[JustBen]

I started my internship last week. I'm providing counseling to dying patients and their families, and doing bereavement work with the families after the death. Haven't started seeing people yet, but I expect to within a week. Any advice would be much appreciated. Prayers and good thoughts, too.

ben, i volunteered for years and then took care of two dying patients, in their homes, for a year. first thing out of the chute is to talk to family members about how much the patient knows and accepts about the illness. i encountered tons of families that refused to allow the doctors, nurses, hospice staff talk to them about dying. keep up the facade that all would be well. so, don't over step a boundary there. it's silly of the family, but that's how a lot of people are. denial. as if the patient doesn't know that they are dying!!

if it is acceptable for you to talk to the patient, let them initiate the discussion.....if they are able to talk. they will talk about it as much as they want to. or not.

billie's hospice person drove her nuts. he talked about her swimming pool, her carpet, the television, her hair, etc.......she hated for him to come. he never, ever "talked to her".......and neither did the doctor that she was going to when i started caring for her. i switched doctors and everything went much smoother. she wanted to die and made no bones about it and i was the only one who would discuss it with her.

ralph and i talked about it a lot. he was down to earth and we talked about how it would be and what might happen when he actually got to that place, last moments, etc.

as a volunteer, i strictly went by what the family dictated. don't let an aide or a hospice nurse direct you to say something that you might regret later. be sure the family and the patient and you are on the same page at all times. sometimes the aides can get really "know it all" and can hurt someone's feelings. i'm not condemning all aides...i worked with one who was the loosest cannon i've ever come across.

listening and responding appropriately will never fail you. ever. you'll do fine. you're compassionate and caring and you'll figure it out right away......xoxoxo pat

[Perna]

Ben, a book I've read and enjoyed that might encourage you is Kitchen Table Wisdom by Rachel Naomi Remen (she's a doctor who works with dying patients). But it might give you some warm stories and ideas about how it can go well. I really like Fayerody's personal experience advice too.

[bebop]

I would love to do what you are about to do! Whatever you say or do, say it and do it with great compassion! I hate when people will not admit a person is going to die. Good luck in this endeavor!

[vanna123]

My mom was in hospice for 5 days before she died last week. I cannnot thank the hospice workers enough for all they did for us.
The thing they helped with the most is show their care and compassion. They treated our mom as if she were there own family member----lots of love and care.
They were just there if we needed to talk or just needed someone else in the room with us.
from the responses i have seen from you here on this site you will do a great job.
Thanks

[eskielover]

Ben, I think that what fayerody suggested is wonderful advise.....definitely from personal experience.

I only delt with the hospice group for 5 days before my Mother died 1 1/2 years ago also. My mother was never told that she was dying from her cancer & believed that her surgeon was given to her by God & saved her life. She decided that her prayers were answered & that what she went through wasn't any more serious that the hystorectomy she had 30 years earlier. I was the only child (only family) that existed & had to go with what my mother was believing even though I knew better from observing. For my Mother, the hospice care was only in place at the point when my Mother could no longer think or even realize ,much of what was going on around her. I had her in a nursing home close to my home & they came there to care for her & to keep her comfortable. It was so hard for me knowing that my Mother was dying, but never having been around dying people, I had no idea what stage she was in before dying.

The hospice was there for me after my Mother died except that I was in the medical hospital for about 2 months at that time because I was so sick from the exhaustion I went through & had bad anemia & malnutrition because the stress made me so nausious I couldn't eat. The hospice group had group meetings for the families of the patients they cared for. Unfortunately for me, the PTSD I was dealing with was something I need to deal with before I have ever been able to deal with the grief.

Understanding & listening to the family is also an important part of a hospice worker. In the one group meeting I went to, there were many different feelings that came out. Unfortunately, I felt out of place because none of them had gone through anything like I had & I didn't feel safe expressing all the anger I was dealing with. The hospice workers were definitely great at being sensitive to what I was going through. Even though my mother was not congnacent of what was going on around her, they did provide very gentle loving care for her. Looking back, I wish things had been different & I wish my Mother's Dr had been willing to tell her that she was dying so that she could have been honest herself & knowing about what was happening to her. Walking on egg shells around my Mother....afraid to say anything until right before she died when I told her to let go & that God was answering her prayer by letting her die......so that she would be free of the cancer.

Everything is so different with every person who dies.....I would imagine that every situation will be different & it is important to not define each situation as being the same. It is important to read each patient & each family but provide kind, loving care no matter what. It has to be a very hard job, having to be sensitive to each experience.

It is a wonderful thing that you are doing.....it takes special people to be able to do what you are doing & my prayers & thoughts are with you as you go through this new chapter in your life.
Debbie

[nothemama8]

JustBen your going to do just fine, remember when the stress gets too ya we're here to de-stress ya
Angie

[JustBen]

Thank you all so much. This is great advice. I feel really supported as I do this work. So sorry about your losses Vanna and Debbie.

[Rhapsody]

Dear Ben,

it is good to hear of what you will be doing in the weeks to come, as the mother of a daughter that was in the hospital for a full week, before she passed away, I can say that the hospital staff and the awesome volunteers were of unspeakable comfort to me and my family during those final days.... God Bless You!


LoVe,
Rhapsody - ((( hugs )))

[Evangelista]

JustBen…my thoughts and prayers are with you as you work with the dying and the living..and those in-between. My younger sister was in Hospice for almost a month in 2001, before she passed from Breast Cancer at 38, the anniversary is this week. From the time of dx to death it was only 6 months, I don’t know if this rings true for most dysfunctional families, but with ours, it only magnified the dysfunction as ppl started to gather, ex husbands, her young children from those marriages, old issues which had been festering flared up, even over her death bed, it was sooo sooooo very bad, it was like she fought the dying process up to the end to try and stay to continue to be apart of the chaos around her..Dosent make sense..but she did not leave this world knowing that her life had some meaning outside of our stupid dysfunctional toxic family structure…don’t want to even think about it…its not like the movies where you see ppl being all respectful and quiet..at least not in our situation, it was like world war III, family dynamics at its worst, ppl turning on each other..just really crappy stuff..

I hope for you all the strength and courage you need to assist you to help these patients and their families, like I said it’s definitely not like the movies.

Take Care JustBen..

Eva