[htebsiL radnalaS]

June was one year since I lost my Taño. Quito passed in January of this year.

The deal was that I was supposed to go with them. But I'm still here. I sometimes want to believe it's a cruel joke from the universe that I'm still here considering that I believe it would have been poetic justice for my life to end with theirs.

Apparently i have more to do on this earth. Probably more furry creatures to care for. I'm tired. There isn't anything that could top the joy I shared with Quito and Taño. And i don't want there to be either. Even my plans to go volunteer with the Big Cats in Africa won't top it. But yes, it may come close.

We were together for 20 years. My longest relationship. My fur babies. I'm better. I don't cry every day now. And i miss them so much. It still hurts. I know time helps. There's really nothing to be said. Eventually I'll adopt again.

Like many of us, human friends are rare in my life. Animals have always just made more sense. I live alone. I miss their company. I miss the physical touch, petting, cuddling.

The end of a life is never pretty. It breaks my heart. I try refocusing to the happy memories instead of agonizing over the final heart-breaking days and the regrets and sorrow. I know to let the tears flow freely. That always helps.

Just wanted to write here about this grief.

There are four cats I feed outside. The youngest lets me pet her sometimes. I can feel the exchange of positive energy when I pet her. Sometimes I leave the front door open and put food a few feet inside. They'll cautiously come eat. It's precious to watch while I sit frozen still. Just having another life form in my home feels so amazingly powerful and wonderful.

Thanks for listening. It is what it is.

(You can see an album of images of my boyz on my profile page if you like.)

From one cat lover to another.

[Speed3]

I have four kitty babies I understand.

[gayleggg]

I mostly have dogs, but I did have one cat that I dearly loved. I lost him to kidney failure at a fairly young age, But I still keep his picture around to remind of the wonderful being he was. I've lost many dogs through the years. Angel my oldest was 16 when she died. There were many others I had the gift of caring for while they were here on this earth. I loved everyone and mourned the loss of each one. I think it is good you are remembering the good times with them. And I'm glad you have the outside cats to give some comfort. I know you are hurting now, but as you said you will probably adopt again when you are ready. i know that's what I did and now I have two lovely furbabies both around age 13 so I cherish the years I have left with them. Wishing to you the best and enjoy your trip to Africa, big cats need love too.
Gayle

[IndieVisible]

htebsiL radnalaS your still here because you are needed here. There are a lot of cats that need love and care. Your work is not done yet.

I have 3 cats right now...on 8/31 it will be 7 years since I lost my first and favorite. I lost another in 2008. I don't think you ever get over the pain.
I do believe they are always with us, however...and I think when you are ready, there will be more cats for you to love besides the ones you are so kindly caring for outside already. Hugs to you.

[worthit]

I have 4 cats and feed 2 outside cats. I lost an outside cat recently and that's sad. I also feed 2 opossum and raccoons. Oh, and the ducks too. It's time for you to make your house pet happy again. It won't be the same,but you'll be giving a good caring home to someone who really needs it.

Sent from my VS920 4G using Tapatalk 2

[Yoda]

I understand what you are saying. Dusty was my forever horse and I wanted us to die together so neither of us would be without the other. I had him for only twelve years before he died last year. He was my best friend in the world and I miss him so. My dogs and cats have all gone missing or died in the past couple years and I have no pets at all right now. I am going to adopt a cat or two from the shelter but my son says lets get the house cleaned better before we bring another animal here but I don't want to wait. I need a cat and somewhere a cat needs me.

[Citrine]

You had such great years and such alot of them, how could you not miss them? Sounds like they are up there together. I too am a cat lover and have lost before. Its incredible heart wrenching pain. I too think the same way about my current furboy. I know how hard it is to keep going but obviously as you are such a sensitive soul and truly love these beings that cant talk for themselves..you must stay and do good work. You are the perfect person to help them. God bless.

I just checked the album, beautiful pics, so much love and contentment in their faces.

[avlady]

i think everybody should have at least 1 pet, we need to take care of these furry ceatures the best we can if its doable, like expences for vetranarians.

[Xiao Shu]

I'm so sorry for your loss. I know how you feel, I lost my fur baby nearly three months ago and I miss him to bits. I loved your boyz' pics, you can see from every picture that they had a happy life, filled with love. I think opening your heart and home to another fur baby can bring you some comfort, when you feel ready to do so.

[htebsiL radnalaS]

Thank you everyone. It means so much that you've taken the time to see their photos. it's actually healing. It is always wonderful to see people still replying to my original post from awhile back.

Quito has been in my freezer since January. For one reason or another I haven't taken him for cremation. i wanted to see him a couple of times. it freaks my brain out though because he looks asleep! it's like my brain can't compute the visual with the reality. i partly wanted to look to help me accept reality. A couple of peeks has been enough though. i scheduled an appointment for this Thursday the 19th for Quito's cremation. I see how much i've been actually glad that different obstacles kept coming up that kept me from going sooner. because now a part of me is anxious about taking him and not having his body. but i know it's time. he needs to be released. i'm doing this for him.

i'm all about ritual and symbolism. so i cremated Taño on the new moon in june of 2012 near the summer solstice. Quito will be cremated on the full moon near the autumnal equinox. The fact that they're cremations are happening on opposite moons and near seasonal changes makes me feel happy.

