how to deal with it? does someone know something...?

Hi people,
Few months ago one of my best friends killed himself. We spoke almost everyday, I helped him earlier few times when he had bad mood... mood for suicide. On the end I had lot of problems and chaos at home and with my life and I couldn't be always for him, still we spoke everyday. When I went to Italy and had no Internet he decided to ed his life. My last memories? We spoke almost 2 hours on the phone laughing and making jokes. After couple of months i could finally go to hist tomb and say goodbye. But suddenly I realized I never believed he is not with us anymore. I would love to hear it's a cruel joke and it's not true.
I didn't know he is so important for me and I can not live without him... I miss him and talk to him and somehow it's totally abstract that I lost him... everything is so hard... every si gleich muscle is in pain and I want him back so badly that I can not breath...
We weren't a couple. We loved each other just as a friends. But he was best friend and I can not find myself without him...
Does someone know how to deal with it...? Please... I really miss him... feel myself like without air...

You seem to be going thru the normal grief process. There is no time limit on grief. Do seek professional help if you feel like something is not right. Also, know it was not your fault and there is nothing you could have done to prevent it. Here is an article on this site about grief:

The 5 Stages of Loss and Grief | Psych Central

I hope you can remember the good times and learn to smile when you think of your friend.

Hi Bulinka So saddened to hear you are experiencing such a loss. I went thru a similar experience years ago when my best friend did the same.... It was very dramatic for me and it took me about three years to finally come to terms with her death. All I can say is time does help eventually Thinking of you.

Thank you both. It's hard for me because I couldn't be at his funeral. And after his death i dream sometimes about his suicide. That we talk and then he kills himself on my eyes and I'm not able to do anything. Last time I'm very nervous and can't stop thinking about him.
I really hope finally it gets better... and also that I feel guilty somehow will disappear. I feel like I could do more to help him...

I had dreams and was constantly thinking about my friend as well. Then it just stopped. It took several years like I mentioned. It is very difficult to accept. I truly hope your grieving process does not take this long.

Bulinka, since you missed his funeral maybe it would help if you had some sort of event/ceremony/ritual (I can't find the right word) that would allow you to say good-bye?

As difficult as what you are experiencing is, it doesn't sound uncommon.

I went to his tomb. Said goodbye. It took me long time to convince myself that I should go back to the car where my parents were waiting for me. I could stay there for hours. It helped for sure. Became real. Don't know what ceremony/ritual I could do. Right now I'm very happy because I found his photo. And I'm praying for him because it helps to calm down a bit. But the anger that he left me is there and is big. Need just time probably.
Will love him and miss him whole my life.

Time and happy memories will help you heal