grief

Over the Holidays I went through an event to say the least. I was getting number and number and depressed. Frozen. I did nothing but lay around, tired and fighting a virus. I got up to shower and started to cry and couldn't stop. It went on and on. It felt from very deep inside me. A couple of friends said it was old stuff and although I felt awful it would pass After a day of this the I Googled "Prolonged crying". I found NCPTSD a Veterans Sight but with lots of good info. You have to explore a bit but lots of stuff. Also I found "bullyonline" - the jackpot- and it makes so much make sense for dealing with ptsd and trauma and grief. It explains the constant pictures some of us get of our past that we can't let go of. I keep finding although I know lots of terms and I have been told or labeled with this or that I don't really know what they mean or understand how it affects me and I am sure I am not the only one. You get diagnosed but what does that really look like? Everyones sharing here helps with bits to put the picture together. And it is only as I am strong enough to handle each bit that I learn. Several grief sights had bits too and a couple were judgemental so got out of them fast. Anyway some of you might like to take a look.

yes, being bullied takes a big toll. Many ppl are triggered around the holidays also, like you were. I hope you can work through some things so the next holidays aren't so bad for you TC

((( froggie2 )))

I posted this in the DD Forum after I recently lost a good friend. I thought I'd share my grief issues with you and maybe we can lean on each other.

One of my PTSD triggers is people dying. I have suffered with pathological/complicated grief since my father died when I was ten.

I was very traumatized by that loss. Grieving was not talked about and if I questioned my father's death, I could see the great discomfort on people's faces so I stuffed all feelings down first, then went about stuffing the memory of him away with the grief. I still cannot remember him...I think I hold onto the grief because that's the only memory I have.

Within a year of him dying, people (mostly brothers but others) were overdosing (my house became a junkie flop-house) and I was literally trying to wake the dead (DOA's) or I'd wake up to the house burning in the middle of the night from ciggys.

I began obsessing about my family perishing. I was petrified that dealers would break in while we were sleeping and kill us for the money my brothers owed them. I was eleven.

So now, even all these years later, when a loved one dies it sparks that old fuse, complicated by the fact that my two brothers actually did die in the long run.

It makes me want to push people I care about away because I don't want to feel the hurt of "potentially" losing them.

This is why I distance myself.

Unresolved grief bubbles to the surface and mixes with the new grief which gets me all messed up and brings me to my knees.

Thanks guys. It just feels so hopeless right now. i finnally made an appoointment for tomorrow and i really need help but I know that I'll be put on meds and I don't want that. I'm so tired of having to explain it all again. I have been house bound more and more and I think I am actally afraid to try again.I have been pushing my BF away although he has been so supportive.

(((( froggie2 ))))

Let us know how you're doing, please.

I understand the struggle.

Just thought I'd let you know I saw my doc. He is still convinced that I am bp and should be on meds. i think the ptsd and the anxiety are the culprits more than anything. Does this sound likely to any of you? I ended up talking to a local conseller who "might" fit me in. Just talking to her I was anxious on the phone. Because my speech sounded pressured to her she says bp. Later in the afternoon I suddenly had a huge cry and vomited every few minutes and then felt totally wiped out for a day and a half. What is it that makes some people sound so confrontational.Its their way or the hiway. I fiquired if that is how I am just on the phone don't even go there. The flip side is to not runaway but face my fears. What a choice! Anyway I am really wondering if it is possible to do this on my own. Just keep understanding what is underneath and face it as best I can.

Anyway I am really wondering if it is possible to do this on my own.

I suppose it's possible but T would get you stabilized sooner.