My mother, my abuser, died yesterday.

My mom was diagnosed with inflammatory breast cancer stage 4 a month ago. She died yesterday. It's a rare aggressive cancer that can go to that stage in 3 weeks if it wanted to. When it was diagnosed, her spine was already starting to crack. From life to death in one month.

The thing is, I'm mad and sad and I don't know how to feel. Yes, she is my mother. She hurt me for so long though, it's hard to actually feel sad that SHE'S gone but I do have sadness for a loss of life.

Also, I'm distant from my family. No one tried to help me. Everyone saw the abuse, literally witnessed it with their own eyes and did nothing. So, I'm distant, doesn't mean I don't care. But no one seems to notice, I'm grieving too. Everyone is sending condolences to my sister, who's 14, and my step dad. I know that sounds selfish but growing up how I did, can you blame me?

That's something else. My step dad tried sexual abuse on me. It didn't get to far. My mom never noticed or just didn't care. He's already using inclusive language and from knowing him, he's going to take my sister and I'm never going to see her again. Just the way he's talking.

I'm not very well off right now.

I'm sorry you are going through this situation. Having experienced the abuse yet the feelings from your heart, the sadness and grief and the fact that that your sister might be taken away from you are very intense. Do you have someone a counselor to talk to? being able to find out what your options might be and to have someone to talk to you about this would be so positive. please keep posting . There are many compassionate people that care on these forums.
warm thoughts

I go to the online DBSA meetings because there aren't any in my area. Other then that I have no body and no resources. Thank you for your concern. It means a lot. I don't know what I even feel.

My condolences in the loss of your mother and sorry for all the confusing feelings you're going through. Its understandable you have these mixed /confusing feelings and agree you should speak to a counselor. Is your sister the stepfathers child? Are you in contact with her? My worry is the Stepdad might try abusing her. It must be hard feeling alienated because when a death happens, it helps to band together.

I couldn't attend my brothers service because my SIL had him cremated before we could see him. I was so upset and couldn't attend the service. Hugs to you and you're welcome to share here.

{{{ Hugs }}} demon card... i grew up in a family that sounds a lot like yours, and i ran away. when my dad remarried, he did abuse my step-sister, she killed herself. PLEASE get help for your sister~! call Child Protective Services... do not let yourself regret doing nothing for the rest of your life~!

it is hard to feel left out and abandoned even in your grief, i know... my brother and my uncle went to see my mom in the hospital, and i didn't have transportation, they didn't even call me... but now you can process you relationship with your mom without her hurting you.

wishing you the best of a bad time, and all the support you need~!
Gus

No, my sister and I have different dads and them my mom married our step dad. So, we're half siblings sharing a step dad. And yes, I'm afraid he will try something. She called me about 9 months ago asking if he had ever done anything to me. She failed to recognize it when it happened and I was so mad, I just ignored her calls until she gave up. She never told me why she wanted to know, obvs. So, I wonder.

But I talked to a friend who knows law. The courts will suggest my step dad or me. I have NO space or way to care for her. Yes, I talk to her but my family is so unlike me in everything. Interests, political beliefs, religious beliefs. Everything. It's hard to actually make a connection. My grandpa is in too frail of health to take care of her, too.

I am very sorry for your loss. I know how you feel though. When I lost my mom I was like 36 and still was being abused by her but mentally at that point. I had so many different emotions it was hard to know which to go with at the moment. Where is your sister's dad? Is he living? If not I would try to find a way to keep her with you instead of the step dad. He has no legal right to her.

I'm very sorry you grew up like that too.

My sister's dad is a drunk who never paid his child support. I honestly don't know where he is. No one does. I have no way to support her. I'm not mentally capable to support her. I just can't. As much as I want to. I can't. I don't even have space. I can barely afford to keep a roof over my own head. I am in no position to care for another human. And it kills me because I feel I'm failing her. But I also don't want her in the foster system because I know too many people who were in it. It's hell. I hope there isn't some big deal. I don't want to go to court. Will I have to? I am not even stable right now, tbh.

Thanks for your words, all.

hugs x it is no wonder your emotions are so mixed up , mine were too when my abuser my mothers second husband died a couple of years ago. i too am distant from my family, like you i both hate and care about my family. i have found being distant is best for me, i still have contact through cards on birthdays and christmas with those of my extended family who do care about me, but have no contact with my close/nuclear family. i too was concerned for my younger sister when i left home, tried phoning her regularly, but over time she chose to break contact. as long as you give your sister the opportunity to have a relationship with you either by phone computer or whatever, there is little you can do as the choice is hers in the end. i have got to a place within myself where i believe as long as my sis is happy without me in her life then that is ok with me, and she has my contact details for if she ever wants to contact me in the future.
it is hard being without family, but good friends are just as valuable, and you get to chose those.
be kind to yourself, if you wish to attend your mums funeral or whatever then do so, if you feel you don't want to go that is ok too, it is all about you and your feelings at this time not how others feel or think you should do. you are bound to grieve, not only the loss of your mum and any hopes of an apology or reconcilliation, but the emptiness left by the hatred for her too because hating the person who hurt you when they are alive is a completely different hatred than that when they are no longer able to ever answer to their actions.
take care, be kind to yourself and accept that your emotions have a long road to travel before you will feel some peace over all that is/has happened and you can get on with the next chapter of your life x

You're right. It is different. And I don't know what to do. I can't really feel right now. I keep laughing but when I laugh, and it's genuine, iit still hurts. It feels like I'm crying.

give yourself time, allow your feelings time to go through whatever process they need to. it will hurt for a while yet, even if you are unable to cry at present, don't be suprised if you suddenly do in the weeks or months to come.
grieving has many stages and everyone goes through them, but not always in the same order. feeling numb (no feelings) is part of the process. even when my partner who i loved dearly passed away i felt numb for a good few weeks, then cried, then a mixture of both, then questioning God, hating God, etc before after a few years i finally accepted what will be will be, we can not change the past, but we can certainly make the most of our future.
if you want to help your sister, but are scared of the consequences you can always call child protective services annonymously, explain the situation and that you do not want it getting out that it was you who called. they have to respect you wishes for annonyminity as well as investigate the abuse to your sister.
the numbness you are feeling is normal at this stage, but eventually you will feel something i call peace, it is a strange unfamiliar feeling to those who have been abused in their childhood, but when you do feel it you will know you have started a new chapter in your life, one where your mum can no longer hurt you.
till then be gentle with yourself x

Yes, your focus should be on your sister. She needs your help! She was too young to be the one to stick up for you when your step dad was abusing you. You need to let the police know that he abused you and that he is taking care of a young girl now. You can help her like someone should have helped you.

I thought I read that you were angry at her for not recognizing the abuse? She would have been very young. That was your mom's responsibility, not your little sisters. She was too young to have that burden placed on her shoulder. You, as the elder sister should be helping her though.

She was probably reaching out to you because she was abused too.