[wisewoman]

When I was a young teenager I met Jane. She first was a substitute teacher at highschool but that didn't make much of an impression on me. somehow we both went to this conference together and a long friendship began. She loved me. She hugged me and told me I was perfect and that it was not okay that I was neglected and abused. She bought ulcer meds for me when the mother would not. She listened to me as I began to learn to speak and share. She taught me it was okay to be alive. She taught me my body was perfect and how to swim in her river in the nude. She showed me many shades of grey. She saw the anger dance in my eyes eventhough I had been taught to have a poker face to stay safe she saw my eyes. She took me to my abortion when I was 19 and date raped. She came when i was married in a Unitarian ministers back yard. She held my beautiful children. She hugged me. She always understood. She sat with me for hours by her old wood stove in the kitchen while I sat in the "lion" chair. We sat on her porch and talked for hours and hours. I fell asleep with such a sense of safety and love in her home. One time when I was 18 we were at her sister in laws home and there was a doll house with lights in it and it was love to me. I watched that doll house and I watched my Jane with her long once red hair down in her nightie sit on my bed and talk for hours and just love me. She was the first person to ever tuck me into bed. I was almost 19. She skied on the farm with me and took me to a nature conservancy when I was a teen for a week of adventure. She hugged me tight so I felt smushed. I moved 250 mo=iles away from her and our lives moved on. Her house burned down, her husband was sick, they rebuilt, hubby got better. When Hubby was sick my Nicole died and I was angry that she didn't come for me. I forgave her because she needed to be with hubby. We spoke every few months on the phone. Yesterday, after an exhausting day I had wriiten a post about my Nanny and it made me miss my Jane. She was my connection, a safe one to my childhood. I called Jane and her husband answered and I said " Hi b, how are you? How are you liking the new house?'' He acted as though he didn't hear and I repeated. "He sad oh my you don't know do you?" I said what, and he told me that my Jane died september 16th of an anyorism. He found her in the bathroom, she had been dead for 2 1/2 hours. No one thought to call me. He said there were easily 300 people filling anauditorium for her memorial. I said:'I don't understand her dead B" I said how? He said they didn't know either. She was only 70. I cried quietly on the phone with him, spoke about my love and her gifts. I said something about he was sick and he was older and I apologized. My Jane has been gone for 6 weeks and I didn't even feel it. I hung up the phone from speaking with him and started screaming sobbing uncontrollably. How can she be dead? How can I not know? My husband came running up and held me as I screamed and sobbed. I found a hat she made me and put it on. I called 2 friends before I found one that could drive me 250 miles to be there today. I called my brother who is a sergent at the sherriffs office and yelled at him, why didn't he tell me? He knew we were friends. He said he knew her and had known as the entire community did that she had died, but didn't remember we were friends. I spoke with him about our relationship and then that got into childhood abuse stuff and his desire for me to have contact with the parents. He told me he did not remember a lot of the things I did. He asked if I would come if the parents died? I asked if he would want me to? He said yes. I said so then I would go. I have 8 siblings. He told me the father was on oxygen. I said no surprise there. He said they are old and did the best they could. I said it didn't matter because they were toxic for me and I had to not have contact to stay emotionally safe. We hung up at 2:30 a.m. My friend came at 7:45 and picked me up. I looked like I had been a punching bag from all of the crying. We began the journey. My friend stopped at this place for these wind design things and as I was bored and tense and sad I walked around and I found a little statue of a child and a dog. I got it and worte in Marx a lot on the bottom about her. We drove to her river where the water was probably 38' and I got naked and stepped into the water and remembered our time there. I cried, I froze, I cried. I placed the child and dog against a tree. She is in an urn in the house. I am not okay with that but I am not her family. So the river is my spot. I drove to the home and no one was there. I peaked into a window and saw that this new home looked like her too. We drove to the newspaper place and they gave me the paper with her obituary in it and told me to go to the library for other papers they didn't have to get copies of articles on her. I found three. She was well loved and very active in her community. The library lady told me to meet her at 4:00 and she would give me a bunch of the local daily papers so I could get other articles out of them. We drove to my brother's home and he was very cool at first but then eventually invited us in and I met his 3rd wife, she seemed nice. Living in an old farm house. Redoing it. We drove to the library and met the lady, got the papers and then I called my sister who met us for an early dinner. She looks like the mother. I told her that, I think it hurt her feelings. I hugged her goodbye and told her I loved her. We drove back to the house and no one was home. I fell asleep almost immediately and slept for an hour. We got home about midnight and I have looked through the papers and cut some articles. I have so much pain in me and I am angry. No one knew to call me? I couldn't be there to say goodbye with the community? She was my connection to my childhood home. My sibs do not call or write ever. She was my memory of safety, she was my teacher of love-for my self. She always told me I was okay. She was my very dear friend. She is gone. I am empty. A part of my history died with her. I have no one except my hubby to remember her with. I will send her B a letter for me about my memories of her. He will send me the video of her memorial service. My life is a soap and I don't know how much more I can take.

