[Travelinglady]

I know people typically write in this forum about grieving over the death of someone, but as I was answering a post here, I realized how strongly I am still grieving over another kind of loss---the loss of a career.

I worked hard to earn an advanced degree, to work my way up in the system, to feel a sense of accomplishment and success. And 20 years into the process, I was diagnosed with bipolar disorder and ultimately had to go on disability. I guess part of my grief, too, is over my loss of marbles, my sanity. My career was as a college professor, and how can someone do that when her memory is terrible and her mind goes blank right in the middle of a lecture? When she never knows when she'll have to go back into the hospital, making a fool of herself in a manic state or collapsed in a depressive state?

Of course, a lot of "poor baby" comments are not what I need. I am now finding some satisfaction in other ways, such as even being here at Psych Central.

But I do think almost all of us here are grieving over something similar. Not all grief is the grief of the death of a person. Grief can also occur with a loss of who we were and a loss of our sense of stability and sanity.

Thanks to anyone who reads this post. I share my mutual feelings with you, too, as you find yourself traveling down a different path than what you expected to be traveling at this point in your life.

[squeekee]

Thank you for sharing this Payne

[Rose76]

Thank you, PAYNE, for expressing so well what I, too, am going through. Indeed, grief is none too strong a word for the horrendous sense of loss that comes with this.

I'm sorry for the loss you feel after what I totally understand as much hard work to educate yourself and to advance in a career. Teaching is a special calling that you, no doubt, selected because you had great zeal to reach students. Hard to give up on something that speaks of having a sense of being called to do that.

It is just about 6 months since I started collecting SSDI. At first, I was relieved to get it. Now that sense of relief has collapsed under grief. I ask myself why I went as far as I did and, like you, worked hard at my education and in jobs only to end up with a string of failures in jobs. I had been successful for about 20 years, too. Then I seemed to lack the ability to continue adapting.

I've lost my career and I am having on-going emotional instability. So I can relate to the sense of having lost sanity. When I compare what I am like now to what I was once like, it seems impossible that I can be the same person. It seems unbelievable that this could have happened.

Your post, above, seems to be the first instance of me seeing a clear acknowledgement of what a profound loss this is. Doctors don't seem to get it. When I told my PCP at a follow-up appointment that I had been approved for SSDI, he made that gesture where he put out his clenched fist with knuckles forward to bump my knuckles in a kind of salute for the "good news." Like, "Hey, that's great." I picked my hand up, knuckles forward, to return the greeting, while feeling so awkward about it.

After leaving, I understood better how I really did feel. I wanted to go back to my doctor and say, "This is not a happy milestone for me." This feels tragic.

Doctors have told me that I am probably on the bipolar spectrum. Whatever. I was reacting to stress on the job with extreme emotionality that made me feel like I must have appeared a fool to others. There'ld be anger . . . then tears of sorrow over felt rejection. I was losing my dignity in public. It was awful. This present existance (this nothingness) seems no better.

I'm glad you are finding some ways toward a sense of satisfaction. That's hard to find. Without that, life feels unendurable.

[Leed]

Bless your heart Payne -- I know exactly what you're talking about. It's miserable. I'm so sorry for your loss.

While I didn't achieve all that you did, I too mourn the loss of my "career." I was an Optician for many years, and I really enjoyed working with the patients, and with the doctor. I enjoyed watching people regaining their good vision, or seeing a little boy getting his first pair of glasses and not knowing that the green on trees was actually individual leaves!!!

Like you, I've lost my ability to carry on a reasonable conversation without stopping for minutes at a time because I either lost my train of thought or because I can't think of a word I need. Until I found out what it was, I feared Alzheimers!

Plus the depression due to my physical disability doesn't help. I'm not sure what's worse -- the disability or the medication. LOL

So I totally understand, Payne. And my thoughts and prayers are with you. Just know that you're not alone in this. And if you ever want to talk, feel free to message me. God bless and please take care. Hugs, Lee

[winter4me]

Originally Posted by PAYNE1

I know people typically write in this forum about grieving over the death of someone, but as I was answering a post here, I realized how strongly I am still grieving over another kind of loss---the loss of a career.

I worked hard to earn an advanced degree, to work my way up in the system, to feel a sense of accomplishment and success. And 20 years into the process, I was diagnosed with bipolar disorder and ultimately had to go on disability. I guess part of my grief, too, is over my loss of marbles, my sanity. My career was as a college professor, and how can someone do that when her memory is terrible and her mind goes blank right in the middle of a lecture? When she never knows when she'll have to go back into the hospital, making a fool of herself in a manic state or collapsed in a depressive state?

