Death of estranged parent

A few days ago, my estranged father died. He left when I was still a baby, and apart from a very brief parental reconciliation, I never knew him as a child.

When I was 18 he wrote asking for me to get in touch - I have two older sisters, one of whom had spent some time with him in her teens, so it was confusing as to why he had singled me out. I knew him least, and for the most part, had always known only one parent in my life.

Eventually, my sisters got back in touch when they had children of their own. One became close, and the other maintained a more guarded relationship.

In my early 20's, I saw him a couple of times when he visited the others, but he always seemed to try to buy affection and offered nothing by way of explanation or apology. I maintained my distance, and on some occasions, I was quite hostile.

I only seen him another few times after this - at my grandparents 60th Wedding Anniversary and the funerals of each of his parents (my grandmother's funeral was only a few months ago). I was civil, but no more than this.

Both sisters are grieving his loss, one of them is in complete devastation and for the first time in my adult life, this has made me feel distant from her. I don't have a relationship with my other sister, but that is an entirely different issue!

My father's health has been deteriorating for around a year - I could see he was dying the last time I saw him in fact, he looked dreadful. He was admitted to intensive care in the days before his death, and we heard there was very little time.

Initially, I felt nothing. I was detached as though this was a friend's relative, and quickly jumped into support mode for my sister and her children. At around 9:30pm on the night he died, I envisaged him dying in his hospital bed and told him I forgave him and hoped he was at peace. He died 5 minutes after this, which sent chills down my spine.

Again though, I initially felt nothing except terrible anguish that I do not live close enough to my sister to be able to support her - she was breaking her heart over the phone and I so needed to hug her

In the days since, I simply haven't been able to get a grip of how I am feeling. Much of the time I feel very distanced from it all, and then I get occasional feelings of regret that I did not offer an olive branch when I saw him last, only 4 months ago. Deep down, I knew he was dying!

It has also made me feel excluded from my family and so alone! My mother has been consoling the sister who lives nearby, and I have tried to console the other - but I know how much she wanted me to reconcile with our father, so it is difficult.

On top of this, it is looking likely that I will have to drive my mum, sister (the one I don't speak to) and one of my nephews down for the funeral. Financial restraints and train timetables rule out rail travel, and I am the only confident driver.

I don't intend to attend the funeral however, it just wouldn't be appropriate. At the moment, that seems fine, but the way my emotions keep changing, I may find not attending very difficult. I know my attendance would upset my uncle, my aunts I think would be very pragmatic. Also, I don't think my father's widow would look on it too kindly either. So I am likely to be spending the time of the funeral and the wake sitting alone in my car in a strange location, miles away from home. This I am not looking forward to.

So you see, I am confused and my head is all over the place. It is hard enough to sort out your emotions when someone you had a relationship with dies, but this is so much more complex. I imagined, when the time came, I would feel nothing. Now however, my emotions change from hour to hour - sometimes apathetic, sometimes distraught and I can't understand the latter!

What you are feeling is very normal for an estranged parent-child relationship when the parent dies. I mean, could you imagine how he would feel right now if the tables were flipped? I am also estranged from my mom and I sometimes think about how I would react to her death. If I would feel guilty, distraught, apathetic, or somewhere in between all of those emotions. Your sister does not hold it against you for not reconciling with your father, because no matter how close someone comes to death, you can't just snap your fingers and patch up a relationship like everything is fine and dandy - that's just not the reality of the situation.
The important thing to remember is that you said you forgave him in his last moments. That's better than arriving at the hospital 20 minutes too late and not being able to say anything.

so very sorry

Thanks for your response. It's difficult to say the least. I sent a few of my aunts a simple message today - just letting them know that I am thinking of them. I got no response! That has crippled me. They had accepted me as part of the family despite the estrangement between me and my dad, in fact, they said they understood as they knew how difficult he could be.

Their lack of response makes me think they now feel they would be dishonouring their brother by acknowledging me. I hope I am wrong, but it isn't looking good.

I've had a good cry tonight, but I'm not sure what I was crying for. There is certainly some guilt and regret that I didn't make things right last time I saw him. There is also a feeling of abandonment by some family members.

I just don't know how to move forward from here

JaneMc, sorry for your loss. It is hard to lose someone and hard to not express your feelings to them before they die.
Sometimes crying is just grief expressing itself.

Sometimes I feel the tragedy of other people and what they go through.

If you feel the burden is too heavy, you may consider a therapist or grieving support group. If you feel devastated and unable to cope with life then a psychiatrist could try medicine to get you back to a point of coping.
Please feel free to keep in touch through P.C. here again. Many people are compassionate and share your grief.

It's very possible your aunts have no clue you are also suffering and took your note as a consolation message. In any case, I'm very sorry you're going through this. I have a very poor relationship with my mother and I am just dreading going through this too. I hope the day of the funeral offers its own answers to you, and that you'll get through this without too much pain and confusion and disruption. Sending you lots of caring hugs.

Angelique with old parents have the dread of them dying and just no way to prepare. I feel your pain

Especially since I half hate her and only partly love her. It wasn't really difficult at all with my father, but my mother will be different, I'm very afraid.