[(JD)]

heavy sigh, sob.

ww, I have no words. There simply aren't any. I am grieving with you for your Jane.

[wisewoman]

I will explode with pain. thanks for reading about my Jane. How can she be gone?

[Wants2Fly]

Your words about Jane are a beautiful memorial to this wise and wonderful and woman. I am soooooo sorry for your pain and awful grief.

[Maya]

I am so very, very sorry for all that has happened and for the death of your friend. I have one friend like that and I cannot imagine the pain if I found out she had died. I wish you all the best I can - Wants2Fly said it all - what a beautiful memorial. Words cannot really express the sorrow I feel for you.

[SS8282]

(((((((((((((ww)))))))))))))Im so sorry. I wish there's something I can say/do that will make you feel better.

The news is bad enough, but the way you found out, and the reactions of your brother, etc. just made things worse.

Maybe you can find some comfort in keeping the memories of her with you, and keep in touch with her husband.

I hope you keep talking to here. I'm here for you, as I'm sure others are too. Maybe somehow, you can draw some strength from the people here.

You've been taking care of everyone else, please try to take care of yourself too.

(((((((((((((ww))))))))))))))))))

[wisewoman]

Received the video of jane's service yesterday in the mail. Took it in to my T this morning and we watched it together. It wasn't what I had feared. Lots of people spoke of her and their experiences, memories. I was kind of funny because they were behind a curtain waiting for their turn with a microphone where as at other services things are more casual. This must have been hubby as he has always been a theater director or actor of some sort. The things people said were profoundly sincere and true. Many soke my heart for me. Not a lot of tears but service was held 2 weeks after death. Son had a hard time with composure. She leaves big shoes to fill. She did so much for her world, her community, her friends. Always acting to improve the human condition. I cried at the end a little when I saw her face and some quotes on the screen. Wanted to touch her. Still do. Want to have a copy made before I send it back. My Jane was special to me, and other people said that too, she made them feel special and so loved. That is my Jane. The pain is letting up some, those first days were torture. I feel like there is always so much happening in my life that I always have a drama to tell. My daughter's ocd has been bad, anxiety through the roof and cancer kid was in ICU 3 times in the last week. she was loosing a liter of blodd daily and constantly being tranfused. She is back on floor today and bleeding stopped for now. Very frightening. I walked in on a sudden death and an old disabled man lying in his own excrement for 24 hours on the floor. This was a week ago maybe? The week before that I helped a dear woman I had known for 16 years die the way she wished, I supported her daughter and gave comfort as she was dying. Hubby wrote me last night and told me to take all of the time from family I need to heal. He knows where I have been. I want to be avail to my ocd daughter as well as other kids. Trying to get a team together, it's impossible to find psychiatric care for people where I live without a 2 hour drive or more. She needs a change in meds. Struggling with cancer kid and that fear. She seems worse since I brought her to visit last time. Audit by state finished just hours before I learned of Jane's death. So much drama. My back has been horrid. Not as bad as it could be but there non the less. I am going to ask for a P.T. referral when these spasms stop to see if that helps. Currently taking percoset and flexeril at night and vicodin during day. No pain right now and last pill was about 12:30. Yeah. Will go to a pain clinic if the P.T. doesn't help. I will not take narcotics for the rest of my life. Or be in this pain. I feel like I won't be believed, it's one thing after another. I am not even mentioning things like friends' cancers and other isssues that concern me. Jane hit me hard. How could I lose such a special force in my life? How lucky was I to have her for nearly 30 years? My dear Jane, she knew I loved her so.

[wisewoman]

I need to keep Jane up front here where I can see the words from me of her, and of her from you all. I miss her so much right now. She taught me how to comfort my daughter tonight. Please help me remeber the lady I love so.

Dearest Jane,

Wisewoman is such a special soul. I think that is because of you.

You held a mirror up to her and showed her the beauty she holds. You took her swimming in all her youthful glory in that river. Did you see her there again? Still a beauty.

Thank you for holding the beautiful children of our friend Wisewoman. That was a sacrament most high.

Thank you for being her good mother, showing her the unconditional love she so truly deserved, but did not receive. Please snuggle up inside her and remain there, in her heart forever. Stay with her as her internal mother for always. She will find you there.

Thank you Jane.

Wisewoman's friend, Emmy

[wisewoman]

oh my soul Emmy, I am crying, you are so dear and so right on. Thank you for getting it and giving my loss voice,

[Raynaadi]

You have let us all know her and what she did for you. I ache with your loss WW, we're here.......

