How to help grieving husband while grieving myself?

Hi...

Ever since my husband and I got together, our lives have been unraveled by tragedy after tragedy. First, the loss of my grandmother who was the closest thing i had to a mother growing up. Then my husband's father passed away after a disturbing accident at home that for weeks was believed to have been suicide, but was ultimately deemed to have been accidental after the coroner made their report. Recovering from these losses in the midst of other dramas and hardships that arose from these situations, we finally had a good year and were preparing to purchase our first home, got married at last after postponing each time a tragedy struck, and things were finally looking up. Then around Christmas time last year, my husband's brother came to live with us while going through a bad breakup. After only a month of living with us, he committed suicide.

My husband has always been a romantic, a writer, a Christian who genuinely pursued goodness both in his own psyche and encouraging it within others. But ever since his brother passed, he has become angry like I have never seen him before. I understand why. His brother's actions were incredibly selfish (he has a 12 year old daughter, was the last other sibling available to help care for their mother, etc) and his anger is justified. But it has been six months now, and his anger is only getting worse. He's not sleeping. He's lashing out our pets (two cats and a dog). He's become obstinate, unyielding, bossy, and irritable nearly all the time. I have encouraged him to seek counseling, but he has refused. I've encouraged him to use sleep aids, and while those do help him get to sleep, they have made no improvement in his propensity to awake at the slightest noise. It's become so bad that I dread bed time, because no matter how hard I try to jump up and deal with noises throughout the night (mostly pet-related), I just am not the light sleeper he is and my attempts only result in illogical fights in the middle of the night and crying all morning trying to get ready for work. Not being able to sleep has impacted my ability to do my job well, and really, it makes me dread being home with him at all. But if I try to keep myself busy and give him space, he becomes offended and the cycle only intensifies.

All the while I am struggling myself. Not only am I grieving my own loss, and the loss of his brother who was a dear friend to me as well (and who wouldn't be traumatized by a suicide taking place within their household?), but I left my whole life and family and friends behind in another state to be here with him. I try to make time to visit, but he uses the money on things to keep himself busy like painting our house and buying furniture when all I really want is a little money to see my family. But because he is putting so much work into the house, he gets angry at me for being ungrateful. The only close family I have in the world is my dad (who is now completely alone going through a divorce from my step-mom) and my brother who is away in the military and who we owe money to for assisting with purchasing the house, but rather than paying him back, my husband spent all our savings to fly a friend from another state to come visit. I want him to have what he needs to heal, but I feel like my needs are completely outside the scope of his understanding---which I have to emphasize is incredibly out of character!!! He has always been incredibly attentive, loving, helpful, and would bend over backwards to make sure I'm happy.

I keep hoping that if I just wait it out, things will get better. But after 6 months, it is only getting worse. I dread being home. I dread getting out of bed in the morning. I work as much as I possibly can trying to make money to help with the above issues, and to distance myself from home, but it only makes matters worse to leave him at home alone with my pets. He has not harmed them, but I'm not sure how long it'll be before he does. I never ever in a million years thought I would be entertaining these fears, and yet here I am.

I've been told by people I love to leave and go back home to my dad. The idea is appealing, but I feel like it would be abandoning him when he needs me most. But I'm out of ideas on how to help him, and my own pain is becoming unbearable.

So I guess my whole reason for being here is to ask this--
What helped you overcome the anger associated with loss such as this?
What can I be doing differently? I think I'm so close to the situation that I'm blind to other options. I've been giving space, adapting, accommodating, but that is only opening the door to more problems. What is the appropriate course of action here? Would it be wise for me to leave and give him space to heal? I know the man I love is still in there, I see glimpses sometimes, but I have no idea how to coax him back out. What can I do to work on myself and make myself better capable to handle this? Or how can I communicate my needs in such a way that does not come off as an attack on his needs?

Any advice or even just encouragement would be incredibly appreciated.

Thank you in advance!

You need to attend to your needs...I think a visit to your family/Dad is a great idea. You need a break.

When you return I think you two need couples counseling to open the lines of communication up and also to help you both through the grieving process.

My condolences to both of you. Take care of yourself. xo

The reason I haven't visited yet is because I can't afford to... In all logical theory, I /should/ be able to, but as I mentioned, my husband has been draining our bank account and making it impossible. :/
Thank you for your kind words! <3

Hello treevoice: I'm so sorry you & your husband find yourselves in this most difficult situation. I certainly agree with rainyday107's reply. However, from what you wrote, it sounds as though your hubby has already refused to consider therapy. So I presume he would be unwilling to participate in couples counseling either. Assuming this is the case, then some individual therapy for yourself may well be needed, assuming you're not already doing this. It is certainly possible that you're unconsciously doing some things that are making matters worse rather than better. Talking things through with a therapist might help you to clarify if & how this is happening.

