It's been 6 years..

On Feb. 9th, it was 6 years since my grandfather passed away..I don't know my father, so my grandfather was the only father figure I ever had in my life. He spoiled me rotten and kept me safe and didn't let anyone harm me...when he passed I felt as if someone took away 99% of my heart. And I still feel this way. I don't know how to get over it...I've accepted it, but I don't know how to put it to rest...I cry alot, wishing he was here, so that way I could just run to him and just hug him and cry...a few days before he died, I snuck into his hospital bed, because me, my brother, and my cousins were told "we were too young to go in and see him by ourselves" by our parents and grandma...but I snuck in there. And I think the reason why I can't get over it is because I had told him I would be right back, I was just going to run to the restroom, and I would come straight back. I never kissed him goodbye. I just left. But my mom found out where I was and she wouldn't let me go back in...a few days later, he died.

Are there any tips on how to deal with this, even though its been 6 years?

I wish I had some tips for you, but just wanted to extend some ((( HUGS ))) to you as I kinda know what you're going through.

I still have trouble accepting the "unfinished" nature of my uncle's death. I had seen him almost every day that he was in the hospital the week before he passed. The night before he died, he had a seizure and was in ICU. Even then, we managed to have fun times. Before we left that evening, we gave our hugs and kisses. He told his wife and kids that he loved them...and then told me he loved me. We were always close, but we never really said those words to each other. I told him I loved him too.

That night, shortly after midnight, I typed him a long heartfelt letter about how much I love him and his family, how we need him to get better, how much my parents and his family mean to me, etc. As far as we knew, he was not dying.

Then, during my lunch break, I went to visit him. I handed him the letter in an envelope. He had other visitors, so he held onto it for later. We chatted and laughed, he felt great!

That night, my dad and I went to visit him....and "code blue" was called just as we were entering the floor....his wife was with us...and we waited. The doctor came out and apologized for taking so long. I asked how he was, and the doctor said, "He died".....what a painful experience. Especially to be there with his wife, and to then explain to my dad (who was hard of hearing) that his beloved brother had passed away.

They let us in the room....and I immediately noticed the letter, still unopened.

To this day, I have not gotten over the fact that he never read my heartfelt words. I know he loves me, and I know he knows what the letter entailed. But I still don't have that real closure. I made a copy of the letter for his wife - my favorite aunt as well - and my dad, thinking that it would help me get through the grief. To no avail, as it is nearly 10 years later and I still struggle with this.