[WinterRain]

Someone suggested that maybe I should come to this forum about grief and loss, so here goes nothing. . .I am 21 years and at the age of 13 I ended up losing my father. I'd like to start off by saying that my father was a very heavy dinker . . . He drunk from endless mornings to endless nights and he wouldn't stop. However, this never changed my perception of how I felt about my father. He was a wonderful father, he loved my siblings with a love that was equal and strong. I was a daddy's girl and when my father died, I lost everything. My emotions consisted everyday full of sadness and guilt and everyday I realized, I was slowly losing my sanity. I have endless grieving and guilt with this situation, it's like I simply can't let go as if I don't have the "will" too. I can't tell you the many days and nights I've spent having company with guilt and grief, can I tell you the many nights I've often cried myself to sleep. This has been an unimaginable tragedy for me, people say that eventually just have to kind of "get over". I can't get over it, there is no getting over it. I can't move on with I am still grieving and I can't move on when I'm still experiencing guilt. Guilt, that I could not give all of my time to him, guilt that I chose to move away with my mother to another state; guilt of how I last saw him and guilt that it is my fault. I cry myself to sleep just thinking about it, telling myself the things I could have done to be a better daughter. . . I would've known that he was sick . . . that he was dying, I would've tried my hardest to get done there as fast as I could. On that summer when I went down to visit, I found out he was dying two days before I had to go back up to another state to be with my mother. When hospice came and got him from his significant other's house, I didn't want to believe that it was true. When I went to the hospital and I waited in the waiting room . . . I still didn't want to believe it was true; but when they allowed me to go in and see him, I finally realized it was true. My last few memories of my father, they're memories that forever hunt me. I can remember every detail of the way that he looked, lying in that hospital bed. It was something gruesome for me to see, something that no matter how many times I try to make it disappear it will not go away. It's like the monsters that children talk about hiding under their beds, in this case this monster won't ever go away. I try to inquire good memories, memories that don't look like this. Memories that don't leave me crying, or asking myself over and over "why"? These memories leave me with guilt, sadness, and grief. I smile reminiscing the pictures of us together and looking back, and then guilt comes in not wanting to spare my hear t. I am a wreck, people often say that, sometime things happen that you just can't fix? Or everything happens for a reason, but you have to learn to move on and live you life. I can't move on . . . I'm not ready to, I need him back and I know I can never have that. Instead, I'll just suffer with the company of my friends grief and guilt.

[little_bear]

I am so sorry honey. I lost my father too, and it is something you never really get over. I loved my father more than I have ever loved anyone. He died three years ago. I can't deal with it sometimes either. Sometimes I miss him so much I think I want to die so I can be with him again. We have to be strong and get through this. Your father would want you to be happy. His alcoholism wasn't your fault no matter how much you think it is. Just try to replace the sorrow in your heart with joy. Every time you feel happy, picture your father smiling down on you because I believe he is.

[eskielover]

You have been allowing your emotional mind to be in control rather than allowing your logical mind to talk to you about what happened.

I also know that a lot of times when people do have some guilt.....it's hard to let go because other than the memories that you have you wouldn't really have many & sometimes we hold onto the negative memories rather than to have NO memories at all.

I struggle with anger feelings toward my mother who died at about the same time as your dad. She blew off her cancer that was totally obvious but she excused it away as a cyst until the tumor was the size of my fist & it was stage 4 & because of the way she handled herself, I blame her for the trauma I went through with her home care person I ended up having to protect her from......I had so much anger toward my mother that honestly I never felt grief. It's taken me the last 5 years of therapy to work on processing that anger & all the damage the trauma caused me.

I know that the hospice care had grief councelling at the time I went through my mother's death, but they couldn't help with the trauma issues. I truly believe that it takes having a good therapist/psychologist to be able to work through the thinking that is involved when it's our emotional thinking that has ended up in control rather than allowing the logical mind to do the processing of their death.......& it's the processing through therapy that brings up the logical thinking & the ability to put our thoughts into perspective & into reality.

[Malachite]

Winter, I wish I had some words of solace; I do not. I can only make you aware of my empathy; I do feel your pain. I regret, not being with my father in his last days. Maybe, I am better of for not being there? I was spared the haunting of his suffering, his ultimate demise. Now, I only suffer the guilt of not being there.

[Violet Blue]

WinterRain,

I understand.

My dad died when I was ten. I held onto the grief with everything I had because, in my ten-year-old head, that's ALL I had. If I "felt" the grief, then that meant that my love for him was real and if I let that grief go, how would I "feel" him anymore? I'd have nothing.

The sadness took over my heart and clouded my head. When his memory began to fade, I blacked out all memories of him but held on to the pain. I remember things we did as a family, and me walking beside him, but I cannot "see" him. I've tried so many different ways to remember his face, his voice, ANYTHING, but all I see is him in the casket. I remember driving to the cememtery, although I have no memory of the actual grave or burial service.

It took years of therapy to finally heal my little ten-year-old's broken heart. But when I did (and don't get me wrong, the loss was a permanent scar) that little ten-year-old began to thrive, and laugh again, and realize there was NO WAY it was her fault. I hope this will happen for you. You and your inner thirteen year old deserve happiness.

[junkDNA]

Originally Posted by Violet Blue

WinterRain,

I understand.

My dad died when I was ten. I held onto the grief with everything I had because, in my ten-year-old head, that's ALL I had. If I "felt" the grief, then that meant that my love for him was real and if I let that grief go, how would I "feel" him anymore? I'd have nothing.

The sadness took over my heart and clouded my head. When his memory began to fade, I blacked out all memories of him but held on to the pain. I remember things we did as a family, and me walking beside him, but I cannot "see" him. I've tried so many different ways to remember his face, his voice, ANYTHING, but all I see is him in the casket. I remember driving to the cememtery, although I have no memory of the actual grave or burial service.

It took years of therapy to finally heal my little ten-year-old's broken heart. But when I did (and don't get me wrong, the loss was a permanent scar) that little ten-year-old began to thrive, and laugh again, and realize there was NO WAY it was her fault. I hope this will happen for you. You and your inner thirteen year old deserve happiness.

my dad died when i was 10 too. i also felt what u described about the greif being all u had to hold on to, about how if u were grieving it proved ur love for him. i went thru all of that. its been 17 years now. i still deal with guilt about his death.