How to help grieving husband while grieving myself?

Hi...

Ever since my husband and I got together, our lives have been unraveled by tragedy after tragedy. First, the loss of my grandmother who was the closest thing i had to a mother growing up. Then my husband's father passed away after a disturbing accident at home that for weeks was believed to have been suicide, but was ultimately deemed to have been accidental after the coroner made their report. Recovering from these losses in the midst of other dramas and hardships that arose from these situations, we finally had a good year and were preparing to purchase our first home, got married at last after postponing each time a tragedy struck, and things were finally looking up. Then around Christmas time last year, my husband's brother came to live with us while going through a bad breakup. After only a month of living with us, he committed suicide.

My husband has always been a romantic, a writer, a Christian who genuinely pursued goodness both in his own psyche and encouraging it within others. But ever since his brother passed, he has become angry like I have never seen him before. I understand why. His brother's actions were incredibly selfish (he has a 12 year old daughter, was the last other sibling available to help care for their mother, etc) and his anger is justified. But it has been six months now, and his anger is only getting worse. He's not sleeping. He's lashing out our pets (two cats and a dog). He's become obstinate, unyielding, bossy, and irritable nearly all the time. I have encouraged him to seek counseling, but he has refused. I've encouraged him to use sleep aids, and while those do help him get to sleep, they have made no improvement in his propensity to awake at the slightest noise. It's become so bad that I dread bed time, because no matter how hard I try to jump up and deal with noises throughout the night (mostly pet-related), I just am not the light sleeper he is and my attempts only result in illogical fights in the middle of the night and crying all morning trying to get ready for work. Not being able to sleep has impacted my ability to do my job well, and really, it makes me dread being home with him at all. But if I try to keep myself busy and give him space, he becomes offended and the cycle only intensifies.

All the while I am struggling myself. Not only am I grieving my own loss, and the loss of his brother who was a dear friend to me as well (and who wouldn't be traumatized by a suicide taking place within their household?), but I left my whole life and family and friends behind in another state to be here with him. I try to make time to visit, but he uses the money on things to keep himself busy like painting our house and buying furniture when all I really want is a little money to see my family. But because he is putting so much work into the house, he gets angry at me for being ungrateful. The only close family I have in the world is my dad (who is now completely alone going through a divorce from my step-mom) and my brother who is away in the military and who we owe money to for assisting with purchasing the house, but rather than paying him back, my husband spent all our savings to fly a friend from another state to come visit. I want him to have what he needs to heal, but I feel like my needs are completely outside the scope of his understanding---which I have to emphasize is incredibly out of character!!! He has always been incredibly attentive, loving, helpful, and would bend over backwards to make sure I'm happy.

I keep hoping that if I just wait it out, things will get better. But after 6 months, it is only getting worse. I dread being home. I dread getting out of bed in the morning. I work as much as I possibly can trying to make money to help with the above issues, and to distance myself from home, but it only makes matters worse to leave him at home alone with my pets. He has not harmed them, but I'm not sure how long it'll be before he does. I never ever in a million years thought I would be entertaining these fears, and yet here I am.

I've been told by people I love to leave and go back home to my dad. The idea is appealing, but I feel like it would be abandoning him when he needs me most. But I'm out of ideas on how to help him, and my own pain is becoming unbearable.

So I guess my whole reason for being here is to ask this--
What helped you overcome the anger associated with loss such as this?
What can I be doing differently? I think I'm so close to the situation that I'm blind to other options. I've been giving space, adapting, accommodating, but that is only opening the door to more problems. What is the appropriate course of action here? Would it be wise for me to leave and give him space to heal? I know the man I love is still in there, I see glimpses sometimes, but I have no idea how to coax him back out. What can I do to work on myself and make myself better capable to handle this? Or how can I communicate my needs in such a way that does not come off as an attack on his needs?

Any advice or even just encouragement would be incredibly appreciated.

Thank you in advance!