[iamsarahearmygrr]

I lost my grandfather recently (a few months ago) at the age of 70. He was a wonderful man who always spoke his mind, was handy with tools, fished like a pro, and cooked great too. Despite the face that he was a bit of a racist (we're from Texas; elderly Texans are mostly racist) he always had wonderful advice about life. Every woman in the family, myself included, would wait on him hand and foot if he wanted us to. All he had to do was say his coffee cup was empty and 5 or so of us would stand up to refill it fighting amongst ourselves on who it was. Basically he was the heir-arch of our family. Even at 22 years old if he patted his leg I was so sit on his lap and I did and it would make me feel about 5 years old again. Of course I know some of you may read this and think it's a little strange but my pawpaw was the greatest man I've ever known. Now to move on from his description... and on to how I'm selfish. When he was diagnosed with lung cancer I thought I had plenty of time. When they said the cancer had receded I thought I had even more time to go see him. I work 40+ hours a week and live with me boyfriend. We share a car so I had to wait until we had a day off together to use the car to drive up and see my grandpa. It never happened. I saw him once before he died and though I know he knew I loved him there's still a huge part of me that feel guilty that I didn't go more often. I had always pictured him being there for huge events in my life like my wedding or my kids... me succeeding in life instead of working fast food... I wanted him to be proud of me and instead I never got the chance. I miss him every minute of every day. This is the first close person I've ever lost. My work performance has definitely suffered and my relationship has been seriously strained because of the depression I've fallen into. I'm new here so I'm not sure if this post was too long or what but I appreciate you reading this and anything you might have to say is much appreciate.

[NWgirl2013]

I am so sorry for your loss. It is normal for you to miss this wonderful & much loved patriarch of your family. Don't beat yourself up too much for having a life and being a responsible adult.
Of course it would have been nice to spend more precious moments together and that it didn't happen doesn't really make you selfish.
Please let yourself grieve, it is part of growing, learning in life to face this kind of loss. The trick is always to do it with a measure of grace.
I am so glad you found this site. It is full of really lovely people who truly do care....

[Gus1234U]

it is hard enough to grieve, without adding guilt. of course you wish things had been different, but if he was the wise person you say, he did understand that you were struggling to build a life. try to focus on the good things he did and said, the good times you had together, and remember that you are grieving for YOUR loss, not his.

i hope writing about your feelings, and eventually talking about them with others will help you to put them in perspective. i know it can take a long time for this feeling to recede, but it will, just stay with it while you have it. grief is entirely natural, and has it's own course...

i hope you find what you need here in PC ~
Gus

[Sabrina]

I am sorry for your loss. I don't believe you were being selfish. Just take time to be gentle with yourself while you grieve.