[jen29]

It will be 2 years tomorrow on the 12th of December that my brother took his life. It feels like yesterday, and it's still really raw. I miss him so much. I love him with all my heart. I haven't seen his family in a year, basically have had no contact with them. I don't know if will be seeing them any time soon. I don't know what to do about it either. They live a few hours away from me and my sis-in-law (if I still call her that) doesn't seem to have any interest in my brother's side of the family. It's all really sad really and will most likely remain that way.

I still can't look at his picture or the scrapbook my step-mom made me last year. I haven't been able to cry, I have no emotions lately. This time of year is so hard for me especially now that my friend was just diagnosed with cancer. I am taking care of her and trying to be the best friend I can to her right now. I am putting all my stuff on the shelf right now for her. I had to take a leave of absence from work last month due to such anxiety and depression and not being able to go to work. I am off till the 3rd of Feb. I don't know if this is going to be long enough. I first and foremost want to make sure I can be there for my friend and make sure she knows I am in it for the long haul. Second I need to deal with the things that are going to be put on the shelf. I won't be seeing my T for a month over the holiday season and for half of January, so there will not be much support for me.

I hope everyone out there is safe and you are all in my thoughts and prayers. Thanks for listening.
jen

[gayleggg]

I'm sorry about your brother and you friend. You are being a good friend by helping her through this.

Grief for your brother is going to take time. Everyone processes on different timelines.

Be sure to take some time for yourself while caring for your friend. She needs you healthy.
Best wishes

[shezbut]

I can't believe that it has been 2 years already, jen! It feels like it was just about 1 year ago to me...so I can understand how fresh the emotions and memories are for you.

Sounds like you have got a LOT going on in your world right now. Helping your friend battle cancer is a lot of responsibility and attached emotions. Please try to make sure that you make time for breaks for yourself, rather than becoming so involved in this that you lose yourself in the process. You are important too & you need some TLC too! Like gayle said, you need to take care of yourself if you're going to care for others. We do a lot better as caretakers that way!

Gentle hugs to you ~ you're in my thoughts.

[jen29]

Tomorrow would of been my brother's 45th birthday. I am so numb lately, have absolutely no feelings. Can't feel happiness when good things happen, like my friend that have been helping found out she doesn't have cancer after all. Don't get me wrong am so relieved that she doesn't have it....I am grateful for that. I haven't been able to look at his picture for more then a quick glance. I haven't been able to go through the scrap book of him for a year. It was my x-mas present last year from my step-mom and that's the only time I have looked at it.
I try to talk to him at night, it feels like a waste sometimes because I don't think he even hears me. I just miss him so much right now. I wish I could have one last smile, one last hug, one last moment with him. Maybe that would make this all better. IDK???

Thanks for listening and the feedback. It's very much appreciated.

Jen

[shezbut]

What a relief that your friend has found out she is in the clear

I can understand what you're saying, jen. It is tough to jump around or even fake a smile sometimes. You're in one of those very difficult times now. Have you been working with a T throughout this process? I was just wondering... I remember before your brother passed away....You were really struggling at that time with your depression. Anyway, I just wonder if you have worked through a lot of the thoughts and emotions that that came along with his death? Not that I am some sort of expert. (Not at all!) I hope that you have been working with a T regularly, and that they have helped you gain some ground as time has passed.

Over the years, I have learned that we all have different ways of coping with the death of someone that we love. And I wouldn't say that there is "right way". We can make the intense pain of our loss(es) last longer by avoiding accepting reality. That's the one solid piece that I now know.

You may have read this article, but in case you haven't, here's the link:
On Grief, Loss and Coping | Psych Central Maybe there will be some helpful ideas for you, in some way.

My very best wishes to you, jen. I'm thinking good thoughts for you.

[jen29]

Thanks so much shezbut,
I have been working with a psychologist for the past 7-8 years now. She is great. We have worked on some of my grief from my brother's suicide, not a lot though. I don't even know what to say half the time. Sometimes I feel like I am getting on with my life, which I am in some ways, and other times I feel like I am stuck on the day that found out. I also went to a Grief group for people who lost someone suddenly like suicide, murder, or car accident. I only made it to about 3 of the sessions as was not ready to share my story yet.
Thanks also for the article. I had never seen that before and it helps in that I don't need to judge myself about where am at with my grief. I miss my brother like crazy and I know he isn't coming home, just hard to come to grips with that I will never get to say good-bye to him. There is no closure for me.
I have had a few more deaths since then. My grandfather passed away a year ago and a good friend of mine lost his battle with cancer. I was able to say good-bye to them at the funeral. I was able to see them and talk to them. With my brother there was no open casket or any way for me to see him. He had already been cremated and from what my dad said, he's unrecognizable. Also haven't been able to see his family in a year and there are no future plans for seeing them. She has moved on and the kids from what I hear are doing well. I just pray they still have their dad in their hearts.

Jen