From what you wrote, it sounds as though your husband is mad at the world & is taking it out on you & your pets. Some of his anger is probably justified. But, I know from personal experience, anger can-&-does take on a life of its own after a while. That's kind-of where I'm at, at this point I'm afraid. I struggle with a lot of anger as well. I have to say that I don't know as there is anything more you can do here. It's sounds like you're really trying & not only is nothing working, but it's just making matters worse. I take it your husband is not employed outside of the home. This certainly makes the whole situation even more complicated because that means, even though he may be doing a lot around the house, he's still alone with his thoughts much of the time. And they just keep churning away 24 / 7.

All of that said, I'm afraid that my perspective is you're taking on too much responsibility for this. There is a sense in which this becomes a matter of boundaries. Up to now you've basically gone without any, or at least with minimal ones, & allowed your husband's anger to freely invade your personal space, so to speak. It's time for you to decide what you are & are not willing to tolerate & to begin to enforce those boundaries. This is where seeing therapist yourself may be helpful as far as figuring out what your boundaries are & how to enforce them. California therapist, Kati Morton, has some videos on her YouTube channel where she talks about establishing & enforcing boundaries & also dealing with difficult people. Watching some of Kati's videos on these subject might be helpful for you.

My personal perspective is that those of us who struggle with mental health issues have to realize those around us have their limits. It's up to us to do what has to be done to ensure that we do not push family & friends beyond what they can tolerate (unless we're willing to accept the consequences.) And if we do not, or cannot, then those around us, family & friends, must do what they have to do to take care of themselves... boundaries again... Reading your post, it is my impression this is where you're at... I wish you both well...

Thank you for your insight, as always, Skeezyks!

I certainly have a lot of my own issues to deal with, and I am sure I could be handling this better and could change behaviors that are exacerbating the problems. (I am working on some self-help and have been receiving counseling, with the hope of eventually getting into therapy). He does work outside the home, but he works in construction so his schedule is a bit unpredictable (and does result in him sitting home a lot), and when he is working, it's rough on his back and joints. I feel very strongly that if he'd just see a doctor to get proper medication for his sleeping issues, see a therapist for the anger, or even find a less physically demanding job, things could improve significantly. But it's like talking to a brick wall and pushing the issues only make for outbursts.

I think you're right that really all I can do is work on myself, my boundaries, etc. I've made it abundantly clear that I am ready and willing to do whatever it takes to help him, but I can't force him to accept my help. And it's probably not healthy that I am bending to accommodate his moods rather than holding my ground and maintaining emotional autonomy--and why should he change if I am accepting of his anger? I don't mean to enable, but it's so precarious. I wish we could take space to be introspective and heal a little on our own, but it's just not an option given our current financial situation. In all honestly, I would not put up with this kind of anger under ordinary circumstances. But I know the person he was (I hope still is), and the circumstances that made him this way, and I'm not ready to give up hope. But something definitely needs to change.

Thank you for your kind words! I know there's no easy answer to this, but it's comforting to bounce thoughts around. <3

I am not very literate in my responses sweetie. There is no word to describe grief. You are doing what you can. Be you

Do you think he would be open to joining here? It would give him an anonymous, safe, always available outlet to use.

i have not suggested this site specifically, but have suggested finding an online support group. This may or may not be an accurate diagnosis, but I get the feeling that he is trying to work through this on his own and *really* doesn't like being told what to do, even if it is only intended to be loving suggestions.

You may be right. Although less common now than a generation or two ago, many men feel that they should be able to handle whatever life throws at them on their own. I wonder if he is unknowingly doing all this work on your house as a distraction, to give himself a break from thinking about his brother.

Welcome to Psych Central! I'm so sorry to hear about your losses. Anger and keeping busy are two normal ways men handle grief. That said, you might need some breaks from your husband. At least try to get out from home some--to a mall to shop or to just sit and rest, to the movies, etc.

Men don't tend to want to talk about their grief or write about their grief like women do. How about you checking out a counselor? Going to see one does not mean that someone is emotionally imbalanced or whatever. And often "regular" people do not know how to listen to someone who is grieving and wants to talk or they even say the wrong things.