![]() |
FAQ/Help |
Calendar |
Search |
#26
|
|||
|
|||
![]() ![]() ![]() |
![]() usehername
|
#27
|
||||
|
||||
I'm so sorry for your loss.
Take it minute by minute for now. My mom passed away Nov 26th so I feel your pain. You are in my thoughts & prayers. |
![]() usehername
|
#28
|
||||
|
||||
Update: my mother's toxicology came back. Now we wait until Sunday for the Dr to review it and determine cause of death. That will give us some closure, I guess... My friends and everyone else have all gone on with their lives and I'm still here, sedated to the point of sleeping all day... It's easier than facing a world without my mother, though. I don't know how she was so strong all the time. No matter what, she always went to work... Granted, we have very different jobs... She worked in a warehouse, I'm a cna. I just don't feel like I'm ok to go back to taking care of others right now. I'm doing a lot of it at home already. Idk what else to say... It's hard to go on when you don't want to. I just want my mom back... Or to go with her
__________________
My labels: Bipolar 1 w/ psychosis PTSD GAD SAD ADHD Current meds: 1500mg divalproex sodium 3mg alprazolam 0.5 mg triazolam PRN assorted non psych meds. ![]() |
#29
|
|||
|
|||
Quote:
I'm sure you've heard this before, but with time it does get easier. The first year after her death I could barely function and lost a lot of weight. It was one of the most difficult times of my life. Give it time and cry all you need to. ![]() |
![]() usehername
|
#30
|
||||
|
||||
My mother suffered a lifetime battle with depression, and I'm glad she's no longer suffering... But the last two years of her life were the happiest I'd ever seen her. It seemed like everything was finally starting to go right for her. And then she was gone. I had so many plans with her, we all did... When she was little, my grandmother went to Disneyland without her. I thought that was terribly selfish, so I was going to make it right. She was saving her vacation up for summer to go with me and my daughter. Now, we're spending her vacation pay on rent. It just feels wrong. I don't think I have the will to go on without her... I understand what she did that night completely. I wish I could go with her, but all these people she left behind need me. She will never be able to see me get married someday, she doesn't get to see her new grandbaby, she won't get to see my sister or brother get married, she won't get to see his kids, she won't get to see all his cool navy achievements... She won't get to see me or my sister graduate college... These are the things she lived for. All I can think is how hollow it all feels without her. She was the center of everything, and she was all we had. My brother lost his father in 99 to a cold. A COLD. On Halloween. My father was a heroin addict who beat her and is presumed dead, I haven't seen him in 30 years, he's made no effort to see me. My sister's father is unfit to be a father and my sister is preparing to take the child living with him in with her. Our grandmother is in a home with advanced dementia, our grandfather is a child molester - needless to say, he's not around... There is no one left.
__________________
My labels: Bipolar 1 w/ psychosis PTSD GAD SAD ADHD Current meds: 1500mg divalproex sodium 3mg alprazolam 0.5 mg triazolam PRN assorted non psych meds. ![]() |
#31
|
|||
|
|||
Quote:
![]() |
#32
|
||||
|
||||
When I was 9 years old, I found my mother dead.
I came home from school. Usually, she would be sitting on the couch or at the table, but that day I found her in bed. I walked in her room closer to her, and I saw her pale face and her blue lips. I walked out and I was in shock and denial. I thought she was too young. I never would imagine her passing away. The moment I really knew that something was wrong is whenever the phone ringed and she never answered. I didn't know what to do. I stayed ther for almost 2 hours alone until my brothers arrived. They were freaking out and that's the moment I realized that she was dead. One of my brothers shook me and yelled, "What did you do!?" I ran out of the house outside in the cold because I was scared. I didn't want to see my mom dead again. My aunt found me and put me in a car. My sister-in-laws dad asked if I was alright and I hugged him (I didn't even know him). My cousin came and she took me for a ride until everything settled down. My dad passed away when I was 17. I'm 19 now. Life is few of cruel surprises. ![]()
__________________
Rx: Wellbutrin XL 300mg for depression and Trazodone as needed for insomnia |
![]() *Laurie*, jaynedough
|
![]() usehername
|
#33
|
||||
|
||||
Butterfly power, I'm so sorry for your loss... Thank you for sharing with me. How did you recover? That must've been so traumatic...
