Grief...a failed marriage?

After 7 years of marriage,I left my abusive, meth addicted husband. After going through hell...being locked inside for weeks, the bathroom for days, strangled, raped, beat, tortured, etc...I got away managed to take the three children. Honestly...I never should have made it out alive...but God was with me through everything and he pulled me away from all that.
Anyway...I have been away and hiding for 5 months. The fear I had the first week was intense...hourly panic attacks realizing I wouldn't be able to explain what I was doing away from him in a way that would satisfy him. Then...I was strong, confident, sure. I knew I wouldn't go back, I put on a brave face and chose to make good out of my horror.

Anyway...here we are 5 months later and im breaking down. Crying, missing him, wondering if I can be alone. I will not go back..and lost my romantic love through all the crap. But my heart hurts, my soul is sad, I am lonely...and there are so many things that were left unsaid.
I don't know if it is grief or what...but it hurts. Hurts me deeper than I knew I could hurt. A constant burning aching...

Live Love Learn

Yes, some of this is going to be grief. Anytime we lose someone or something, like a marriage, no matter who's fault it is we have to grieve. If it is possible try to see a counselor. You need help to work through this. You are not missing "him" your missing what you wanted him to be but wasn't. You might also want to write an unsent letter. Right everything you want say to him, then tear it into tiny pieces and say goodbye. It' helped me get past my guilt and hurt after my divorce. Good luck. Glad you are in a safe place.

I can relate to the emotions that you're feeling inside, I felt similar emotions after my marriage ended. And I never suffered abuse from my ex-hub.

Mine was pretty terrific to me...up until we moved many states away from everything that I knew & my world quickly started to fall apart. But, yes, I went through all of those horrible emotions that survivors go through. I can see now that I was mourning what I once cherished (for so many years) was gone.

You did the right thing for yourself and your children. You will make it through, as we end up having a lot more strength than we could have imagined. There are a lot of community support groups that exist in helping families like yours. Emotional support, monetary support, child care assistance, etc. Please do reach out for their help. Gentle hugs to you and your children. Take care of your children and yourself. That is what's important now.

Meth changes people into something different than what they once were. Often they are
violent and down right dangerous. It seems to be so addictive. Glad you and your children
got away alive without physical damage.

Thank you everyone.

I am starting therapy in the beginning of January. I have been told to do the letter thing...yet...can't bring myself to do it. There is so much hurt and writing tends to make me remember more and more. But...I do feel a need to let it all out...because it is eating at me. Like a dirty little secret we share...the things that occurred. I don't want to hold it anymore. It isn't mine to keep.

Live Love Learn

Sorry for what you've been through and u're so lucky to still be here to write about it. Going to counseling will help but ultimately you need to forget the past and start a new life. You will find someone else that love you, share your concerns and comfort you.

Imagine u're kids growing up in an abusive environment. Is that what you want? Is ur husband more important than your children? And u already know the answer by escaping from hell! Let him be in hell for what he did! Don't feel sorry! Was he sorry when he tortured you? Is that what u do to your loved ones? That's criminal and cowardly acts! He's lucky u don't beat the heck out of him when he's high and go to the police for self defense.

You missed him bc u're so used to the normal day to day there and now you're FREE! New changes make u feel insecure and a little uncomfortable. Be strong! There are plenty of social services that can help u both emotionally, and financially so u can provide a better future for your children! Your children will thank you for your protection, shelter, comfort and an opportunity to live a better life! You're a true HERO!

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