Grief over unmet needs

I just finished reading a book about narcissistic mothers, and how there is a feeling of grief over not getting needs met, having a nurturing mother. I've been there. It's real. I hope ones of you dealing with this kind of grief will find peace and ways to meet your unmet needs as an adult.

And here's another hug, in friendship:

Can you share the name of the book ?

Sure. I'll get it and return in a bit. Okay, it's called Will I Ever Be Good Enough? Healing the Daughters of Narcissistic Mothers by Karyl McBride, Ph.D. What's extra nice about the book is that Dr. McBride, now a therapist, is the daughter of a narcissistic mother. She talks a bit about the sons of such mothers--but they seem to not get the butt of the mother's personality disorder.

Thank you dear.

I don't know if mine was narcissistic or not, but she wasn't warm at all. If I had known she would be that way and I could have chosen a mother, sadly it would not have been her. Horrible but honest.

Even as an adult I've never gotten my emotional needs met. The "friends" I make have turned out not to be what I thought and I don't even know who's safe to confide in anymore.

Until I found this forum, I didn't know what I experienced had a NAME and that others experienced it. It validates and vindicates me. It wasn't me all along, it was HER. My dad wasn't much better. Months in therapy about it.

It's been years and I've also thought of lost opportunities, lost chances for something better, etc.

And after we see role models on TV like June Lockhart as Timmy's mother and then the mother of the Robinson children, it makes the longing even worse.

Narcissism is just one reason why a parent doesn't meet a child's needs. The parent might be a workaholic, a non-functioning alcoholic, too physically sick, and on and on. So, good point, owl.

I feel sad when I see items in catalogs with messages on them such as "To a wonderful daughter." Of course, I never got anything like that.

Yeah I used to watch that. Also Leave it to Beaver, Brady Bunch, The Waltons, Happy Days, and The Partridge Family. And they all had warm moms you could confide in and be yourself with. I used to watch these things partly to fantasize about that kind of life.

I watch Blue Bloods, in which every episode there's a scene of Sunday dinner with the whole family: 4 generations at one table and everyone can be open about things without repercussions. I never had that.

Emotions were taboo in my family, meaning the negative ones. Even happy ones were to be kept "restrained", no jumping up and down and screaming in joy---not even at a sports game.

Me either---not directly. I got cards with it printed on them, but they NEVER said it outloud. NO "I love you" and she only hugged me twice in my life, once when I was around 4 and again around 10. My dad didn't hug me at all.

If I really mattered to them, they wouldn't have given my a--hole "brother" the upper hand regarding their living trust and such. I didn't even know the document existed but of course HE had a copy. I'm scared to even try calling any lawyer cause I'm afraid they'll say they can't help me or it's too late. There's a deadline. Things were done behind my back and kept secret.

Yes, these commercials and stuff are very triggering. Artificial fantasy of what a parent-child relationship is or is supposed to be. But people say "Just ignore it". Talking out of their ***.

I last visited my parents' resting place in 2020 during lockdowns, no traffic. If they were alive, the language I used alone would have killed them. Told them they really betrayed me and let me down. That they ]sucked in ways they probably can't imagine, as they thought they could do no wrong and other parents were incompetent.

I have been reading a lot about narcissism and my mom fits the profile to a T.Undiagnosed of course. She has a golden child,invisible or forgotten child and the scapegoat. She actively encouraged the golden child to call me names and hurl insults at me.Mine was classic narcissistic household, complete with a lot of flying monkeys whom my parents groomed and lovebombed.That was a horrific scenario to grow up in.I thought I was the only one,an unlucky child to be born in that dysfunction. After googling about it online and then coming to this forum,now I know there are others too.My heart goes out to all of you.Hugs.

I like your username as I feel I'm mending or trying to mend my soul. What do you mean by "flying monkeys"? It must be a slang expression or something I don't know, that's used in this context. I know you don't mean the kind in Wizard of Oz.

Flying monkeys, the word is taken I believe, from the wizard of oz. These are the people who believe the narcissist is a nice person,sometimes they do the narcissist 's bidding,or just ignore the evil doings and gain benefit from the narc.These can be friends, coworkers or relatives of the narcissist. They are groomed by the narcs by being extra nice and extra generous. The flying monkeys benefit from the narcissist, so kind of owe them.

I've been dealing with this lately. I am sure my mother is a narcissist, untreated, of course. She has all the traits. I was definitely the scapegoat. I live far away and have not seen her in a long time.


Now she has worsening dementia and it's been giving me weird feelings. Basically, I feel like she is already dead to me. I have a flying monkey aunt pressure me to visit, but I decided I'm not going. I don't know what purpose it would serve. I don't think she even wants to see me and it's not like there is any possibility of getting closure. I decided I won't go the the funeral either. That is going to hit the rest of my family hard, but I have to do what is best for me.

Thanks for the book recommendation. I am going to see if I can get it as an eBook. I'm sorry that many others are dealing with similar situations.

Moving out far away was the best decision I have ever made.I still shake and shudder when I get a call from them .I have anxiety if I needed to call them.My calls are now few and far between.

