Book Of Grief

Another piece of my past was buried today. Another piece of my childhood. Another piece of heartbreak. Another family member.

One would think that with each body that gets lowered into the ground, the painful memories, the lifelong wounds, the anger and sadness that were imprinted on my soul like words on a page would also come to rest.

That maybe the final chapters of resentment would be read one last time and the book could be put back on the shelf completed. That maybe I could look to the well-worn binding as an accomplishment of the many times I revisited those chapters yet the front and back covers are still intact and strong.

But with each body that gets lowered into the ground the old book is opened and the words flow from the pages like rivers of tears. The grief, both past and present, washes over me and I fear I'll drown.

But I know that as soon as this wave recedes, as soon as I've cried these bitter empty tears and catch my breath, the well-read book will be placed on the shelf once again, until another piece of my past is lowered into the ground.

[SeptemberMorn]

{{{{{{{{{{Petunia}}}}}}}}}}} Oh, how I understand! Mine are all buried but the book falls off the shelf from time to time and lays on the floor open to some painful memory for a while until I can close it again and put it back where it belongs; on the shelf of The Past.

Love you, Hon!

[Gemstone]

{{{{{ Petunia }}}}}}

[oksomaybeimnuts]

{{{{{{{{{Petunia}}}}}}}}}}

((( Gem )))

((( NB )))

Ya know, it's not so much my uncle dying as it is the unresolved grief it stirs up over the death of my father and my two brothers.

[allthegirls6]

((((((((((((((((((petunia))))))))))))))))))))))))

its a lot of hurt for a little flower

(((( Auds ))))

Thanks for caring.

[Sarah116]

How sad! Just remember someday you will all be together happier than you ever were! Cheer up they are with you!

Gee, thanks sarah for the sentiment but a big green happy face doesn't really support my pain and grief.

[Fuzzybear]

((((((((((((((( Petunia )))))))))))))))

[SeptemberMorn]

[SeptemberMorn]

{{{{{{{{{{Petunia}}}}}}}}}}}}}

[LMo]

Oh Petunia - I missed this post the other day. I am so sorry for your loss. My heart is with you and your family

[Sarah116]

</font><blockquote><div id="quote"><font class="small">Quote:</font>
Petunia said:
Gee, thanks sarah for the sentiment but a big green happy face doesn't really support my pain and grief.

</div></font></blockquote><font class="post">
No it does not you are right but if you are Christian like me it shows life, new life as well as keeping the old and hope, forgetting sins, you will all be together someday! God bless you and sorry about that a frown now. Sarah
P.S. All of you I upset sorry about that too I was not aware I like to make things cheerful. But I do understand how you feel. I was on sites before that were not happy enough. (LMo sent me a private message.)
My doctors say I have a version of Psychosis/Schizophrenia and social skills knowing when to smile, what to say etc. is not one of my talents.

but if you are Christian like me it shows life, new life as well as keeping the old and hope, forgetting sins, you will all be together someday! God bless you

No, I am not a Christian so please refrain from that discussion here.

Thank you.

[Sarah116]

Yes, okay I hope you are feeling better that can be a hard thing. But I am glad you can relax so well and be calm on here which is a good trait. I read most people on here blow up in a post with profane etc. and get nasty over a paper cut! But you have a very touching heartbreaking thing. Well I think but this is JUST ME that maybe we should change the subject. Love & luck Sarah

Thank you Sarah. This is very thoughtful of you.

[Ganesha]

</font><blockquote><div id="quote"><font class="small">Quote:</font>
Petunia said:
Ya know, it's not so much my uncle dying as it is the unresolved grief it stirs up over the death of my father and my two brothers.

</div></font></blockquote><font class="post">
it's so hard to let go of people we love and then have earlier deaths re-stimulated. I hope you are getting lots of love and support. You know you've got it here on PC
you have written about this so beautifully. I love the image of books with words flowing like a river of tears...

thank you Petunia.
my very best to you G.

Thanks Ganesha.

I am absolutely falling apart here.

I can't contain it anymore, it's just spilling out everywhere.

I know some would see this as a healing process but it's getting in the way of everything I do.

[wanttoheal]

((((((((((((((Petunia))))))))))))))))

[JustAPixie]

((((((((((( petunia )))))))))))

[eskielover]

Petunia,

I can understand how that book containing the past sorrows comes out at times & unfortunately, it opens itself up to the pages that seem to hurt the most.

I have found that the the book that haunts me doesn't even take a family death to bring it out......all it takes sometimes is a TV show, a dream, a comment that's just in passing, a fleeting thought. Any little thing brings out all the emotions & anger that is penned up inside of me. I think for me, the book never goes all the way back onto the shelf. It seems like it is just balancing on the edge just waiting for the slightest little bump.

I know that you have so many sad issues that are written in the book. I think at times that the memories are so deeply etched on the pages that they never will fade away. When there is nothing that can cause closeure, there is nothing that helps them fade away.

I must be sounding very negative & I really should have a much more positive outlook on the past. For some reason, it just doesn't seem to me that when there isn't anything to help us put the past into a better perspective, there will be nothing there to fade the memories.

I do hope that you will be able to keep that book away from you for awhile so you can get some peace back into your life before it hits you again. My ears are here to listen to what you have to say & to help you know that you are understood & cared about,
Debbie

Thank you so much Debbie.

I'm sorry you understand.

It's so hard, isn't it?

Thanks again,

Petunia