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#1
May 05, 2008, 12:30 AM
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I HATE that Mothers' Day is coming up because it just reminds me that you are gone. It has been 2 months on the 6th and it feels like yesterday.
I can go visit you at Dad's since your ashes are in your room, but -I need you in person. -I need you to remind me that I am going to be ok. -I need you to tell me again that you believe about my abuse even if no one else does. -I need you to advise me on what to do in regards to my current BF situation. -I need you to be here for my sisters, nieces, nephews, great-nephew and dad. -I need you to tell me that you love me again. -I miss you so very much and I just don't know how to grieve your loss as I try to view it as a vacation and you will come back. -I need to see you healthy again because the only image I have left is of when you passed in the hospital and how bad you looked. -I need a good image.....I can't get one!!! The pictures of you, don't look like you...not the you I remember. -I don't want to get married or have children since you cannot be here to experience them with me. -I need you, mommy....I really really need you.... -My heart is aching for you....it hurts, mommy....I am only 33 and should not have had to watch you battle cancer for the last 10 years. I WAS ROBBED of getting to know you better. You were only 55 and 5 months TO THE DAY! What are the odds??? I am grateful of the time I did have, but I don't think any amount of time with you would have been enough. I love you and I hope that Mothers' Day goes by quick......cuz I am having a hard time with it already.      Love your "favorite" daughter (I don't care what my sisters' say!  )BJ
__________________
"The mind is like a parachute. It doesn’t work unless it’s open."  Don’t look where you fall, but where you slipped. 
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#2
May 05, 2008, 02:00 AM
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 ,,,I read Donna this post. and she has this place of ,, less pain , heaven , and never gone . She see s shadows of her close .... Donna see s the wolf dog she put to sleep herself ,, >. And the Indian Chief that is always there . ,,, My Friend >>..,, onlymedid .,,, ,,, P M >> Me here for a phone number >> and maybe Donna say things about BF ? The bf ,, he always make ya smile . Or the children that would ask later ,, when looking at a Picture . onlymedide .............>>>..............  
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#3
May 05, 2008, 09:36 AM
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(((((((((((((( onlymedid ))))))))))))))))
 Holidays like mother's day are so hard. Personally I struggle with father's day, I allow myself to go off by myself for a little bit and cry. I'm sorry that you are having to go through this, I wish I could help.
__________________
 Friendship is born at that moment when one person says to another: "What! You, too? Thought I was the only one." C.S. Lewis visit my blog at http://gimmeice.psychcentral.net |
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#4
May 05, 2008, 12:37 PM
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Thanks ((((I_WMD and DONNA)))) for that.
True, that she is not in pain anymore and that part of it makes me feel a little better. I guess I am just feeling selfish. I want her back....the way she was....before she got sick. I can imagine her and my grandpa walking hand in hand along the beach because that was her favorite place and she didn't get to know her dad much growing up as he was always gone. Now I think they are talking and getting to know each other. The BF, he does make me smile. The one thing, that no matter that he walked out with no note, he still loves me and tells me every day. I just figured out that I am probably letting him back in because he does love me. Even though a part of me wants to tell him to go to h$ll and forget him for leaving me the way he did, I let him back because I don't think anyone could ever love me the way he does, so I will take him back....does that make sense? Thank you for being such good peeps! I really appreciate the caring! BJ
__________________
"The mind is like a parachute. It doesn’t work unless it’s open." Don’t look where you fall, but where you slipped.
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#5
May 05, 2008, 12:38 PM
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Thanks ((((gimmeice))))
I think that is a great idea, allow myself to be alone for a bit and cry if I need to. You helped, just being here and suggesting that....thank you! BJ
__________________
"The mind is like a parachute. It doesn’t work unless it’s open." Don’t look where you fall, but where you slipped.
