[Kendyll]

I don't feel well these days and I can't tell what's wrong. I don't know if it's grief or stress or depression or something physical.

My Dad died in January. He'd been sick for a while, so it wasn't a huge shock, but it still hurt. Then in June a friend of mine that I hadn't seen in a few years passed away from a massive heart attack. Then last week, another friend of mine suffered a massive heart attack and died, too. Too many people are dying this year...
My husband is finally seeing a neurologist about his seizures and sleep troubles, and they fast-tracked him through a bunch of tests last week. And as a family of four on a single income, there's never enough money.

I can't get to sleep. Once i fall alseep, I sleep just fine, but getting to sleep can be hard. Most nights I lay awake for about an hour and a half to two hours before I fall asleep. That means I'm not getting enough sleep because the alarm still goes off at the same time every morning whether I slept all night or not. I've been falling alseep at my desk at work and that's NOT good. I'm taking all my meds like I'm supposed to. I've even added on some melatonin before bed at my doctor's advice. That only helps a little, and makes me even more drowsy the next day. I try getting out of bed when I can't sleep, but then I just stay up even later.

I alternate between feeling really serene and really irritable. some days nothing bothers me and other days I go into a screaming fit if the cat coughs up a hairball. I don't cry much. I'm more angry than sad. Once in a while I'm sick to my stomach and I get headaches.

It doesn't feel like grieving. It feels like i"m exhausted and cranky and sick.
Or is that what grieving really feels like?

[winter4me]

You are in a tough place all around, you probably are exhausted, cranky, worried, stressed, and grieving while also thinking of your own mortality and where you are and where you would like to be---with all that is going on I am not surprised you don't feel well. I hope your doc. also did a good physical exam to rule out contributory medical issues. My heart goes out to you. What/who do you have for a support system? And what, if anything, are you taking a little time out of the day to do just for yourself? You need some place/time for comfort and self-indulgence, I think.

[Kendyll]

I wish I felt like comfort and self-indulgence...There's just not much I want to do, or can afford to do. If it's not time, it's money and if it's not money, it's time. Or it's really hot out. Fishing is no fun when it's really hot.
I do have a good support system of AA people around me. I will admit, I hate to bother them a lot because there's not a whole lot anyone can do except listen to me gripe, and that's not helpful for either of us. I've picked up extra meetings here and there and I am making more phone calls.
It's rough. It's like my life has turned into one of those "What's wrong with this picture?" things. You know, where there's the regular shot, and next to it is another picture that looks almost the same except the building is missing columns and the red rose is gone. That sort of thing. Where my daily life isn't really affected at all, but people who were always part of my landscape have disappeared.
I'll call my doctor about a physical checkup. I hadn't really thought about that/didn't want to run up the doctors' bills any more.
Thank you for your kind words!