Twenty-two yrs ago today

My mother passed. In some ways, it's still as fresh and numbing as the day itself was. Shortly thereafter, my worst fears came true. My world fell apart. I couldn't live without her. Her legacy became alive in me. It started with depression and right on it's heels, the anxiety/panic attacks started.

I'm still dealing with issues left behind by her. I still want and need "my mommy" in some of the worst ways. I was told by a T that I would rather die than to become self-sufficient. I don't believe that, but what is true is that I have an inate need to be taken care of, to be loved, to be #1 to somebody.

I have a soul sister than comes close, but still... there is a deep need in me that I doubt will ever be filled. Here are that soul sister's words to me. I believe firmly that anyone here can probably relate to some of what she says; those of us who didn't have the parents that we needed as children and teens growing up.

I knew that you and your mom were never on the same wave length... you shared that and we've wept over it together. What's changed in her new situation is, perhaps, accepting personal failures and learning from them. I think that your mom was unhappy with her life, her situation and was so involved in dealing with things like this that she was unable to give of herself to others. We've gotta be happy with the ME before we can truly relate to others -- as you and I both know. Probably your mom's path now -- having rejoined the universal energy and having had time to reflect on successes and failures and what more she needs to learn for a healthy soul -- she's better able to reach out. Of course, this life-long yearning for the mommy you needed makes you more receptive to any vibrations now. But isn't it interesting that the memories/messages that are surfacing involve issues your soul/mind is dealing with?

I hope her words reach some of you reading this, too.

For once in many, many years, I've been releaved of having to celebrate my best friend's birthday with her. I'll be in mourning today for the "mommy" I never had. It's a good thing.

Tomi... your words are deep on many levels. I feel some of your need... can never really fully understand... but I'm here for you in my own little way.

((((((((((((((( Tomi ))))))))))))))))

You're loved!

Nina, because I know that need first-hand is why I'm here for you, in any way I can.

Love you!

(((((((((((((((((((((tomi))))))))))))))))))))

{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{Melissa}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}

I love you! Thank you for the hugs. I can use them today more than usual.

(((((((((((((((((((hugs)))))))))))))))))))))

here are a few more

Sarah Brightman - Deliver me

Deliver me, out of my sadness.
Deliver me, from all of the madness.
Deliver me, courage to guide me.
Deliver me, strength from inside me.

All of my life I've been in hiding.
Wishing there was someone just like you.
Now that you're here, now that I've found you,
I know that you're the one to pull me through.

Deliver me, loving and caring.
Deliver me, giving and sharing.
Deliver me, the cross that I'm bearing.

All of my life I was in hiding.
Wishing there was someone just like you.
Now that you're here, now that I've found you,
I know that you're the one to pull me through.

Deliver me,
Deliver me,
Oh deliver me.

All of my life I was in hiding.
Wishing there was someone just like you.
Now that you're here, now that I've found you,
I know that you're the one to pull me through.

Deliver me,
Oh deliver me.
Won't you deliver me.

Tomi... you'll find the love you need so much!

You know me... I looked for it in Napster and another store, but couldn't find it by Sarah. Got any ideas??

((((tomi)))) you are very loved by many!

I know the feeling of needing/wanting that ME first for a change. I too have needed that for so long. The longing of a mother's love is unbearable at times. When I read others stories here that have such wonderful relationships with their moms I have to say it makes me a little jealous. I am happy for them though.

Much love to you hon!

You've got mail! lol
The song with Sarah Brightman and Enya.

Thanks, Be! {{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{Elaine}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}

Like I said... and Enya, too!! wooohoooooo! It's beautiful, Nina! Thank you so very much!

(((Tomi)))

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Tomi... you'll find the love you need so much!

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I'm not looking and I'm not sure I would want to take the chance again. Not going for the third time's a charm. Enough is enough.

{{{{{{{{Sabrina}}}}}}}}}}}

Thank you, Sweety. Can always use those hugs!

Tomi,

We should have exchanged places in our childhood. My parents & my especially my Mom was always there for me. She was the good Mom that was always there for everything I needed & loved me so much. I remember her wanting to hold my hand when we were out walking in public. I would pull away....... She would want to kiss me & again, I would pull away. She wanted to love me so much.....maybe because her Mom never loved her in that way, but I was embarrassed too much.

My parents never quit loving me even though I refused to let them show anything in public.....they were always there all their life.....even though my Mother really messed up the end of her life & messed up mine along with that......but it wasn't intentional even though it was her being selfish. It is really sad to realize that you needed your Mommy's love & didn't have it & I had my Mommy's love & didn't want it.

At least that is how I see my life looking back on it........& I know looking back on my Mothers death just 1 1/2 years ago, I feel that my love for her has been burried under my anger for her......but maybe my anger I feel for her is selfish on my part because I blame her for everything that happened & the trauma that she caused us to go through.

It is sad realizing that I had from my Mother the one thing that you wanted from yours & it wasn't even something that I appreciated & it is something you would have completely appreciated.

I hope you can come to terms with your missing love as I hope I can come to terms with my anger.....it is amazing how complicated our lives can become just because of our feelings.

Debbie