[allimsaying]

I havent posted too much in this forum. Maybe I thought I could avoid facing the passing of my closest loved ones, or, thought I could deal with it without seeing any sad aspect of it, but I havent been successful with that. I was doing ok until lately the thoughts and memories continue to come up and the feelings have become more intense so Im writing this out here just to have someplace to move my feelings outwards and free to swirl into the skies where the spirits of them can catch them.

Both parents passed this year, within the past 5 months. Its so final when you cant see your loved ones anymore. I have my memories of their faces, thier voices, thier expressions. I have the memory of how big thier hearts could be, how human they were, how they tried to be right in thier lives. I can remember all the things they gave thier energy to and now, able to look back over our history together, I understand the things that were important to them. The good things, like, some people you never stop loving, and some painful things, like how they stopped loving each other.

I just wanted to take a minute to write these thoughts out, get started on getting in touch with my thoughts about what they mean, how they arent totally gone if I can still remember who they were and what they did.

Im not sure what to do with my thoughts yet. I mean to learn something in all of this. I need to pick up the pieces, again, and make an organized effort to keep my life on track. It feels like half of me is sliding away and the other half is pulling and tugging to stop sliding but Im in a real slippery place.

[gayleggg]

I'm so sorry for your loss. Having lost my loving parents 2 years apart was bad. Can't imagine all of it in 5 months. No wonder you are reeling. I would suggest grief counseling. I still have days where the thoughts and memories come flooding back and I have to have a good cry. Keep writing. I think that helps.
Gayle

[gismo]

Hi allimsaying, wow what a major loss you have endured this year, my heart goe's out to you my friend, i lost my mum 5 years this xmas and i think that i personally will never get over that , i have nearly 5yrs of the stages of grieving and did'nt even know it was grief that was due to my many issues until i researched it, still the point is that i'am saying is give yourself time to adjust and recover, you are on the right track by writing your feelings down , i think it is a good thing, i thought about writing a book with all the things i wrote down about how i felt and about my mother's funny ways she lived her life. i never did tho, why not try and do that sort of thing, you are very good at expresssing your self,and i might give you something too focus on as well, you are a very sound person to me anyway so look forward to maybe reading your book eh?
gismo x

[winter4me]

I know what you are saying, having lost my entire "nuclear" family in span of two years some time ago (my younger brother and both parents) along with my marriage, same time frame (my mother actually survived, and I cared for her, but immediately upon my father's death I realized she was demented, and her decline was initially so fast that she didn't know me, her grandkids, was paranoid, etc----so there was no time spent remembering together...grieving together...) Prior to that, both my parents were always healthy, active, my son declared they would "live forever"...)
I too still recall, and miss the voices---the phone calls that will never come, the letter or card that will never arrive again---and I am living with all their stuff and trying now to sort through and get rid of the "things" so that I can have the last part of my own life for myself and my grown children and grand child --- hopefully more to come---
I don't think these events ever end, they change, ebb and flow like uneven tides---
and there just never seems to be the "right" time, or "enough" time to "deal with" the losses---I sometimes think I could do something if time could just be put on hold for a few days---I find being out in the woods, camping, the best therapy for me.
I think I also find the losses complicated by knowing almost no one who knew them all when they were alive and healthy; and knowing almost no one I knew when I was married. It makes me feel very alone with the losses. And I don't want to burden my kids who are healthy and living their good lives.
...If you are one who can develop rituals that may help (lighting candles at certain times, a nightly 'prayer' that includes them all, planting ---- my family member's ashes are in my garden, and there is some comfort in sitting near the spot chosen; and I plan to take some of that soil with me when I leave here.
I also find that any loss recalls earlier losses (the friends/family who died young etal) and can threaten to drown a person...
But it is all part of life, in this society I don't think death or dying is talked about enough in ways that help one to cope---there was always a lot of denial in my family and friends.
So sorry for your losses. Do allow yourself to grieve freely if you can, I think that is the best "medicine" -- that, and the natural world away from expectations...

[allimsaying]

Thank you for all your understanding, empathy,friendship and hugs. Im not very good when it comes to describing how much PC has been a part of my life. I know I dont give gratitude often enough to you good people who meet me in the place I am and help me wobble past my faults and misunderstandings. You're always there for me anyway.

Gayle - There is a center near where I live that Ive visited when I thought I needed to. Im not sure if I need to over this. If I think I do, I will, ok? Thanks for your caring suggestion ((hugs))). A good cry has been trying to come on as Ive been writing this. We can share our tears together if you want.

Gismo - (((hugs))) Your words brought to me a light spirit of brightness and hope. Im not sure how you do that, but, you do it well. At times I feel like a book is all Im going to be able to salvage out of this shipwreck. I try to be sound, Ive meant to be sound. Love wont fail me, this I know. But you know, it hurts sometimes.

Thank you W4m - (((hugs))) You've travelled this road some distance,These are my first steps. I feel like a greenhorn about it. Im raw, I feel sensitive, these wet drops are falling from my eyes and right now, no one is holding me. But I have you guys. Im seriously spiritual and I know thats going to help a lot and factor in. I couldnt take these steps without a belief in things greater than myself. I cant cry these tears without believing love means something, to all of us, at some time. I have to learn my lesson about love, and these were some of the people that taught me the best they could. I want to know what they wanted me to know. I want to know if I got it all right. Thier spirits will tell me.

The thing is, I just dont want to see this as something sad that happened, or that its a loss in some way. they gave to me a gift.

[winter4me]

Sadness itself is a strange kind of gift. Without it, we might not appreciate the small joys. Crying is good. Grieving is necessary to health. I too have found PC a good place to be. Hang in there/here.

[wiseskmrlady]

loosing someone is very hard, one of the hardest things I think we have to go through having lost my husband about a year and a half ago, its been a very tuff journey

[Nobodyandnothing]

I am sorry for your losses and those of all the responders here. I know that losing somebody you love must be one of the biggest hurts one can experience.

Condolences to you all.

Allimsaying,
I see your account is suspended but if you do come back feel free to pm me. I lost my parents 10 days apart. My mom had cancer but my dad died first, them I think my mom knew it was ok to go. The hurt has been difficult for me but more unbearable was the pain my young children experienced seeing the only grandma and grandpa they ever knew both die so quickly. Unfortunately, I was not there for them because of my grief. Now we refer to gram and gramp with happy memories and stories. It took a long time though.

Please pm me any time.

[TinaWQ]

I remember losing my best friend Jillian, we would study every day after class together . I even picked her up from the hospital when no one else would... it sux so bad that she is gone now, but I guess you just have to move on, and remember them positively forever