the last year

The last year has been tough. Not going into the details or this post will be pages long. To hit the highlights.... the best boss I ever had quit and we got a Queen B as his replacement, my best friend got all weird about communicating, then she went in the hospital and died, busted my butt prepping my mom's house then selling it, the stress level at work went through the roof, I retired. Oh yeah, Covid and mass shootings.

I thought I was doing okay coping. Then there were times I was slipping bad old patterns of stuffing everything down and staying busy, busy, busy so I didn't have to deal with it.

One of my cats has not been well for awhile. He died last night. I thought this was coming, but wasn't sure. It's knocked me off my pegs. He was standoffs for most of his life, but got affectionate and cuddly a few years ago when I nursed him following surgery.

I'm not surprised I'm grieving him. That's to be expected. What's thrown me for a loop is that it's like it opened the floodgates for everything that's happened in the last year. I'm finally letting myself cry. Never cried, or to be honest let myself cry about all the other stuff. Tonight I'm sitting here with tears running down my face feeling like a tidal wave crashed over me. At the same time it's a relief to let it all out.

That’s so much.

LL

Sounds like the proverbial straw. You just kept adding on life stress points, remember those? They had a questionnaire in the 60's i think. So try and take it easy so you dont fall ill now.

First of all, I am so, so sorry for the loss of your beloved cat. Such a terribly painful kind of loss.

You've been walloped, liz.

I lost my best friend last year; we were both 58. She died very suddenly of heart failure. In good shape, health-conscious...it was such a shock. I don't think I'll ever truly "get over" it.

I'm sending you light, love, and a reminder to allow yourself to process all of it.

I'm glad you've posted here and allowed us to support you.

i'm so sorry lizardlady, you've been through a lot

Am taking today for self-care. Letting myself feel whatever I'm feeling today. Can't say it feels good, but I know it will lead to healing. I didn't let myself feel over the last year. In pert I buried myself in work, in part the hits just kept coming. I've decidea to let myself feel what I need to feel for as long as it takes.

Thanks to Boomer for opening the door for this.

That sounds like an excellent plan. : love:

I agree. Good plan.

liz, you have been through a lot. Actually, in your situation, crying is a natural and healthy thing--so load up on tissues and have at it. And be good to yourself, dear one.

Today is tough. Struggling to sort out if I'm depressed or grieving. Whichever it's not pleasant.

Way back when in grad school I wrote an essay I titled "Grief is a B@st@rd" Wish I'd kept a copy cuz that'sthat's the way I'm feeling.

I decided what I'm feeling is grief, not depression. Am down and teary, but it doesn't feel like depression. Does that make sense?

Losing Boomer last week hit me harder than I expected. We didn't have a relationship for most of his life because he lived under the bed. Then a few years ago he had to have surgery and I had to medicate him every day. He turned into an absolute snuggle bear. Sat with me on the sofa and slept with me at night. I didn't realize how close we got.

His death ripped off the scab of every loss I've had. Stuffing everything down and trying to ignore it the last year made things worse. Yeah, I know stuffing is not healthy. Knew it at the time, but still did it. Felt like I just couldn't deal with it at the time. I foolishly told myself one day of self care was enough. Yeah, I know LOL!

Oh, grief is tough. There’s no meds for that.

I'm so sorry Liz

So sorry for your loss!

@lizardlady I agree that all the grief comes out everytime we lose someone very close.

I do not realize how much I depend on someone until they are gone.

hope you find the support you are looking for.
@CANDC

Everything you listed is so powerful and painful and terribly familiar to me, as well.

I went through a 12-year stretch of losing beloved, close relatives, including my brother and my father, right in close succession. It was devastating. And the hits just kept coming; year after year, another dear relative that I adored, was gone. The list also included my beautiful girl kitty, who was a huge emotional support for me, and who I miss, to this day. I understand how you're feeling, very well.

I used to be able to modulate my tears and public displays of sorrow. But now, I am a free-range crier. I will start to well-up hearing an evocative piece of music. I cry watching the evening news, or even happy scenes, like children playing. So I can usually be seen reaching for a kleenex for the smallest reason. And yes, this last year (few years?) has (have) been atrociously stress-filled and ghastly, at times. Very worrisome, very upsetting. You are completely entitled to take as long as you need to process all of this, in your own time.

I have learned two very important things over time: Grief is incredibly powerful, but necessary, I think. It seems any loss of a close friend/ loved one can bring back the pain (and other attendant feelings) of all the other losses, almost as fresh as when you first felt them. It's rather cruel that it happens that way, as one loss at a time is painful enough. But I've heard it said that this is true, and I've found it to be so. Our brains do stash away an awful lot of memories and feelings. When the floodgates open, WOW!, look out!

I also can also confirm that grief and depression share many of the same nerve centers in the brain. Their actions on us are very similar. Using this truth, I have had some success helping people understand what depression feels like by pointing out that, for a short time at least, it feels an awful lot like the most powerful grief you've ever felt. So, you're right to have wondered where you were really at, in a psychological sense. Knowing the difference will help you move forward.

Somehow, it appears to be a necessary thing, to help us process our loss, and to begin the process of carrying on with our journey.

Wishing you peace, and resolution, for your good heart.