Had to give up my baby boy

When I returned from residential treatment, I felt so good and I was so happy to be back with both my dogs, my border collie and service dog Astro, and my great dane and at home service dog Blue.

Unfortunately, even though I did well for like 3 months, my depression and PTSD and agoraphobia started to get worse and worse, to the point where I couldn't take care of them both. It was so bad that I had to make the decision to move across the country to be nearer to family so they could be closer for support.

In the end,I had to find a new home for my baby Blue. I found him a wonderful new home. A lovely family with two young girls, big home, big yard, active family, and another dog that he immediately took to playing with.

I am very happy for him. But the grief I feel at this loss is like a shroud wrapped so tightly around my body that I can't breathe. Blue was attached at my hip. He did so many things to mitigate my disabilities, that I didn't even realize he had trained himself to do until he was gone and was trying to do things for myself.

My heart feels like it's surrounded by tightly wrapped rubber bands that will barely allow it to expand and contract.

What's worse...in my therapy I had done a lot of visualizations of happy memories and places for grounding techniques, and of course, those memories all involved Blue.

I honestly feel like I'm learning to live life all over again. It's hard for me to remember how I got a long before Blue was in my life. But then again, before Blue, my conditions weren't this bad.

I've heard all the typical, time will heal, ********, etc. What I really need is for someone to validate what a heartbreaking loss this has been for me. I am so dismayed by the idea that when I die, he won't be there, because he'll be with his new family. And that is devastating, it's like a the after effects of a nuclear bomb, where nothing will grow again.

I've contemplated Si and even, sadly, suicide (but not seriously) just to stop this torturous pain. I just wish someone could understand and validate that I'm not stupid or silly for feeling so strongly about this.

Thank you all,

Seesaw

Seesaw, your post made me cry. I am still grieving the loss of my beloved mini-schnauzer. I lost him to illness almost 2 years ago. I feel silly because it has been so long but I will never be able to replace him. I understand your pain. I am in pain with you. You would be surprised to know how many dog lovers are on this site. My dog was my child and I understand your pain. I had to put down my best friend and it just crushed me. I am so sorry, seesaw. You are not silly at all. I am still crying so I know. I wish you solace and peace. I am so sorry. ((hugs))

Seesaw. You are not alone in how you feel. You did the kindest, but hardest thing ever, out of love & respect for your baby boy Blue. I lost my baby girl on New Years eve and I know exactly how much you are hurting. Every minute of every day. Your feeling of tightness and pain - I also feel that. It hurts like nothing else we have felt. My heart goes out to you, but you did a truly special thing. Take comfort for yourself, if you possibly can, in your decision. Take care of you. You did a very courageous and unselfish thing for Blue, because you love him. Xxx

Thank you for so much for sharing your stories. It helps to know that I'm not being crazy iin feeling this overwhelming sadness.

Seesaw

I am so, so sorry. I cannot even imagine how much pain you must be in from having to give up your precious boy.

I live in constant fear that my time with my precious Amy isn't forever. She's almost 11 now and I can't imagine my life without her. I try very hard just to enjoy her NOW and not worry about the future. I really felt for you. You are not being silly. I am happy that you were able to find Blue (lovely name) a new home. You did the very best you could for him. I wish you well.

Some people don't realize pets are our kids . I have a bird I care for very much. I may yell at it sometimes but its my baby. You did the best thing for your baby.

(((((Seesaw)))))

I'm so sorry . The complete accepting and non-judgemental way that pets love you is like nothing else. Losing a pet is very sad. and I imagine that the way that Blue was tied in to your mental health makes the grief even more intense.

I'm not saying this for no reason. Your are not stupid or silly for feeling the way you do. Please grieve for who ever long you need to. It seems like your in some sort of slow shock?

Despite the pain, you know he's with a loving family AND you have your memories, pictures, etc. Nothing can take that away It's better to have met and known him than to never of known him at all.