My best friend

She walked in front of a train just over two years ago.

I thought I was ok at first, but the guilt has been nagging at me in a chronic way ever since. I feel like a hypocrite, because I have had many talks with her sister, who was devastated, telling her how her sister would her to live her life and be happy and not dwell on the sadness, but yet that's what I keep finding myself doing time and time again, just out of the blue for no reason, and it doesn't seem to be fading with time.

My husband doesn't understand because he never really knew her. There's really no one to talk to that understands what she meant to me. We met when we were 12 years old. We were in middle school together and then both got reassigned to the "special school" for kids with "emotional disorders" lol.

It would take me a month to type out everything we had been through together, maybe even longer than that.

The reason I have the guilt is because I had an old-school nervous breakdown after the death of my daughter's father in 2003 and I pretty much cut myself off from everyone, including her. We didn't speak for years. When we did re-connect, I had moved out of the country, so we only spoke over the phone. When I moved back to the states, I met my husband almost right away, got married by ourselves at the courthouse very quickly, then had a baby. It all happened very fast, and I was focused on my new family. I was back in the states, but still in another state, so it was a bit of a drive to her house, but I thought there was plenty of time.

Plenty of time to go visit, plenty of time time once I got settled into my new home with my new husband. Plenty of time once I had the baby. Plenty of time once the baby was done nursing. Plenty of time, until there was no more time.

My therapist tells me that it's not my fault and of course I know that technically she is correct, but the unfortunate thing is that no matter how many times people tell me that, there will always be the knowledge in my heart that if I had seen her face-to-face just once, I would have known something wasn't right. Whether or not I would have been able to change the trajectory of the final outcome is a complete unknown, but I will carry with me the knowledge that I had the chance to see her face at least one last time and I missed out.

I am sorry that you have to live with this pain and these constant thoughts. I know there is nothing I can do to change your mind. I have a friend who killed herself too. we used to always talk about sui together. I went through a time where life was good and I was anxiety free and things were great and I no longer wanted to die and things were wonderful and I so wanted to share my newfound joy with her so she could experience it too and I could give her the hope I had, but I kept putting it off and off and off and off. then I finally tried to contact her and couldn't get ahold of her. then I found out she killed herself. and I had to live with that guilt of "if I had only contacted her sooner and given her the hope I had, she may not have done it." but I know how much pain she was in and there is nothing I could have done to save her. I may have prolonged it. I don't know. I think once someone has decided there is nothing we can do. seeing her, you may have felt more guilty because you weren't able to stop her. we never know. use this as a motivator to treasure the relationships you have in your life today. keep in touch with those you love. take care.