Grieving is my first time how do you grieve in your own way?

Hello, I have never been in this forum before. I just got the news from my volunteer manager earlier this afternoon that my dear friend passed away as his daughter called to tell her what happen. We don't know the details yet he (friend) was running late to go volunteer. I left him a note in the bookstore on Thursday afternoon letting him know how things are and that I'd see him later. I was hoping he would be there today to read my note as he enjoys all of my notes I would leave him on his timesheet.

This is the 1st time ever someone died that I was closed to. When I was 5, I went with my dad to AL for his mom's funeral - a woman that I didn't know, glad I didn't, feel sorry for my sisters who knew her. Dad's mom was an alcoholic and a ***** (found out she was prostituting long ago according to her aunts and the guy who paid her is a racist probably dead now) as she is the reason why my dad is such an evil narcissist! Funny, he hated her and cried like a big baby at her funeral. She mistreated my sisters who hated you and my 2nd oldest sister still has nothing nice to say as she told me what happen in the 70s when dad's mom was living with them.

Anyway, she was an "alcoholic narc" who meant nothing to me, but this friend means a lot to me. The man is almost 80 yrs old, a wonderful man who is very positive, makes me laugh, and enjoys life always gave me a good spirit on life. It was hard for me to talk to him when I first started volunteering at the library's bookstore (my boyfriend also knows him) last Spring, but time went on and it became easier. I am usually cautious when people want to speak to me because I was always told that I don't get close to people which there are reasons for that.

Dark times in my life; this friend really had me to open up and smile always giving me praises, hugs, and spirit about what I have in mind. I told him I have applied to another position at another college full time hoping I will get the job but they haven't called the candidates yet and he told me my time will be shining soon. He is like a dad/grandfather I never had better than my own "dad." He is more positive not a narc like "my dad" and sees the good in a lot of things and isn't a nasty person like my "parents are." His words were so soothing and positive gave me more hope in my life than any other person (besides boyfriend) and his wisdom is such rich unlike most older adults I've spoken to who know nothing (don't care how old they are) based on what they either told growing up or listen to other fools out there then try to pass on "their false wisdom" to me.

So, how does one grieve their own way? I will go to the funeral if it will be allowed by his children, but I don't have personal time off as I am part time but I know my boss would let me go. Anyway, just thought I'd share that I am hurting. It's bad enough a few weeks ago a guy I know from high school who is in the Army wanted to be with me saying he is in love with me yet tried to break up my relationship with my boyfriend and boyfriend and I are trying to repair/rebuild our relationship and now a death has also happen!

we each learn the hard way, by Doing.... i hope you find yourself Able~

Ladytiger, sorry to hear of your loss.