__________________
My labels: Bipolar 1 w/ psychosis PTSD GAD SAD ADHD Current meds: 1500mg divalproex sodium 3mg alprazolam 0.5 mg triazolam PRN assorted non psych meds. ![]() |
![]() butterflypower
|
![]() butterflypower
|
#34
|
||||
|
||||
I think no body truly recovers.
I try to keep myself busy and surround myself with positive people because when I'm alone it makes me depressed. I'm the type of person who keeps my feelings to myself. I think it's why I have a mental illness because I pretended to be strong for so long and genetics. Every now and then I cry because of memories. I remember how happy and outgoing I was before they passed.
__________________
Rx: Wellbutrin XL 300mg for depression and Trazodone as needed for insomnia |
#35
|
||||
|
||||
It hurts so bad I can't breathe and I know it's never going away... I keep reliving that day. I've never been closer to anyone than I was too her and I don't think I ever can be that close to anyone ever... I don't think that kind of closeness is possible with just anyone. She was my best friend... We used to joke that we were like a married couple. I don't know how to go on without her, but I know I don't want to. I can't think of anything to look forward to that won't feel empty in her absence... I feel like I'm dying inside.
__________________
My labels: Bipolar 1 w/ psychosis PTSD GAD SAD ADHD Current meds: 1500mg divalproex sodium 3mg alprazolam 0.5 mg triazolam PRN assorted non psych meds. ![]() |
![]() butterflypower, jaynedough
|
#36
|
|||
|
|||
usehername, I am so, so sorry for your traumatic loss. Please know that you are not alone.
|
![]() usehername
|
#37
|
||||
|
||||
Thank you all for your compassionate replies... It helps to know there's somebody out there listening. I get so lonely without her.
__________________
My labels: Bipolar 1 w/ psychosis PTSD GAD SAD ADHD Current meds: 1500mg divalproex sodium 3mg alprazolam 0.5 mg triazolam PRN assorted non psych meds. ![]() |
#38
|
||||
|
||||
Update: we still have no cause of death, the ME is still looking into it... I'm still holding down the fort, although between my own issues and trying to care for my disabled child all alone, things are pretty rough. When the death certificate is final, we will all inherit her life insurance policy, and I plan to use my portion to buy a couple vending machines so I'll have an income that doesn't require me to be in a particular place at a particular time, since my loyalties are with my daughter... As many times as I've been suddenly called to pick up my daughter from school, I'd have been fired by now for missing shifts... Not to mention I'd pretty much need a nanny in order to go back to work. Right now, we are living off of her 401k, and I'm praying I can make it last... I feel guilty for spending her money... Like I don't deserve it... It was supposed to be her retirement money. I wish I could've at least kept it for my own retirement, but I guess we all have to pay the cards we're dealt... I'm lost without her in so many ways, working being an important one... She was the only other person trained in my daughter's care, and that took years. We often worked opposite shifts to care for her. Now it's just me. And nobody can help. I still cry for her daily, and still wonder how I'll ever live without her... I'd give anything to have her back, thigh I suppose that goes without saying... My birthday was yesterday... The first one I've ever had without her getting me a cake, taking my daughter shopping for a gift for me and throwing me a little party. It was a rather rough day. Today isn't any easier... It doesn't help that we STILL don't know why she was taken from us, and can't piece together the events of her last night. I'm still doing my best to care for my brother and sister, with help from the navy in my brother's case. I see his desperate posts on Facebook when he has bad days, but he won't really talk to me. We've always had a strange relationship since he's 14 years younger than me. My sister is now a single mother, another one of many in my family... My grandmother divorced when my mom was little, my mother didn't marry until my brother's dad, and I never married either. We have no one left but my uncle and his wife and things are strained with him since he's never really been a big part of our lives. I'm trying to convince my sister right now - as I type - to at least try to include him in her life. For my brother and me, it's just weird, but he was openly mean to her on at least a few occasions. I'm struggling to keep my little family together the way my mother did, but she left big shoes... I still can't get the image of her lifeless body out of my head, and often find myself crying in public. I think that going back to work as a cna (my job) would be a threat to my mental health right now. Too straining... Idk what to do. I miss her terribly, she was half my heart... I'm doing my best to just get closer to my daughter. And on top of all this, my "boyfriend" has not been around. Screw him, I suppose... He skimmed over our two year anniversary, Valentine's day and my birthday. The next time I see him, I will tell him he makes a great friend, but I can't be anything more to him, since he clearly doesn't want me to be. I'm tired of being ignored, not taken seriously... He makes no effort to keep me in his life, and my mother told me I deserve better. I will carry all of her advice with me for the rest of my life... I guess that's all I can do.
