[NoIdeaWhatToDo]

I been looking around this board for a couple of days, and I realize it doesn't move very fast. But wondering all the same how others experience their loss over time.

My father died when I was 15 - 19 years ago this month. Next year will be 20, and will mark the point in my next older sibling's life when he's been gone for as much of my sibling's life as he was alive - that was a big one for me several years ago.

Anyway, I don't feel like I have very many 'genuine' memories of my father, and it hurts me. Most of my memories revolve around either pictures I've seen over and over or stories we've told as a family. I can't remember without thinking really hard what color his eyes were. Even now, I need to go look at a picture to remember that. I can't remember his voice. Other than when he was entertaining guests, I can't really remember any conversations or anything, except for one right before he died that was really painful to me. He and I were much closer than I was with my mom, but I can't remember that anymore...I don't feel it. And it's been this way for a very long time now...feels like even since his death.

I shut down for a long time afterwards. Did some group grief counseling at school, and then some individual counseling after awhile. It wasn't until this past year, though, that I finally got through to feeling how angry I am with him over his death and realizing how big an impact it had on the way I live my life. I'm not sure I've ever really gone through all the stages of grief, though - sometimes it feels like I'm still stuck somewhere in them...angry, depressed, bargaining. I accept that he's dead, but still don't accept that there's nothing that can be done about death sometimes. So it stays fresh in my mind and experience, despite the fact that I feel like I don't even really remember HIM anymore.

Anyone else experience anything like this?

[Travelinglady]

I can understand that. It has been a long time ago--and there is still that gap in our lives that really only our father could fill. My dad died 17 years ago, and I miss having him around.

However, I was much older when he died, so I do remember more about him.

[michellerb]

Thank you for sharing NoIdeaWhatToDo. This is exactly how i feel. I lost my dad, and I just want you to know you aren't alone. It has been 26 years for me, and I'm still stuck in the grieving process. I am trying to work past it in therapy, but it isn't as easy as you would expect. Thank you again.

[Violet Blue]

I think - at least for me - grief replaced love.

I was afraid (still am) to let go and find peace. What would I have?

To me (my dad died a month after I turned 10) if I experienced happiness, I must not have loved him. Grief meant love. If I felt the emotional and physical pain of his loss - I was still feeling him. At least that's how my kid head thought.

I spent a considerable amount of my life wrapped up in grief. Not just for him, but other family members as well. I didn't know anything else. I didn't know how to hold onto the love.

[sideblinded]

I can relate to all of your losses. I too lost my a dad at age 10. He didn't die but he just left and never returned home and I never saw him again. I also spent a good part of my life grief stricken. I eventually got a little better but his absence took a toll on my emotions toward men. I was so young.

I also lost my mom to lung cancer in 1998. I was 40 and I still miss her. Even though she and I had our problems, I think about her a lot especially during holidays and on her birthday and my birthday and on the anniversary that she died.

Having a brother who disowned me, I have no family at all. I do not have children and without family, life is so much harder. I feel grief so much of the time. I am trying to find things to take the place of a family but so far nothing comes close.

I wish you the best,

SB

MDD
ADHD
GAD

Originally Posted by NoIdeaWhatToDo

I been looking around this board for a couple of days, and I realize it doesn't move very fast. But wondering all the same how others experience their loss over time.

My father died when I was 15 - 19 years ago this month. Next year will be 20, and will mark the point in my next older sibling's life when he's been gone for as much of my sibling's life as he was alive - that was a big one for me several years ago.

Anyway, I don't feel like I have very many 'genuine' memories of my father, and it hurts me. Most of my memories revolve around either pictures I've seen over and over or stories we've told as a family. I can't remember without thinking really hard what color his eyes were. Even now, I need to go look at a picture to remember that. I can't remember his voice. Other than when he was entertaining guests, I can't really remember any conversations or anything, except for one right before he died that was really painful to me. He and I were much closer than I was with my mom, but I can't remember that anymore...I don't feel it. And it's been this way for a very long time now...feels like even since his death.

I shut down for a long time afterwards. Did some group grief counseling at school, and then some individual counseling after awhile. It wasn't until this past year, though, that I finally got through to feeling how angry I am with him over his death and realizing how big an impact it had on the way I live my life. I'm not sure I've ever really gone through all the stages of grief, though - sometimes it feels like I'm still stuck somewhere in them...angry, depressed, bargaining. I accept that he's dead, but still don't accept that there's nothing that can be done about death sometimes. So it stays fresh in my mind and experience, despite the fact that I feel like I don't even really remember HIM anymore.

Anyone else experience anything like this?

Both of my parents have been gone for around 25 years now. I'm in my mid 60's. I remember them, but I don't think about them much, & I don't feel any particular sadness with regard to their passing. A few years ago, I shredded every family photo & old newspaper clipping I had. (I didn't want them to end up laying on some dusty shelf in someone's "antique" shop some day.) I was an only child. So now it's just my wife & me. And I'm content to have it that way. I guess I'm odd in that way. But I do also think, as time passes, so does sadness. I wish you all the best in finding the peace you seek.

[gma45]

Skeezeyks I can relate to what you did with your old family photos. My mom passed about 10 years ago and my dad just a few years ago. I have memories of them but they are not in my thoughts daily. I am in my mid-fifties and I have the task of going through their old pictures and decided when I do I will just save a few because most of them are of their friends that when I am gone my kids will not know who most of the people are. Why keep them? They meant something to my parents but they are gone, so they will not enjoy them and the old photos have no meaning to anyone else. And I am like you I don't want them sitting in an antique store somewhere for sale. That just would not seem right. I struggled with this for a long time trying to decide what to do. Now I know.