[Know One]

My mother died in December, just before Christmas, from Alzheimer's Dementia. She was a very abusive, violent woman. I'll spare other members the gory details.

Despite that, as she was dying, I held her hand, talked to her, bathed her, read to her, for the 12 hours it took for her to find peace. I only stopped to use the bathroom and have a banana and some coffee.

As time has gone by since her death I've realized that I loved her despite it all. More and more I sob, endure sleepless nights, depressing days.

It is only my sister and me now. She lives halfway across the country. Everyone else is dead. We are only in our 50's.

I am in such despair tonight. I cannot stop crying.

Just wanted to talk about it a bit.

I apologize if the formatting is messed up. Something is whacked with my software.

[Skeezyks]

I'm approaching 70 now. Both of my parents have been gone now for many years. And in fact, since I grew up as an only child with an elderly extended family, every family member I ever knew has now been gone for many years. I am married. But we have no children & I'm a pretty thoroughly reclusive old goat. So no friends or even acquaintances of any consequence... by choice. (It works for me. But I don't recommend it for others.)

I'm sorry you are experiencing so much grief over your loss and I hope that, in some way, you will be able to find a path to deep abiding peace within. Here are links to some articles, from PsychCentral's archives, on the subject of coping with grief & loss:

https://psychcentral.com/grief/

https://psychcentral.com/blog/11-kin...grieve-a-loss/

https://psychcentral.com/lib/on-grie...-coping/?all=1

https://blogs.psychcentral.com/succe...ng-with-grief/

https://psychcentral.com/blog/respon...ing-with-loss/

https://psychcentral.com/blog/health...avigate-grief/

I would also like to share with you my personal preference for coping with difficult emotions. It is a practice referred to as compassionate abiding. Compassionate abiding is a technique that comes out of the Buddhist tradition. However, here's a link to a mental-health-oriented description of the practice:

https://mindsetdoc.wordpress.com/201...e-abiding-101/

My best wishes to you...

[Know One]

Skeez,

My sister is a Shin Buddhist, so I'm okay with that. In fact, we have a niche in the Nokotsudo at her temple for our ashes.

I'm not feeling well after being up all night. Please forgive me for this brief post.

Thank you so much for your help. I would love to hear the Buddhist beliefs. I've not shared my deep grief with my sister as she has her own burdens. I don't want to add to them.

[Colorado1940]

Originally Posted by Know One

My mother died in December, just before Christmas, from Alzheimer's Dementia. She was a very abusive, violent woman. I'll spare other members the gory details.

Despite that, as she was dying, I held her hand, talked to her, bathed her, read to her, for the 12 hours it took for her to find peace. I only stopped to use the bathroom and have a banana and some coffee.

As time has gone by since her death I've realized that I loved her despite it all. More and more I sob, endure sleepless nights, depressing days.

It is only my sister and me now. She lives halfway across the country. Everyone else is dead. We are only in our 50's.

I am in such despair tonight. I cannot stop crying.

Just wanted to talk about it a bit.

I apologize if the formatting is messed up. Something is whacked with my software.

I hope you are doing well. I recently lost my father, and understand the grief. Hugs!