Angelique, it is hard to face the death of a loved one, but is especially difficult when there are unresolved issues. Somewhere I read how other people mirror qualities we have within ourselves and we are either repelled or attracted depending on the terms we are on with our own inner self.

Anyway, if at all possible a meeting or phone call or a letter might help YOU feel better knowing you at least tried to make peace. It is better to try and fail if it is not going to compromise your financial security or mental stability than to just not bother and have guilt and regret later on in my opinion.

Sharing at PC has helped me. Hope to hear from you again.

Now the travel arrangements are all sorted, my emotions are coming to the surface. I find it so strange that I am grieving for someone who was absent for most of my life - throughout my adult life this has been MY choice. This is something I have thought about over many years - how would I feel if he died? I never thought it would affect me.

It has been exactly a week since he died, and I would say 80% of the time I am unaffected, but the 20% can be pretty intense and often catches me by surprise.

As I have done so many times before, when struggling to put things straight in my own head, I decided to write out my thoughts in verse. Here is the result of tonight's emotional rollercoaster

Whisper

The phone was ringing, bringing news
Like whispers in the air.
My dad lay dying, miles away
And I would not be there.

Attempts at reconciliation
I'd ignored and turned away.
Too many years, or stubbornness
It's hard for me to say.

And now to late, I knew it
I lay and thought of you
Pictured on your final bed
Nothing I could do.

So I sent, by thought, my message
Like a whisper in your ear
I wished peace, sent forgiveness
And hoped that you would hear.

You left five minutes later
Your new journey had begun
The news now filtered down the line
With tears and faces glum.
My emotions all confuse me now
I shunned you for so long
Sometimes all is normal
Then I realise you're gone.

I won’t pretend that we were close
Or that I knew you well.
But you were part of my creation
Even though we didn’t gel.

After years of separation
The rift time wouldn't mend
I know you tried to solve this
I simply wouldn't bend.

And now I often wonder
Why, last time I saw you,
And I saw how poorly you were
I didn't try hard too.

I should have put the past aside
Shake your hand, bring you near.
Now truly hope you heard my last
Whisper in your ear.

I do call her every week more or less. It's not so much about projection but her abusiveness. Still painful after all these years.

It is hard to receive abusive behavior from someone who is supposed to be a nurturer. The older parents get the more the seem to revert to their old habits, some good and many irritating or hurtful. No easy fix on that.
It helps me to see that parent as having an illness where they cannot control their own behavior. The saddest part for me is that those who need loving kindness the most tend to drive it away with their grating behaviors.
Sometimes music helps me. The way we were brings up other times with happier memories and also those not so happy. It seems we can't totally get away from the pains.

Barbara Streisand's version requires a box of tissues nearby.

I'm worse now too. The thing is I forgave her long, long ago. But now as the years approach and I'm so afraid she'll be going, my bad feelings are amplified. I went through this before with the death of my best friend who was sick for a long time before he died. The only thing I can do is just try to be a good daughter and ignore everything that makes me crazy and upset. I don't know what else to do.

The decision about funeral attendance was difficult enough, and I still don't think I could win either way.

Tonight, my sister was talking about floral tributes. She wants "DAD" spelled out in flowers, which I have offered to help her pay for as she is struggling financially. My other sister will probably also want to add her name to these, which leaves me with another no-win situation. Should I add or omit my own name?

If I add it, it would seem a little hypocritical as I shunned contact with him. On the other hand, it will be just as obvious if my name is omitted and will perhaps send the wrong message (i.e. I still bear ill feelings).

Any suggestions? It is difficult enough, but sometimes the seemingly meaningless things can just add so much more pressure when you least need it.

This is such an incredibly sad poem that I want to cry. It reminds me of all the things I wish I had done but didn't. Releasing him can help a grieving person. I have heard that like your whisper, every act of releasing helps the other person as well even if they are not hear. Better to whisper and let ourselves be at peace.

Thanks for sharing.

Aw, Candc - I hope my poem didn't stir up unwanted questions with you. This was certainly not my intention in posting it. I just thought it would give a view of how I am feeling, as I can often express myself better this way

JaneMc, I too write poems when I am struggling. It helps me work through things. You are not stirring up unwanted questions but I do feel there is a disconnect that starts when we are kids, and continues in school and at work, and later we are left to try to put all the puzzle pieces together.
I am sad for the plight of people in general, nothing specific. Thanks for your concern.

Well, my sister opted for a different floral tribute (although needed me to make the final selection and order for her - she's not coping!). As I needed to contact the funeral director anyway to ask about arrangements for flower delivery, I explained a little of my situation and asked if they would print a copy of my poem and place it in dad's pocket before his coffin is sealed. They very kindly agreed.

I thought this would be a way of saying my own personal goodbye without risking further upset with some relatives.

In my opinion, the way you feel is pretty normal in this type of situation. I think part of the confusion comes from the fact that you wanted to have a normal relationship with your parent but couldn't, by his choice, then he comes around later and wants all to act like everything is and was normal. As long as he was living there was always an expectation of time to reconcile when and if you felt you could. Now that chance is gone, and I'm sure you have regrets. But, what purpose do regrets serve? None. You did what you had to do at the time and beating yourself up won't help anything. Try to remember the good times and forget the bad if you can.

Forgot to add: Your poem expresses your feelings very well.

Your poem is beautiful.