This was suggested...

Hello, it was suggested to me by a worker of the state that I join a grief support or post here after telling her about this site.

I lost my husband...nearly a month ago...due to a sudden heart attack (widow maker). I was informed by a cop, and since then all I do is go back and forth between ok, and crying my eyes out.
He was coming home from work, the very first day of work after a seasonal lay off, and r ight after finishing his job, he was on his way home, pulled over on the wrong side of the road, where he reclined the seat back and simply passed away. He only felt chest tightness through outt he day, but he most likely thought it was just a pulled muscle. He never complained about any symptoms of a heart attack. I just thought he was working hard, didn't dawn on me that something would happen...
I got to go see him that night, and I didn't want to believe it was my husband laying there. Buried him the following Monday after his cremation. I had to be the one to inform both sides of the family of his passing, and I'll never living down his mothers reaction, I can still hear her screaming and it's been nearly a month.

I'm being told constantly that I'm healing, that I'm strong, even being told that I'm going to be mad at him and God for letting this happen. I can't even bring myself to be mad at the officials for breaking a window to get him out of the truck, how could I possibly be mad at my husband for dying when he didn't even know and couldn't stop it?
It's like I'm being told I'm going to grieve in this particular way. Since he died I've had this emotional pain in my chest, not physical at all, never physical. I'm told it's what a broken heart feels like. I feel like I have so much to do, that I dont' have enough time in a day to do it.
All I have left is his posessions, our daughter, and a little urn full of his ashes.
I can't even bring myself to officially say I'm widowed. Or even single. I just say I've lost my husband, and if people pry I tend to cry and say he's dead and that I'm just not ready to say I'm not married no more.

I'm sorry this is so long...I tend to rant and rave when I get going. Thank you for...reading? Dear me.

I am very sorry for your loss.

There is nothing harder than the grief you're going through. I am so, so sorry for your loss.

I strongly suggest you join a support group. For a free one, check out NAMI. But a group specifically for grief would be really helpful, I think.

Sanosukeskitten, I am sorry for the sudden loss of your husband. The reactions of the families sounds difficult too. We all grieve in different ways when we are able to grieve. Sometimes grieving is delayed until we get over the shock of the changes. It is okay to grieve in your own way. When people grieve, some people cry and some do not. Some join support groups and have a therapist and others work things out in their own way. It is all okay however you grieve.

Thank you all. I'm honestly scared to move out and live with family, because itmakes it even more final. I'm scared in general because I'm not sure I can give our daughter the love, affection and eveyrthing she needs that she's had with two parents from just one mother.
I'm not sure I can be both mom and dad, and it scares me. She's had mommy and daddy since day one, and all of a sudden all she's had is mommy.
I find his things, I use them, wear them, put them up in memory of him, but to me it's not enough. I want him back although I know I can't have him back. I feel like I'm being greedy, selfish. I want his remains to come back together. I want those ashes to turn back into bone, flesh, blood and muscle. I want all 405 lbs back of him. I want to see that smile, those blue eyes, that laugh. I want to take him back from heaven (or where it is that you believe in) and keep him for myself.

It was just too sudden of a loss...I dont' think I fully understand this myself.

Oh that sounds so difficult. Sorry to hear how much this weighs on you. Yes moving out does take you away from the memories but also from the triggers that keep hurting you. It is not an easy answer. Hope you find the support you are looking for here.