[Pomegranate]

My dad died when I was 12, he was 37. He was a violent alcoholic. He only hit me once. He put my little feet on his feet once and we danced. All I felt was relief when he died. Thought everything would change, nothing did.

Last year and this year I find myself feeling sad, feeling loss around Father's Day. I think of all I never knew, all I missed. Don't know why it's just starting to hurt now.

I totally understand.

[jerrymichele]

Hi Pomegranate. I'm sorry you are feeling down. My mother died of beast cancer when I was 15, and my father died of a massive heart attack when I was 27. My mom was verbally abusive to my sister and me. There was a few times she had hit us with things. I remember one time when I was in first grade she was very angry with me, and hit me in the face with a brush that left marks on my face. There also was a few times that my mom would push me and my sister up against the wall and smacked our faces. Her verbal abuse consisted of calling my sister and me everything but our own names. Threw all this I still love my mom. There is not a day that goes by that I don't think about her. My dad wasn't really active in my life. My mom and dad divorced when I was 3 years old. When my mom passed I lived with him for 6 months. I really never knew my dad well. After our falling out I didn't speak to him for 10 years. I walked back into his life a year before he passed. I found out when he passed he really did love me. I still think about him too. You know it took me a long time to accept the fact that my parents were who they were. They hurt me, but I think to myself they did the best they could do in their life. I know that people know right from wrong, but I also learned that I can only change myself and nobody else. I can accept them for who they are or they can just stay out of my life. Take care and I hope tomorrow will be a better day for you.

[Ratanddragon]

Originally Posted by Pomegranate

My dad died when I was 12, he was 37. He was a violent alcoholic. He only hit me once. He put my little feet on his feet once and we danced. All I felt was relief when he died. Thought everything would change, nothing did.

Last year and this year I find myself feeling sad, feeling loss around Father's Day. I think of all I never knew, all I missed. Don't know why it's just starting to hurt now.

Mom and I had been estranged and were reconciling when she died. It felt like I'd been kicked in the gut when I heard and all the bickering went away. To this day, if I hear Bill Withers' "Aint no Sunshine" on the radio or think about mom I get a tear or tight throat. Mother's day isn't fun. Be good to yourself

[(JD)]

We all grieve, and we all mourn. But not all the same nor at the same timing. No matter what, no matter how long it's been... everyone mourns loss. Allow yourself to feel the loss...but take care of yourself.

[FerretGuy5]

I lost my dad when I was 17. Problem is I knew him only for 1-1/2 years between the ages of 9 and 10. Like yours, my dad was an alcoholic. He was a Vet and hit the beach at Omaha on the first wave. He lost his left leg and right lung when the war was nearly ended. He had good cause for being an alcoholic. I just wish he had been in my life longer. Growing up without a father damaged my outcome.

[Pomegranate]

FerretGuy I occasionally wonder what if too.... what my life would have been like had my dad lived and gotten sober...

[rappacinisgarden]

((((pomegranate)))

[notz]

((((((((Pom)))))))))

The good news is that you can feel. Painful? Oh yes, but better than stuffing it.

Hugs.

[ECHOES]

I think at certain stages of our lives we look back. It can happen at any age but I think there is something about 50 that makes a person think about his/her life.

Also, I think those things we missed out on leave a scar that gets irritated or inflamed from time to time.

Why now?... is always a very good question to explore.

(((Pom))) I just love that you have the memory of dancing with him...your little feet on his grown up feet

Perhaps that memory stays with you...to remind you that he was loving. And perhaps also, a memory like that could make one wish there was more of those kinds of experiences with him... at all stages of your life.

[Pomegranate]

I love this Pomegranate Tree! May I use it? Do you know anything about this picture?

[Pomegranate]

I went to visit my dad's grave yesterday. I haven't been to his grave in years and years. It was emotional for me. I felt like I was going to say good bye to him, but when I got there I saw the empty spot between his grave and my maternal grandfather's. He sexually abused my mother. She will rest between her father who sexually abused her and her husband, the alcoholic who beat her.

Then there's me, looking at all three, at the grave waiting to be occupied by the mother I seldom have any contact with because of her continued abuse. I realised I will be back to my father's grave when my mother dies.

I cried for all of us.

[notz]