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#6
May 05, 2008, 08:18 PM
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(((((onlymedid))))))
I feel the same way. Sunday is going to be SOOOO difficult. I just left my T, she says I need a plan for the day. I don't know what that will be yet, but I think it's good advice. I thought about honoring her in some way, but I don't know if I can because it will be so painful, yet it seems so selfish not to. I'm so confused! Do you have a plan for the day? I was thinking about maybe just meeting up with a friend and doing something un-mothers-day-like, if that makes sense. I think I really just want to avoid the whole day altogether! |
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#7
May 05, 2008, 10:06 PM
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Nope, I don't have plans, but I think that is a great idea. Maybe I will go for a walk at the local park. There is a beautiful little lake that the ducks and geese swim in.
I will talk to T tomorrow and see what else we can come up with to do. I sure hope you and I are able to get thru unscathed! ((((((((((((JustForToday)))))))))))))) BJ
__________________
"The mind is like a parachute. It doesn’t work unless it’s open." Don’t look where you fall, but where you slipped.
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#8
May 05, 2008, 11:32 PM
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BJ
__________________
Believe you can and you're halfway there.
--Theodore Roosevelt |
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#9
May 05, 2008, 11:44 PM
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 onlymedid ,,, .The sense of Missing a peep whether they be in reach or >>. mind . It never Hurts so bad when a Peep knows our moods >> and knows ,, that harsh words >> For me mean care ,, I had to Do as you probabley had to with the one who walks on the Beach >>.. and Holds Hands ,,,, With The True LOVE they had ,,, and ,,, as you see >>>> Still enjoying a life together .... But I have at times said EAT >>> and I was always sad >> when she chose otherwise . But now a new place and radiation daily for 33 days >>>>>> aaaaarrrrrrggg >. 
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#10
May 05, 2008, 11:54 PM
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Thanks ((((Clyde))))
I_WMD - You are one swell peep! The radiation is going to be tough, I will not lie to you.....but Donna is a strong peep and I know she will make it through. You and Donna will need lots of along the way, so just holler if you need some!!I know all about hollering to Eat and they don't want to. It is really hard to watch, but like with my mom, if she ate she got sick, so she wouldn't eat so she didn't get as sick. Kinda twisted, but it made sense. She didn't want to hurt from getting sick anymore. Just make sure that everything is clean, that no one comes over if they have even a sniffle and use lots of hand sanitizer!!! I bought bottles of that stuff for my mom so there was some in every room of the house! LOL BJ
__________________
"The mind is like a parachute. It doesn’t work unless it’s open." Don’t look where you fall, but where you slipped.
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#11
May 06, 2008, 12:08 AM
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eeeeeeep >>.....  once was enough with the eating thing ,,I told her some days back ,,, that she best eat and get strong for this radiation ,... She has started her calorie journal again . Oh ,,, !!!! But I can tell ya a funny story . Here goes : Cancer Doctor peep she had an appointment with ... I went ,,, and I gave him a wink >> LOL >>> then said >> " Should we tell her the rare side effects from radiation ?? " He said >> Ya mean the 1 breast that grows in the middle of the back ??? LOL. Without skipping a beat ,, I said " Ya Doc ,, I always wondered why there was the only one grew in these cases ,??? " Donna piped in and said >> WELL Just cut that one off too . LOL >>. 
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#12
May 06, 2008, 12:20 AM
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That was a really funny story! I needed that!
 I hope that she can keep up the eating. It is so important to keep up energy to fight this yucky fight! I know, what is her FAVORITE food? My mom loved those Bon Bon ice cream things so we made sure that there were about 3 containers in the freezer at all times! LOL
__________________
"The mind is like a parachute. It doesn’t work unless it’s open." Don’t look where you fall, but where you slipped.
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#13
May 09, 2008, 09:01 PM
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onlymedid ,,,>>. . Just Wanted to ,,, Hope Y O U Find some place that helps in solace .
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#14
May 09, 2008, 09:21 PM
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I WMD
Cute story.  I am sending prayers and strength for your mom!!!
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Dance as though no one is watching you.... Love as if you have never been hurt before, Sing as though no one can hear you.... Live as though heaven's on Earth! |
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