[smmrnapier]

Hello everyone and thank you for taking the time to read my post.. My name is Summer and I'm 20. About 6 months ago my ex boyfriend Kenny passed away unexpectedly in a car accident. He was in the accident and in the hospital for 2 weeks and didn't make it through recovery. When I heard the news I lost it. Completely. I've struggled with major depressive disorder, anxiety, substance abuse and many other mental health issues since I was a small child. Well, the substance abuse started at 13. I've been on and off of many different medications since I was 13 and I would still consider myself majorly depressed, among other things. When I found out my soul mate died it happened at the same time as I was going through some sexual harassment issues at work, and also my father who is a drug addict and alcoholic who was never there when I was a child and all of a sudden wants to be here, got married and his wife got pregnant. So all this stuff was going on and his death was just the final straw.

I lived with Kenny for quite a while. Basically we knew each other in middle school, lost contact until 18 and randomly started talking, he came over to my house that I lived at alone and he didn't leave for 1 1/2 years. I had so much fun with him. We told each other everything. Literally. I told him things I didn't think I would ever be able to tell anybody, things I don't think I'll ever be able to tell anybody ever again. And that's a very big deal for me because since I was 6 I haven't talked about anything to anyone, not even my therapist, and I mean anything. I keep everything inside for as long as I can, and then some. That's where the substance abuse comes in. So being able to tell someone anything and everything was amazing for me. Being with him was the one point in my life when I was truly happy. The only point in my life when I was truly happy. We were a little bad for each other because we did do a lot of drugs together.. he was very depressed too. He was just like I am. We were one in the same. I always hoped that I made him as happy as he made me.. and I think I did. But I know he was still hurting inside all the time, and he knew the same for me.

Anyway my point is he was my soul mate, he boosted my self esteem, I was truly happy with him, he supported me in everything I did, we supported each other, he was my world. I don't know how else to explain it. I had the time of my life with him.

But his death has shattered my world. I was already extremely depressed to begin with. I never want to be at work, I don't care to be around friends, I don't care to talk to friends, I don't watch tv, I lay in bed, smoke pot, sleep, try to stay away from work as much as I can, the list goes on and on. It's been six months and I'm in the same state I was when I found out he passed, if not worse. I think about it constantly. I think about him constantly. I moved away from home.. which is where we were together but since he passed I have been here visiting. Everything reminds me of him, and us. I'm always thinking, "Oh Kenny and I used to go and eat at ............ all the time." or even things like "I was wearing these sweats the first time Kenny came to the house." Everything is Kenny this Kenny that. The thoughts don't stop. It's obsessive. I wouldn't want him thinking like this if I was the one who passed, and I know he wouldn't want me feeling this way, ever. The thoughts get worse and go to, "What if I had been in the car with him?" "What if I was driving?" "What if I hadn't moved away and we were together on that night and he wasn't on the highway by himself?" "What if I was with him and able to tell him to put on his seat belt?" "Why couldn't I have gone up with him?" I know the thoughts are unhealthy and irrational I just can't stop them. My therapist gave me a bunch of handouts about positive thinking and grief and I read them but they don't help, or I don't let them help.

I'm scared that I will never find a relationship like that again. It was perfect. I'm also scared that I will find a relationship like that and if I do I will feel guilty. Or if I do it won't be fair to the man because I will always be either thinking of Kenny or comparing him to Kenny.

I miss being able to hold him whenever I am scared. Or hug him when I'm crying. Or talk to him honestly about everything. I miss him holding me at night and us falling asleep together. I miss everything. My heart breaks every time I think and realize that I will never be able to lay in bed with him or listen to The Doors with him again. Or drive late at night to go pick him up. I'll never be able to feel his hair. I just can't handle it and I don't know what to do.. I know grief takes a different amount of time and is a different process for everyone but I just can't handle this.. I miss him so terribly.

[healingone]

Smmrnapier,
I am so sorry for the grief you feel. I have been in a similar relationship and can't imagine what it would feel like to lose him. I wish there was something I could say that would help you through this pain. It is good to continue with your therapist. Do you have anyone to call if you feel unsafe or feel like harming yourself? You have support here from so many people. You are not alone. Hugs to you. You have made a huge step by joining a community for support. Don't give up. It will get better. I am so sorry for your loss.

[Yoda]

I am sorry for your loss

[Sabrina]

How painful for you. I am sorry for your loss.

I am so sorry for you x
It is heartbreaking to lose a soulmate and to go through all the stages of grief alone
I know it doesn't seem like this now but these feelings will get easier in time when you begin to feel better yourself! I know life has been hard for you in the past, there is also the future to come.
Can you see your future? I know when we have depression it's hard to see past today never mind tomorrow.
Are you still seeing your therapist? I hope you can tell them exactly what you have posted so that they can begin to help you feel better.
Best of luck and I hope you can allow love back into your life soon

[bitten]

I lost my fiancee 4 years ago. I can relate to your post. I have been told I am a geat support in this area. Let me know if you need me. So sorry for your loss...