[h0kie]

It's hard for me to ask for help. Any help, from anyone, ever. So bare with me if I am cryptic.

But...

I give up.

[wisewoman]

No giving up allowed, I found you hiding here. What's up?

[LMo]

yeah, what's up? this is unlike you -- are you ok?

NOPE, NOPE, NOPE. NO GIVING UP. WHAT IS IT?

[h0kie]

No. And for a while now, this is me. Sad, angry, so clingy that I annoy myself, overwhelmed...in fact, sometimes its hard to remember not being like this.

[h0kie]

Summer: Girl problems...allllll summer long.
7/21 ~ Two ultrasounds - yuck
End of August ~ Huge discussion/fight with my father where he basically tells me to suck it up and that he's pissed we're not doing more to support ourselves. He's sick of all my "excuses" (apparently, I am spending too much time clarifying, he wants yes/no answers).
9/15 ~ "Officially" diagnosed as a type II diabetic with high blood pressure, oh and referred to an endocrinologist because my thyroid is OVER active...in a weird way apparently.
10/1 ~ 24hr. urine test ordered - ohhhh those suck
10/6 ~ Another ob/gyn appt. scheduled surgery
10/28 ~ Hysteroscopy, D&C, and polypectomy - girl problems seem to be getting better
11/3 ~ Apparently, I am losing protein somewhere. So now I have to have another ultrasound, this time of my kidneys.
11/9 ~ First appointment with endocrinologist. - :sarcasm: Expecting oodles of good news here.

In between all that...

I've had more blood taken than I can remember. But hey, I'm no longer scared of having it done.

I haven't been working much (not as many jobs...can't make myself go). So money is tight. I'm sick of asking my parents or hubby's parents for money. I am now keeping my MIL from retiring and my mother is seriously reconsidering her decision to retire this year. What am I going to do when we don't have parents around any longer to buy our food, help with bills, pay for medications, pay for my doctor's visits, and take me to dinner? Will my baby brother have to support me?

My father is pissed that I am not on sub lists in more districts. He's pissed at my mother for giving us any money. So that puts her in the middle which I don't want to do. The woman sneaks me money. To sign up in another district I would need to spend about $100. I don't have $100 to spend right now to get signed up. Add to the fact, that with doctor's appointments and feeling crappy, I don't want to be turning down jobs and sabotaging myself in those districts. Nope, I'm sabotaging myself quite well right now.

In four months I have amassed almost $3,000 in hospital bills (this doesn't include seperate doctor's bills), this is BEFORE my surgery a week ago. We submitted the application for assistance (August 9th), however "they are behind" and we STILL haven't heard anything. So every month I get these huge bills. I pay a few dollars so the bill doesn't go to collections (they're instructions).

This doesn't even take into account student loans which are currently in "economic crisis" deferrment.

I'm a "hope for the best" while "preparing for the worst" kind of person. Right now...scary words are flashing through my mind. Kidney failure. Kidney disease. Cancer. Death. (I'm so dramatic)

Can ya sense the little seed of depression? Hubby is watching me like a hawk and quoting my wisdom, from when he was sick, back to me. (Hate that...lol) I don't want to go see his T, though I love the woman. I don't see what good it would do. She can't fix anything. She can't make me well. I don't think I have a "programming error" like hubby had. I'm just trying to deal. I do not want ANOTHER medication. I've had enough of medications.

Did I mention now I worry about what hubby has that is slowly killing him? Not that we can afford to find out right now. Why am I more important than him?

I swear sometimes....I feel like I am losing it. I'm tired of trying to pretend to be ok when my parents are around. But I doubt they'll understand right now, afterall, my father doesn't feel like going to work every day, "but he goes". I can't afford to alienate them right now. Literally. I'm tired of ignoring the phone (sorry Bethy) because I can't stand to answer it. Whoever it may be. Don't want to post here because I can't promise to be nice...I have developed quite the short fuse lately.

I'm only 25 years old. I don't want to die. Took me almost 5 minutes to type that one sentence. Sheesh.

Now to print this off and give it to the hubby.

Um...and apparently, cryptic just isn't my thing. lol

[wi_fighter]

We can have short fuses together.

(((((((((((Erin))))))))))

[__zh]

give the crypt key and blammo the door is wide open for support!

omg 1day!! we had no idea this was the ongoing nature of what you were dealing with. with this summary it is just horrible and really hits home just how long you've been facing this and how unpleasant much of the interactions with the medical professionals has been.

a short fuse can be understood with all you've had to handle.

having had no insurance and lots of mystery illnesses that required weekly blood draws we can sympathize with that aspect and really do hope the assistance with bills comes through.

now that we know this ongoing situation we'll keep watch for updates (or maybe biting the heads off of deserving people ) and will do our best to be more aware of what's going on for you.............much easier now that you've spilled your beans in the summary.

we admire your posting this and admitting to what's been on your plate. that took guts.

