[mcl6136]

Hi all,

I've never posted here though I am a long-time poster on the therapy threads, and MI issues for a long time.

Now, however, I'm grieving the ending of a friendship. I realize that this is dwarfed by the deaths of loved ones, which I've also sustained just this year.

But this one has me really bogging down. I feel like there's nowhere I can take this grief in a social acceptable manner, no destination for the grief I'm feeling about the ending of a friendship.

Chris and I were really close girlfriends -- I felt like she knew and accepted me on a lot of levels, kind of like a sister. We did a lot of outdoor activities together and she helped me with craft projects and things that I don't typically do with that many others. AND THEN....she has a sewing guild that attracts a lot of people and she is the leader of the group, which she rules with an iron hand. It's weird to see another side of someone who is much more compassionate on a one-on-one basis. I felt very withdrawn within this group, as if I was watching a car accident as it became inevitable. Chris's bullying and imperial attitudes in the group were cause for concern for most of the other members, but she was hosting at her house and nobody dared questioned her edicts and directives. Until I did. I stood up for someone else in the group and then the s*^^**t melted down. Chris turned her back on me and although I made three attempts, one in writing, to halt the damage to our friendship, she is clearly "over me." I apologized, told her how much our friendship meant, and then wrote a note saying that I would back off and respect her privacy -- which triggered another harsh communication from her, again in writing.

I realize our friendship is shot. But the grief has been long-term and has affected my day-to-day functioning. I blame myself for not anticipating this kind of hostility from her because I witnessed it with others. She is a bridge burner, and I just can't stand having someone out there ....hating on me.

Thoughts?

Is this kind of grief......"real"?

[Little Lulu]

Your friend isn't out there 'hating on you'. She is feeling bad about herself because of this part of herself she knows to be true but probably doesn't like any better than anyone else does AND she knows you saw it. You've done what you could to make amends and now your job is to allow the grief to exist until it runs it's course (that is always the part I don't like.) If you need support in this process, then maybe some counseling would be helpful.

One thing that helps me is the idea of 'praying for your enemies.' When I do that regularly with a relationship I am struggling with, it really does help. Because I've usually at a point where I am feeling negative, I pray to see the good in someone and always works. I think it can even mend relationships that seemed permanently broken.

[Cat_Lover_58]

I lost 2 friends this past year. I was the one who had to get out. It was becoming too much for me. The one had all kinds of time for other things but not me. The one who I've known for years just continued to push my being on disability. I sent them both emails...the one is not local so that worked. The one defended herself...I get that part. But we've known each other for a long time and an "I'm sorry" might have helped. So I'm now making new friends at work and in some genealogy/family history groups. Try to look at it like now this opens up your time to make some new, healthier friends.

[nonightowl]

I think a loss of this kind is still loss, also a type of "death" in itself.

I've had similar experiences: One so-called friend stopped talking to me, then out of the blue just called. My "gut" said to not return her call, but I did---wanting to give it another chance. (I ended up getting burned yet again) We USED to be good friends. Things were okay for about a year, then she disappeared again.

When I tried to contact her, she just kept saying she's "just been busy." BULL! If she a REAL friend, she'd MAKE time for me. But she was "busy". I decided **** her. I'm better off without any friends than a phony one or one who is a "friend" when it's convenient for her, like when she wants something.

I heard from her when she was unemployed, then when she got a job, she didn't have time for me. I don't mean run of the mill busy, like anyone can be. She couldn't/wouldn't give me literally a MINUTE of her time. What kind of a friend is that? How about just a 10 minute conversation to catch up? Or an e-mail?

I'll probably hear from her again in a few years, acting like nothing happened. And I won't reply this time. For all she knows, I could be out on the street now. I mean, she never contacted me again, so how does she know?

Last year, a woman in this support group I was attending approached me after the meeting. She literally ran after me, asking if I'm okay.

It seems like there was potential for friendship there, as she said how she lives near me, etc. She invited me to her house almost right away, and she said stuff like how I could also visit her kitty as well as her.

Then, after a few months, she stopped returning my phone calls and e-mails. At first I thought something happened, but now this year is almost over. I'm sure it's on purpose, since this has happened before (with the above mentioned *****).

A "red flag" went up to me about her when I met her, though I couldn't put my finger on why. Now I know.....She also once mentioned something about talking to someone she thought she had a connection with, but it turned out not to be.

A "red flag" went up again. (I wish I had paid attention to it) In hindsight, she probably did the same thing to this person she did to me. Just dropped me like that.

I'm always on the lookout for new friends, even though it seems I always get burned or abandoned. There's only 2 friends around now, but one is not close. The other is so far away, both physically (another state) and mentally (as he is depressed). They are both men.

