[bixkf]

I understand that this section of the forums is for a greater form of loss, but I need advice nonetheless. I've been seeing a therapist and I've posted in various health related forums/sections for help but I still haven't been given any tools to deal with the loss.

Now you are probably asking what have I lost? Well I've lost feeling, and I've lost it in a number of places on my body. I've lost the feeling in my hands, feet, part of the legs and my genitals. The reality is the loss of feeling in my genitals is the hardest to deal with. I feel like a loved one looking over their spouse in a hospital bed hoping that they wake up from a coma.

It's funny because at the beginning of the problem I asked my doctor for help, and at the time I had the concept in my head of getting some kind of physical therapy (no I'm not talking that ). I realized that this was not something that was available. I eventually got referred to a psychiatrist and then a sex therapist. I've spent almost six months talking about my relationship with my spouse and my sexuality. Even when I try to talk about dealing/coping with the loss, the discussion always comes back to intimacy issues.

I still don't know how to deal with the loss. Some people might find it hard to understand because my genitals are still there...they still work (at least partially). It's not like I've lost a limb in an accident. It's not like I can take it off life support and bury it. But I'm constantly reminded that I can't feel them. I guess it would like divorcing an abusive partner only for that partner to move into the apartment across the hall.

Any advice?

[PTSD101]

Hey there bixkf

How are you doing? I feel for you! I don't have the same loss to cope with as you do but I can relate in a way. I used to be very physically active and on the go...like full on....then one day over 10 years ago, my body shut down. Although I can still feel all of my body and can still move around, anything even remotely active...like hanging out the washing is exhausting. I have to lie down to recover.

From reading your post I wonder if what I need to do may also help you?

I need to accept the fact that my body is now unable to do much at all...and grieve what it used to be able to do. Grieve that I can no longer jump on a bike and ride, grieve that even though I'd love to try martial arts my body can't do it....I could go on and on...but I'm sure you get the idea.

As I haven't been through this process yet I've been kind of stuck in no-mans land where I am doing nothing...not grieving, not accepting and therefore haven't opened up to new ways of doing things with my 'new' body.

I hope this helps?

Sending you big hugs

[Gus1234U]

yes, i was in much the same situation, when i had a toxic reaction to multiple psych meds, and acquired severe brain damage. i had always relied upon my excellent brain to get by in the world, and when that was gone i had nothing. less than nothing, because i had never known anything else. it took me several years to understand that what was gone was gone, and begin to grieve. it took several more years to get past the worst of the grief, too. and then several more before i began to live a new life... a lot of time given to shock and lack of understanding.

any loss can be a terrible thing, but the loss of something so profound as feeling, or thinking, or having, or doing, as before, doesn't just go away. there is no distancing from it. here we are, every time we check, the past is remembered, and compared to the present, and there is grief...

i hope you find a grief counselor, and not just one who can't face such loss her/himself~! and i wish you well in adjusting to your present reality, and i hope for your recovery~
best wishes~
Gus