[theexwife]

My ex-husband committed suicide in early January. I'm just now coming to realize that it's not my fault and relieve myself of some guilt.

I attempted my own suicide after I felt his mother held me responsible and was in ICU for 3 days and inpatient mental hospital for 14. Since then it's been intensive outpatient group therapy.

Has anyone else here lost someone they thought they could have/should have been able to help with drug addiction/suicide?

Could use some advice on how to cope day to day. Though I'm feeling ok tonight I'm sure I'll have some relapses especially as I'm going back to work in a few weeks.

thx,
Looking for Support

[regretful]

Welcome to PC. I've found a lot of support on these pages. I did lose an acquaintance to a drug overdose many years ago. With grief, whether it is suicide or the loss of a loved one or the loss of a relationship, taking it one day at a time is the best way to do it. I know that in my community there are grief support groups. I'm sorry for your loss, and I hope that you find the support that you're looking for here.

[LaborIntensive]

[theexwife]

Thanks. I wish the circumstances were better.

I can't seem to get over the not knowing WHY he did this. Was it just because he wanted to and no other reason? Or was he in pain? I prefer to believe the former but I'm almost obsessed with finding out why.

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[regretful]

I know that this is not the same, but it might be similar. For about two years after my wife had a miscarriage, I was obsessed with answering the "why" question. As I said before, I hope that you can find some comfort from the folks on this site.

[theexwife]

Thank you and I'm very sorry for your loss. Did you finally find an "answer" to your question? What made you stop looking?

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[Gus1234U]

i don't often talk about it, but i survived more than a few "suicide attempts", by various methods, one of which i actually died,,, eventually i learned that there are things worse than death, and i stopped... but i still had the 'little voice in my head' saying "i wish i was dead" over and over, constantly for years, all day every day, til i would just freak out.

it's easy, now, for me to understand how a person can mistake that voice for a real thought, when actually it is a form of OCD intrusive thought. but the thought itself can drive one mad... finally the will to resist breaks, and escape becomes the only answer.

suicide is always a way out.... of memories, of feelings, of thoughts, of self loathing.... that's the reason, hopelessness. it doesn't have to have anything to do with the current reality. i hope you can see that... you didn't cause his death, any more than he caused your collapse. it was too great a burden to bear, we lack the strength to continue on as we were, and must change...

i hope you are finding ways to strengthen yourself, to heal yourself, and to gain the skills that will help you to keep getting better.
best wishes~
Gus

[theexwife]

Thank you Gus. I hope you're doing better these days.

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[live2ski66]

The love of my life committed suicide in 2007. He was back in GA with his family and I was in CO skiing. At that point we were not together, but I kept hoping we would get back together. We both took the same anti depression medicine so I knew he suffered from depression. I also knew he had an alcohol and addiction issue from when he was married. Regardless of all that knowledge, I thought if anyone would kill themselves it would have been me and not him because he was always happy, or at least he faked it flawlessly.
When I was notified that Andy had died, I tried it as well, but my attempt was a half a SS attempt. I'm afraid that I will not be successful and end up worse than I am today.
My first reaction was to blame myself for not picking up on the signs. Over time I have learned to accept the idea he no longer could deal with this incarnation and exiting was the only way he knew to stop the pain. I don't judge him, I'm glad he did something to find some peace and I believe he did. As for me, I've decided the best way I can honor his memory is by not committing suicide. By fighting this disease tooth and nail, and by pursuing happiness every day.
That is what I tell myself, I don't always succeed, I am currently in a major depressive state, but I am actively fighting the disease. A year and a half after Andy's death my service animal Bugsy adopted me. Now I have two reasons to stay alive, Bugsy the cat who has been there for me through the death of my father and on many airplane trips (I have problems with airplanes) and my promise to Andy's memory.
It is hard to believe that you will not cry as much and your pain will not be as sharp, but it does get easier with every year. I still miss him every day, and I'm sure the anniversary of his death in a couple of days will be tough, but I will make it through.
Please feel free to PM me if you want someone to talk to. Hang in there, it is hard, but you will make it.

[regretful]

Originally Posted by theexwife

Thank you and I'm very sorry for your loss. Did you finally find an "answer" to your question? What made you stop looking?

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Hello...I never found an answer, and I stopped looking because of the futility. There are mysteries in this life to which a complete answer will never be found. I arrived at the conclusion that tragedies, such as the unexplained death of a loved one, are prime examples of such mysteries. It took me a few years to find some peace of mind. But I didn't reach out as soon as you...

[theexwife]

@live2 Thanks for sharing your story. I believe my Jay has also found peace. I try to believe that he was not in pain but seeking something more.

@regretful Thank you for sharing your experience. For now I'll keep searching for answers but, like you said, in time, I'll probably come to the same conclusion but I won't beat myself up about it either.

Thanks everyone. You've been very helpful.

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