Of course, a lot of "poor baby" comments are not what I need. I am now finding some satisfaction in other ways, such as even being here at Psych Central.

But I do think almost all of us here are grieving over something similar. Not all grief is the grief of the death of a person. Grief can also occur with a loss of who we were and a loss of our sense of stability and sanity.

Thanks to anyone who reads this post. I share my mutual feelings with you, too, as you find yourself traveling down a different path than what you expected to be traveling at this point in your life.

So true. I too have grieved (still at times) over the way my problems (PTSD, Depression, Panic, hypomania...) have altered the course of my professional life among other things. You still have your knowledge---and, if you wanted, bet you could find ways to share that (?tutoring, giving time-limited classes when you want to in an adult ed program at a local HS or college...writing? Some other way I am not thinking of...) Or buff up a hobby... I am so sorry for your loss---I am still working but have had to change jobs when I feel the darkness taking over, and I am lucky enough to have a skill that allows this so far, though as I age, I am less sure, and my finances are less secure, not secure at all if I really look---

[Permanent Pajamas]

Payne, this is so odd. I lost my career too, in 2008. I also have memory issues. Compared to you I'm a moron though.

I think you're doing really great based on your posts here at PC. Don't be down. You cheer us all up.

[hamster-bamster]

Payne, you have been enormously helpful and eloquent in your posts, so to the extent that you might have had a conscious desire to apply your intellectual potential here, you have obviously reached the goal.

[Nobodyandnothing]

Thank you Payne, Rose, Leed, Winter, PP and Hamster. You get it. I am a lawyer and these are my feelings exactly. I am just not able to write and capture these feelings as well as you do. I am going to print this thread in case I ever start going to T again. It says it all.

God bless all of you.

[shezbut]

I was pretty devastated back in 2004.

Up until then, I had pretty realistic hopes that I would return to college and get my master's degree and license in psychology.

However, my second pregnancy and (2nd) post-pregnancy were very difficult for me. My brain never returned to the pre-pregnancy phase. Despite many dosages and mixtures tried, surgery was the answer for me, which led to lasting effects. I never really had time to grieve that part of my life, as there was so much else happening in my world at that time!

When I think of it now, I feel a deep sorrow inside. I am a shell of who I once was.

[LoneWolfie]

I'm sorry that you are grieving as any loss is hard and as you said it doesn't have to be a person.

I'm 46 and have worked full time since I was 21 years old, in Novemeber of 2011 I had a major depressive episode and went off work, at first it was only going to be for a few weeks.

Well those few weeks had me on a psych ward for almost 6 weeks, that was the first time in my life I have been there. I was diagnosed with borderline personality disorder and well those few weeks became 6 months of short term disability through my work insurance benefits. The short term became long term in May of 2012 and I can basically sit on these benefits until May 2014 and either return to work or have my pdoc state I can not work and be on disability.

My pdoc believes that I will be able to return to work but it isn't going to be for a few years. I have intense outbursts of anger and rage. Besides fearing I could seriously harm someone, I haven't been to kind to myself either.

I have already told her I can't return to my current employer there are way to many issues there and she completely agrees.

I am in the process of trying to get back into an intensive dbt program, my options are limited and I will be applying for the provincial disability soon, as I will be in this intensive program for a few years.

I feel like a part of me died the first day I was taken off of work. I am a shell of the person I used to be. Some days I don't even know who I am. And than there are the days where I wonder what happened to my life and me.

It's nothing compared to a lot of the stories above on here, but I was laid off in July of last year, so I pretty much lost contact with all my work friends. And seeing as I have been depressed and trying to be alone and not social because I am too uncomfortable, they were pretty much all I had as far as friends go (with the exception of 2).
I heard the whole place is falling apart now because there is just no work. It makes me sad. I was there for over 5 years, and it gave me a sense of stability and a place I felt like I belonged. I worked with some great people...one in particular...I miss him a lot. I can still email him and call, if the place is still standing...we dated for a while, and I never quite got over his smile or amazing sense of humor. Seeing him every day always made me feel warm inside.
It's also sad to loose one's "usefulness" as I try to find another job, when I can barely get out of bed because I am so depressed and no medication works for me. I congratulate myself when I do laundry or go to the grocery store, how sad is that??
I was married back in 2006 and we married too soon, a lot happened, quickly divorced...it just wasn't supposed to be like this now.