[wisewoman]

Thanks Ray, an aching spirit tonight. I juswt spoke with my friend and told her I needed her to go there with me and see my reality and see where Jane lived. We shall take a day trip next week. Thanks for the kindness and support

[wisewoman]

I have been having a rough night with grief and called Jane's husband just now. Like he really needs to care for me in my loss. But he has had more time to deal with it and we were able to share memories. He was very kind and very sincere. I was tearful. I have been crying all night. Hit me is all

That's the darnedest thing about grief...it doesn't process in a linear progression. It comes in waves. And damned if it refuses to come on our schedule. Seems to have one all it's own. It's soooo exhausting and SO much work.

That's why I've always preferred reading about William Worden's TASKS of grief, rather than Kubler-Ross's stages of grief. Tasks seems more suitable...it's soooo much effort. His four stages are also easier to explain to people, imho.

I swiped this from a website...I don't endorse it or know it at all, it just had a brief explanation I could steal (http://www.spicewoodgroup.com/html/grief.html)

------------------------------------------------
Grief is also described as a series of tasks that must be accomplished. Worden (1982) suggests the four tasks described below.

The first task is to accept the reality of the loss. You stop "searching" or trying to recreate the relationship or the person. You stop denying the meaning of the loss. You allow pain to surface.

The second task is to allow yourself to feel the pain of grief. In some cases this means resisting the urge to not feel, or resisting the advice that others give which suggest pain or sorrow are unnecessary or unhealthy. It may also mean that you should resist the urge to run or escape feeling pain (i.e., by traveling, eating or drinking, overworking, etc.)

The third task focuses on adjusting to an environment without the person who was lost. For instance, you learn to live alone, sleep alone, go places alone, do work that the other did, or handle frequent reminders of them. Often your self-concept and world-view must also adjust to accept the loss.

The final task involves letting go of the person, or "relocating" your feelings for that person. This first involves finding a "place" for the one lost in your emotional life. Secondly, you make emotional energy available for other engagements. Completion of this task is indicated when you are open to future but not necessarily parallel relationships.
-------------------------------------------

Anyhow, those are the basics of Worden! I'll bet you already know about his work. I think I tend to get stuck on task two. That one's a doozy!

Please keep working hard - I can feel how much pain you are in. You are in my thoughts more than you would know.

emmy

[wisewoman]

Thanks Em, I like his work too. Grief sucks and I can't sleep. I miss my Jane, I am sad, I spoke with her husband earlier. Cried a lot tonight.

[silver_queen]

Wise, I am really so sorry when I read about your Jane. When we were talking last night in chat... it made me cry a little myself, and I'm being honest there. It's so clear that she really loved you and that she was such a wonderful person to believe in you and to encourage you to develop and flourish as a person. She gave you the confidence to be who you are today...I think some of her personality has been transferred to you, I think that is why you are the great person you are today. It's so natural to miss her so much, don't ever be ashamed of it or try to suppress it. You'll come out of this a stronger person, and with the spirit of Jane stored in your heart, helping you still in your life.

[Raynaadi]

Please let us know how you're doing when you go visit the house, ok? Thinking about you ww!

[wisewoman]

thanks Ray and Girl, a rough night but a better today. I thought I had always realized that woman's power in my life but now that she is gone I can see the past and have the knowing of her so clearly. She taught me very basic things that I would have never learned otherwise. She loved me. She just loved me.

[wisewoman]

I was having a difficult time with my daughter today and feeling like it is so hard not to want to protect her and make things work for her. I want to fix it. so i was remembering the cards from Jane that I read thursday and she adtually spoke about hurting when you kids are hurting and how it's hard to let them find their own way. She spoke about always letting them know you are there, always having a place for them but giving them room to find their way. Hard but good advice and she wrote it about her own children bacl then. I wish she was here for me to speak with, call her on the phone and say this is what's happening with my daughter, got any suggestions? I know she would have wisdom to help and just validate me as a parent. She already left a lot of wisdom with me and the cards and letters are gifts.

[Crazy_Charlie]

How old is your daughter?
I have a daughter myself, 1,5 years old. I always knew I would have problems as a parent, since my mother didn't really teach me much about the RIGHT things to do to children. But so far it has been ok, I'm managing on all the things I know you should NOT do. The fact that my daughter is very much alike me makes it a lot easier too, but gee, I feel like balancing on a line when it comes to children.

So many small important things...