The place I took Taño and where i'm taking Quito was great. all the staff are very gentle and kind. i was able to do a brief memorial for Taño with music and candles and symbolic words... they even let me cut a corner out of my own baby blanket to burn with him. i'll do everything almost identically with Quito. i was able to be with Taño thru the whole process. it is part of my grief process being involved in every step. it's just also part of how i take care of them. i know probably a lot of it is wanting control on my part and i'm fine with that. if there is one thing i'm NOT going to let go of until i absolutely have to is being present with my boyz thru every possible moment...

Taño's cremation was hard because it his death was sudden, and it was a first. Quito's cremation will be hard because of what his living past his brother came to mean to me. Quito's death and cremation makes this loss so painfully real and i'm faced with an empty house without them (even though i swear i still see and hear them in the background. each time that happens the grief hits another level. reality slaps me in the face each time i THINK i hear/see them. Qutio helped cushion the blow. He helped ease the transition. I just realized that he always played that role. not sure what to call it. (if you have any ideas what to call this dynamic that Quito played in our lives, please share.) Quito wasn't "planned adoption". I hadn't planned on adopting two kitties. I knew I wanted a brown tabby cat. That was/is Taño. And there was Quito, his brother in the same cage, looking soooooo cute! I couldn't separate them. And the rest is herstory He was the "unplanned" kitty and turned out to be more than I could ever have imagined! He was/is my little buddha. My angel. Taño was/is my kindred spirit...

i made a pillow with tons of their photos. one side of the pillow has a brown background with Taño's photos. The other side has a pink background (for Quito's precious pink toe pads) with Quito's photos. earlier last week i sobbed and sobbed into the pillow. i'm very happy i have it. i plan on sewing some of their ashes and fur into the inside of the pillow. i'm going to make a smaller pillow to take when i travel. today i bought some super plush pieces of material ... and guess what colors?? one is deep brown like Taño's gorgeous toe pads and the other piece is pink for Quito. Not sure what i'll do with them but something will come to me.

i also have a couple of East Indian pendants that i can open and put things inside. i just obviously want to hold onto them as much as i can, even if just symbolically... i am comforted by all my rituals.

i imagine the final step will be when i sprinkle their ashes into the ocean... And THAT event is for some unknown date in the future...... i'll know when the time is right....

I LOVE YOU QUITO! I LOVE YOU TAÑO! I MISS YOU BOTH SOOOOOOOO MUCH!!!!!
I know you're with me every day. I just miss touching you, holding you, burying my face into your fur and taking a deep breath of each of your scents... I'm afraid time will erase too much from my mind!!!!!! I'm so sorry I didn't go with you like we'd planned. I'm not sure yet why that happened. Maybe I'll know one day... I wish we had all gone together but i could never bring myself to making that happen. I was so afraid of all the possible consequences. I was afraid of the unknowns... But now you know, and i remain open to all your messages... please help me hear you!
Love, momma

[Don'tKnow]

OMG I'm sorry to hear about your kitties. I love kitties so much! I'm a big animal lover.

Although my favorite animal is dog. I'm a dog person.

[avlady]

I am so sorry for your loss, maybe like you said you can get over the deaths and get another pet, i know they are in heaven, they were heaven on earth too.

[Quebec01]

Your message is so beautiful and touched my heart. I believe all animals have souls, so they must be watching over you and waiting for you in heaven.
Warm hugs,

[htebsiL radnalaS]

Thank you Quebec. I took Quito for cremation on the 19th. I created a beautiful ceremony for him. I'm sad and also feel some kind of relief. The process has ended for the most part. i released him finally. the next steps will be the spreading of the ashes. that will happen some day in the far future. i'm in no hurry. i have pendants for pictures and pendants to hold some of their ashes and fur i carry/wear the pendant with their photos with me all the time. i have their ashes in boxes on an altar that i created with their photos and poetry and candles and sage... i'm amazed by the effect that the cremation is having on me. it is more completely making me face their ending. with Quito being the last to go it was almost like losing them both together. no more furry kitties in my home... for now.

except for when i tempt the 4 outdoor cats that i feed to come inside while i leave the door open and set food inside. the baby is so adorable and lets me pick her up sometimes, albeit for only a few seconds whenever they come in if only a few feet and only for a few minutes, it just reminds me of how much i miss having other life walking around my feet... the baby is very cute, sometimes she'll come in all the way to the kitchen at feeding time while i'm preparing their dishes.

i know i'm not ready yet to adopt anyone. i'm just too raw and too exhausted from grief and all the work it took the last year to take care of my boyz in their old age... i still cry. i won't ever stop crying. that much i know.

Quito is the white/brown kitty.
Taño is the brown guy.

[Quebec01]

Only animal lovers can understand how deep a relashionship can be. Each thing you do expresses your deepest feelings. Time needs time... You have much to offer and the strays you are feeding are a good example. Only time will tell when you are ready to adopt a new furry friend. When this time comes, you will know. Until then, take it easy, one step at a time.

[Quebec01]

Very beautiful pictures. So cuddly and sweet. I can tell by their expression that you were very close.