__________________
My labels: Bipolar 1 w/ psychosis PTSD GAD SAD ADHD Current meds: 1500mg divalproex sodium 3mg alprazolam 0.5 mg triazolam PRN assorted non psych meds. ![]() |
![]() cashart10, jaynedough, Pikku Myy, violet66
|
#39
|
||||
|
||||
Quote:
![]() |
#40
|
||||
|
||||
Prayers are greatly appreciated, especially since my mother was supporting me and my child and I have no idea what I'm going to do without her. I appreciate your condolences... Thank you.
I can't really work because I have nobody to care for my disabled child, and wouldn't make enough to pay someone to, or even put a dent in our bills... I am afraid to return to healthcare because of the flashbacks I'm sure it'll cause (especially CPR) and a general jealousy of the elderly... I know it isn't their fault and of course they still deserve care, but my mother had one wrinkle. She never got to grow old and it isn't fair. I don't really know what to do about anything... I'm supposed to be going to school for respiratory therapy, but the whole not breathing thing is really scaring me after finding out that my mother was clearly not breathing repeatedly throughout that night. I just don't get how somebody can be perfectly fine one minute and then dead the next. She had taken her night meds, which included klonopin, had a few drinks, and a few days before had taken small amounts of her xanax. She was on sertraline, they said they found a rather large amount in her blood, but they don't think that's what killed her. They have no idea... It's so very frustrating to not know how this happened, what happened to her... I have so many questions, and so many things I wish I could ask her. The first would be how she was feeling that night... I wish I could've done something to save her, but in all the scenarios I've gone through in my head, there wouldn't have been anything anyone could've done. She obviously stopped breathing over and over and over and was likely unconscious for whatever reason (not breathing, perhaps). Maybe it was just her time? They ruled out her heart, prematurely, I think... She had a left bundle branch block - her only health problem, and asymptomatic at the time. That causes a lowered pulse rate when it does something. Perhaps her heart rate went down so far that she stopped getting oxygen to get brain? I think if somebody had been able to save her, she would've been in some sort of vegetative state, not really alive... I don't know. And I may never know.
__________________
My labels: Bipolar 1 w/ psychosis PTSD GAD SAD ADHD Current meds: 1500mg divalproex sodium 3mg alprazolam 0.5 mg triazolam PRN assorted non psych meds. ![]() |
![]() jaynedough
|
#41
|
||||
|
||||
1. Quick thank you too all who have been there for me through this... I love you all and don't know what I'd do without you.
2. Her cause of death was made official today. It is listed as "undetermined". This only brings more questions... We still have no idea why our loving mother was abruptly taken from us. It makes no sense because she was young and healthy. She took good care of herself... She exercised, ate salads every day, took all her vitamins, etc. It makes no sense. All I can tell myself is that some higher power somewhere must have needed her particular brand of selfless love and compassion. She truly was a wonderful woman, and she is sincerely missed by almost everyone who knew her. The other people are just generally bad people. I hope wherever she is, she is finally happy. She deserves it. She suffered from massive depression for many years. At least she is no longer suffering.
__________________
My labels: Bipolar 1 w/ psychosis PTSD GAD SAD ADHD Current meds: 1500mg divalproex sodium 3mg alprazolam 0.5 mg triazolam PRN assorted non psych meds. ![]() |
![]() Anonymous100180, Blue_Bird, jaynedough
|
Reply |
|