I know this is a blanket statement, but it seems women do this kind of thing way more often. (At least in my world) It's like a woman will pretend she's your friend, but men don't usually. If they don't like you, you know it. I say a woman will stab you in the back, but a man will stab you in the front. By that I mean they are more straightforward or genuine, generally.

In light of all this, I say I'm better off without either of them. Neither of these women are "friends" and never were, not really.

Still, I grieved both of these losses, even though I didn't lose "much" so to speak. I know it's trite, but they lost MORE by abandoning ME. They could have a good friend and person in their lives, but they blew me off. So **** them both.

I could make "better" enemies.

[littleowl2006]

Originally Posted by mcl6136

Hi all,

I've never posted here though I am a long-time poster on the therapy threads, and MI issues for a long time.

Now, however, I'm grieving the ending of a friendship. I realize that this is dwarfed by the deaths of loved ones, which I've also sustained just this year.

But this one has me really bogging down. I feel like there's nowhere I can take this grief in a social acceptable manner, no destination for the grief I'm feeling about the ending of a friendship.

Chris and I were really close girlfriends -- I felt like she knew and accepted me on a lot of levels, kind of like a sister. We did a lot of outdoor activities together and she helped me with craft projects and things that I don't typically do with that many others. AND THEN....she has a sewing guild that attracts a lot of people and she is the leader of the group, which she rules with an iron hand. It's weird to see another side of someone who is much more compassionate on a one-on-one basis. I felt very withdrawn within this group, as if I was watching a car accident as it became inevitable. Chris's bullying and imperial attitudes in the group were cause for concern for most of the other members, but she was hosting at her house and nobody dared questioned her edicts and directives. Until I did. I stood up for someone else in the group and then the s*^^**t melted down. Chris turned her back on me and although I made three attempts, one in writing, to halt the damage to our friendship, she is clearly "over me." I apologized, told her how much our friendship meant, and then wrote a note saying that I would back off and respect her privacy -- which triggered another harsh communication from her, again in writing.

I realize our friendship is shot. But the grief has been long-term and has affected my day-to-day functioning. I blame myself for not anticipating this kind of hostility from her because I witnessed it with others. She is a bridge burner, and I just can't stand having someone out there ....hating on me.

Thoughts?

Is this kind of grief......"real"?

I think it is normal to grieve and feel bad about this. I am sorry that you are hurting, but I admire your integrity. I have been in a couple of situations very similar to what you described, and it takes a lot of gut to stand up if you know a friend is acting mean. If she is the person who deserves your friendship, she will see her mistake and come around.
It is sad to lose someone who is good company, but on the other hand we risk being hurt if we let people like her come too close into our comfort zone. I also have a "friend" who can be very compassionate and understanding, but on the other hand she acts manipulative, condescending and selfish (I have known her for almost 20 years now). So I keep my distance and don't rely on her anymore.

[Macao]

Originally Posted by mcl6136

Hi all,

I've never posted here though I am a long-time poster on the therapy threads, and MI issues for a long time.

Now, however, I'm grieving the ending of a friendship. I realize that this is dwarfed by the deaths of loved ones, which I've also sustained just this year.

But this one has me really bogging down. I feel like there's nowhere I can take this grief in a social acceptable manner, no destination for the grief I'm feeling about the ending of a friendship.

Chris and I were really close girlfriends -- I felt like she knew and accepted me on a lot of levels, kind of like a sister. We did a lot of outdoor activities together and she helped me with craft projects and things that I don't typically do with that many others. AND THEN....she has a sewing guild that attracts a lot of people and she is the leader of the group, which she rules with an iron hand. It's weird to see another side of someone who is much more compassionate on a one-on-one basis. I felt very withdrawn within this group, as if I was watching a car accident as it became inevitable. Chris's bullying and imperial attitudes in the group were cause for concern for most of the other members, but she was hosting at her house and nobody dared questioned her edicts and directives. Until I did. I stood up for someone else in the group and then the s*^^**t melted down. Chris turned her back on me and although I made three attempts, one in writing, to halt the damage to our friendship, she is clearly "over me." I apologized, told her how much our friendship meant, and then wrote a note saying that I would back off and respect her privacy -- which triggered another harsh communication from her, again in writing.

I realize our friendship is shot. But the grief has been long-term and has affected my day-to-day functioning. I blame myself for not anticipating this kind of hostility from her because I witnessed it with others. She is a bridge burner, and I just can't stand having someone out there ....hating on me.

Thoughts?

Is this kind of grief......"real"?

It is grief and it is usually so painful I also lost a boyfriend and a best friend it stings when I see how harsh he is towards me it's sort of difficult to see that happen as we really never thought such a day would come that our closest friends won't care what they do that hurts us