[mixedup_emotions]

As you may know, my dad passed away suddenly 2 years ago, collapsing from a massive heart attack at the age of 57 in front of my mom and then 5 year old daughter.

I feel like I haven't gone through the stages of grief yet and am still in a denial/mourning phase. I usually push thoughts out of my mind so that I don't get consumed by the pain, the realization that he's gone.

I found out the other day that my dad's brother is in the hospital, planning to have heart surgery. I was driving home from work today, and a memory hit me like a ton of bricks....of the day my dad went in to have his stent procedure done (3 months before he died). He was sooo afraid to die. My mom said he cried the night before the procedure, afraid that he wasn't going to live through it. I was the one that was with him that morning of the procedure. And I remember him clinging onto me with terror in his eyes, saying our "I love yous" and giving each other a kiss.....

I know how afraid he must have been then....and how such a short time later, his fear became a reality.

That memory hit me so strong that I couldn't breathe! I was choking back the tears and quickly took an Ativan....

As tears are now rolling down my face, I don't want to feel this pain. I don't want it.....I don't want to face the fact that my dad is really gone.

Ria

[Capp]

((Ria))
I am so very sorry...
It hurts so badly when things like this happen to us.

Grieving is an individual thing, we do it at our own pace. Shutting out the pain from losing a loved one can actually be a part of our grieving. At some point, though, that anguish will surface and it does hurt.
Wandering through the grief is one of the hardest things we face doing...feeling the sorrow/anger/depression.
At times I've found myself barely inching forward, times when I can't move forward at all. I don't berate myself for this since it's the best that I can do at the time.

If you feel like you are actively beginning to grieve, be as kind as possible to yourself.
Grieving is very hard work so taking care of yourself is so important...

Please keep posting and let us know how you are doing, ok?
Posting will help you get some of the feelings out, perhaps others will share what has helped them day by day.

My best wishes for you to have bits and pieces of peace as you start this journey,
Cap

[lynn P.]

Hi Friend,
So sorry to hear of the sudden passing of your Dad. My husband's brother in-law died of a massive heart attack 8 yrs. in front of his wife and 14yr. old daughter. It was very traumatic for them too. I personally lost my brother to alcohol poissoning last April and they think it was suicide.
Like the last poster said greiving is hard , but it's something we all have to do in our own way and time. Probably, at the time of your fathers death, you were trying to be strong since you were the older child. But when we hold it in, sooner or later it has to come out. For me greiving was like waves in the ocean - sometimes they were strong, relentless and other times calm where good memories would creep in. Although grieving isn't something any of us want to feel, it is a necessary process that helps us get to the other side. Try not to resist it and be kind to yourself. I hope once the waves of greif pass you will be in a peaceful place. Take care.