Wish you a good day (((((((((((wisewoman))))))))))))

Charlie

[wisewoman]

Hi Charley, my girls are 17 and almost 17, my son is 20. I had a foster daughter for 12 years who died suddenly 5 years ago. My youngest has ocd and has since she was 7. It's got her by the tail and as she is wrestling with her demons it's hell not to be able to rescue her and make it all better. I can hear Jane's soothing voice about giving kids love and roots and arms to cry in. I have ptsd from severe childhood neglect and lots of all kinds of abuse. I never knew about stories or teddy bears and all of that so Jane taught me just by still embracing the whimsical and silly in all of us. I have made mistakes parenting, who hasn't? My biggest regret is that I have had to spend so much of their growing time mourning my loss and being overwhelmed with my own strong feelings. I never could tolerate a strong feeling and I am learning that. As well, I am learning that my kids are going to have strong feelings and by staying calm and solid I teach them they can live through it and grow. When my daughter had her melt down sunday I was freaked out and Never have called her therapist or docs or anything but I left a message for her t and she called back and said stuff like, so she's lying under a tree and she has bloodied her knuckles, she is not going to freeze as it's warm out, she is not hurting herself anymore, she is not hurting anyone, go out when you are calm and tell her you are there and will talk when/if she desires. Well, simple advice that I could have given anyone but I had to hear it. I told her T how I felt so powerless to help her and was frightened for her emotionally. She told me my kid is strong and smart and has to deal with some big stuff right now and will get through it. She said I was a very nurturing parent and that my kid felt safe with me. It was good stuff. Of course I think this T is way younger than me and doesn't have kids but she's great. I am confused by your language, Do you have a daughter who is 1.5 years old or do you have 2, 1 and 5? Children are such a gift and a responsibility. Just talking about parenting helps. I wish I hadn't been so freaked when they were unhappy, I wish that I had protected them more from the world. The youngest OCD came after she revealed she had been molested by a mature teen. So, obviously part of her backslide here is blossoming feelings that she morally believes are wrong. Poor baby. So, Charley you are protecting your child or children, you are making a change from what you experienced. Your child in turn will be even more strong and so we create a new cycle of parents growing stronger families. Jane was an exception in the world. I know that now so well. She loved with power and strength and always knew what was most essential. I re-read my last post and it made me cry a bit. But it's all good, I can cry now. I have learned I won't die if I cry. I had my Jane, she was my teacher of all things about life. She was as dear as anyone could be and is held in so many hearts. Thanks for continuing to ask me about her and let me process the loss, the grief. Tell me about your daughter/s?

[Crazy_Charlie]

I have just one daughter, that is 1.5 (20 months, actually)years old. I have pictures of her in the photoalbum here at psych central, but she also got a homepage with pictures (http://www.acidcats.nl/) but we hardly have time to update it. It's my boyfriends page originally , and he works full time job.

She is a lovely girl, but I sense that she has inherited my emotionality, so I know this is going to be tough, both for her and for me. But she's got a strong will, and I know better than my mother how to handle that since I have that too (my mother tried to break it). I know though, that I can't protect her from all the dangers in this world without restricting her too much, but it's a painful knowledge. I hope I can manage to prepare her as much as possible though, but then you never know what can happen. It is simply imposible. I am sure you have protected your children as good as you possibly could, but when you give them the world you also have to let them out in it, and then they are exposed to dangers you cannot prevent. I know this is no real comfort though, no one who loves their child would want anything negative happen to them at all. And having felt the dangers of the world on your own body, you are probably even more worried than mothers who hasn't, it is a part of you, the bad effects. Who wouldn't want to protect their children from any harm, and espescially if you have experienced it yourself? The important thing is that you are trying to be there as much as you can for your daughter when the bad things has happened, and try to have an open dialogue with your daughter.

I wish though, that everyone could have someone as your Jane by their side, living isn't an easy thing, some help and comfort would be appreciated with everyone I think. Keep talking to her, you know in your heart what her answers will be. Maybe some day you will learn to think more in her way, and feel more secure by that.

Charlie

[wisewoman]

Okay, so here I am in the middle of my weekend. I am trying to understand the whole Jane is gone thing but of course that makes no sense. I did errands and came home to bed for the most part and have been wool sculpting most of the day. Back is tricky. How can I know that my Jane is dead? I really don't get it at all because when I am thinking about stuff she comes into my mind and I want to speak with her and then I remember. I am lucky, I know that. She was a gift, I know that. Can I understand that she died? I don't understand. How is it so? How is it possible and how will I be okay?

[Rapunzel]

(((((((((wisewoman)))))))))

Jane sounds like a very wonderful person and I am glad that you had her in your life. It is so sad that they didn't remember to tell you when she died. You will grieve for her, and your life will go on. It takes time.

Her spirit lives on, and you will meet again. But this must be hard for you. She sounds like much more of a mother to you than yours was. You are right. She was a gift. Cherish her memory and hold her close to your heart forever.

Love,
Rapunzel