I recently decided to stop all contact with the dementia ridden narcissist, which was only infrequent Zoom calls arranged by my sister. It was just not worth it continuing the charade that we ever really had a relationship. I have very low contact with my siblings and father.

I live on a different continent. I first moved across the country, but my sister followed me. That increased the parental visits to unbearable levels. So, here I am, very far away.

I've cut my ties with my only so-called sibling. We've been estranged many, many years. TWICE I reached out to try to mend things but am met with just hostility and indifference. So much for "family". I think it better for me to do this, unless he makes some GRAND gesture I don't see him doing or even thinking of doing.

US culture thinks family is so sacred and you're supposed to put up with any kind of crap because they are "family." Well not all families are Hallmark cards/movies, that's for sure. Especially mine.

Not going to pretend there's a relationship or that blood IS thicker than water. What BS.

I feel like my sibling is already dead to me and has been for years! It's worse than if he were ACTUALLY dead. Estrangement is the worst. I always tell people I have no family or they're all dead. He might as well be dead, as I am to him.

On another note, I have an acquaintance with worsening dementia. She's just a shell of the person she used to be. I know she can't help it but it's not great to be around her anymore. I know she can't help it but I still find it unbearable at times. It's a type of LOSS, loss of that person. I started losing her years ago. She's ALIVE but not her anymore.

It may sound terrible, but I admit part of me would not want to see her even if she were not consistently hostile towards me. In the Zoom calls I no longer participate in, she didn't seem to be doing very well. The idea that I might have gotten her crappy dementia genes is really scaring me since her diagnosis. So, It think seeing her in that condition would be pretty traumatic for me.

I feel the same way. Part of me doesn't want to see her again. But since I get a tiny bit of money from her daughter for "babysitting" her mom, I'll do it as long as I can. She'd be offended if she knew. And she's got such a chip on her shoulder most of the time. But her dog is adorable so she's a redeeming factor since I love dogs and her dog seems to love me too.

Certainly hope I don't have any dementia genes. I don't even know if either of my parents had it, as they were so tight-lipped about everything medical or "deep" like emotions they feel. So distant..... Unless the symptoms are so severe and obvious (like suddenly being mean), one may not know someone has dementia.

The idea itself that I am a part of them ie genetically, scares me.One thing is for sure that growing up I told myself I would never behave like them.They come across as very kind and nice human beings to out siders,but are very cruel in reality or at least towards me.I come across as an aloof and cold person,as I was scared of people who were very impressed by my abusers ,pretty much everyone in the small town I grew up and I stayed away from all of them.But I know I am completely opposite of my abusers. I will be focussed on not tobe like them my entire life.

A cool dog is always good, at least.

Not all dementia is genetic. I don't really get any information about type she has. My dad is the stoic type typical of his generation and doesn't share much about her progression or respond if I ask how he is doing. Her parents died relatively young, before the age where dementia is common, so I don't know if they might have developed it later. I guess it remains to see if her younger siblings start to show signs.

My sister is showing a lot of my mother's less desirable personality traits of late. It's like she's morphing into mom. It's kind of scary. I read that there a may be a connection between personality disorders and higher risk of dementia. It's being researched further. Maybe my sister has the dementia genes, if anyone. She has been acting pretty disordered lately.

My dad's family seems to live longer with fewer issues. My father is doing well for his age. My grandmother lived independently and died at 95. Over her last year and a half, she started to show more serious memory issues and strange behaviors. Before that she had been doing pretty well. I take after my dad's side a lot and her, in particular. Maybe that will help me avoid the dementia, but at the same time, I don't think I want to live THAT long.

I heard an interesting theory that we may not only inherit physical traits like height or hair color, but also emotional trauma. There was some research done on children of Holocaust survivors.

Because their parents grew up under trauma and were always focused on survival, it explained why their offspring always had a feeling of "the other shoe is going to drop" or a general feeling of unease, even though there's no logical reason for it. So they inherited that same sense of trauma. I never heard this and find it interesting. It was a short segment on a podcast of daily news briefings.

I also vowed never to be like my parents, distant and stoic about everything in life. They weren't cruel but they weren't warm either.


I know what you mean by stoic type of their generation. I believe it's the WWII generation that's typically that way? Mine were of that era.

They shared practically nothing personal, not even medical issues which is helpful to me if my own doctors ask about family history of something. (It's embarrassing to have to keep saying "I don't know") They were so tight lipped about things that right now I'm sort of paying the price of it, literally, as I try to straighten out some legal stuff. They shared NOTHING about their assets, final resting place wishes, etc. Finding out all this after they are both gone is devastating. Yet they had the nerve to berate me for not sharing anything with THEM. Well if they were more approachable, accepting, and warmer, maybe they'd have gotten more out of me.

I can relate to the part of not knowing the medical history,recently I have answered I donot know to my physician. Asked my mom about her history to which she said she doesn't remember.Coincidentally, one of my cousin knows something that I am not aware of about my mom's medical history.I feel like they are complete strangers to me.

The physical cruelty ( abuse by my mom) stopped around age 12/13.But the emotional and psychological cruelty continued.They got more and more creative as years passed by. Both my parents has a talent for shooting hateful darts in a single glance that could kill your soul.