...so much happened at once for you. I'm glad you made it through safely. Sorry to hear about the new SI, that is one of the reasons I went to the psych ward of a hospital as well. I hope you have a t or someone to talk to...they will help alot, I agree with pat and bunny. Feel free to post more if you are able, we are here to listen and support you as much as we can.

All the best

--BP

[HelgaDE]

thanks guys but i can try to manage it without therapists and psychatrists... Im just tired of them trying to con me into my insurance money... not to mention suck me into a psych ward, which all i need are full support!