[h0kie]

(((((((((wi_fi)))))))))) It's nice to have company.

Thanks for your support, _zh. It all seems so overwhelming right now. I got a bill from the ob/gyn today...when I stood in her office, check in hand, and they told me there was no charge.

Also applied for Medicaid today. I think it is looking like we will be making too much money to qualify. Story of my life.

[wisewoman]

I am sorry for your worries and health issues. Medicaid will look at the bills you owe and count toward a spend-down, or deductible. Get help with forms when you need to. Good luck.

my goodness, i wish you had told us all of this sooner. i'm so sorry that you're having so many medical problems. when it rains, it pours. if i could, i'd bring cookies and tea!! xoxox pat

((((((((((((((((((( <font color="red"> 1day</font> )))))))))))))))))))))

time0

[(JD)]

((((1day))) I knew I had seen a post from you somewhere! Finally found it... I'm sorry for your troubles... keep us informed, if you can, ok?

[h0kie]

Thank you everyone. Today was a good day. Got out of the house with my mom. Spending time with the hubby tonight. I also dropped in to school on Friday and I realized I need to get back to work. 10 minutes there and I felt immensely better. Kids are wonderful therapy. Even the handfulls.

Still really nervous about the appointment Wednesday, but I will be glad to have it over with. The not knowing is the hardest part.

Worrying that having parental help is going to hurt us with Medicaid. Again, the not knowing is worrying me. Control issues much? lol

Found a horrible picture of myself. So I printed it out as incentive for my diet. We'll see how it goes.

((((((((((ww)))))))))))
((((((((((Pat)))))))))) - What kind of cookies?
(((((((((time0)))))))))
(((((((((Sky))))))))))

[(JD)]

actually, 1day... posting a pic of what you want to be, telling yourself that is how you ARE really would work better. The brain doesn't understand things the way we are inclined to believe... it WILL accept what you tell it to be truth, present.. and adjust the body to match the truth. If you post a bad pic, and view it, that's what the brain will decide is truth, and make you that way. It's weird, but interesting. (the brain, that is)

TC

(I like soft oatmeal raisen cookies, myself )

[dottie]

Good luck on your diet!!

TGC

[h0kie]

Thanks Dottie!

[__zh]

</font><blockquote><div id="quote"><font class="small">Quote:</font>
Still really nervous about the appointment Wednesday, but I will be glad to have it over with. The not knowing is the hardest part.

</div></font></blockquote><font class="post"> agreed! soooooooo......Wednesday has come and gone 1day....

you've got cookie bakers in your corner waiting to hear and worrying along with you.

keep on breathing through all this life stuff and you'll learn what you need to about control. lol

but I want patience NOW! is a favourite in our therapist's office.

wellness thoughts your way.

[h0kie]

Thanks for reminding me _zh. Endocrinologist said that I do not have a thyroid problem and the high levels are probably due to the high amounts of hormones I was taking.

I've been off the hormones for almost 3 weeks now, so the ob/gyn (who first noticed the thyroid levels) ordered another thyroid function test, at my urging. So we'll see if its back to normal now.

Don't have to see the ob/gyn again until August as long as things don't get bad again. YAY!

I had a kidney ultrasound last night. At one point she did some kind of infared ultrasound on my kidneys (I watched the whole thing on the screen). The right kidney was mostly red while the left was more blue/green. Does that mean something? I don't know. I did find out that the two "bumps/lumps" I have on either side are the exact area where my kidneys are. Again, does that mean something? I don't know.

I am giving the doc until Dec. 1st to contact me. She never told me when to come back. If I haven't heard from her by the 1st, I am calling and getting an appointment or at least asking what the kidney ultrasound showed.

Thanks for asking. I apologize for not updating.

[__zh]

</font><blockquote><div id="quote"><font class="small">Quote:</font>
1dayatatime2 said:
Thanks for reminding me _zh. Endocrinologist said that I do not have a thyroid problem and the high levels are probably due to the high amounts of hormones I was taking.

</div></font></blockquote><font class="post"> yippee yippee yippee. good to know what you don't have so that you can get to finding out what is going on. </font><blockquote><div id="quote"><font class="small">Quote:</font>
I've been off the hormones for almost 3 weeks now, so the ob/gyn (who first noticed the thyroid levels) ordered another thyroid function test, at my urging. So we'll see if its back to normal now.

Don't have to see the ob/gyn again until August as long as things don't get bad again. YAY!

</div></font></blockquote><font class="post"> we'll second your hurrah at the almost year until the next appt. we'll keep our fingers crossed. </font><blockquote><div id="quote"><font class="small">Quote:</font>
I had a kidney ultrasound last night. At one point she did some kind of infared ultrasound on my kidneys (I watched the whole thing on the screen). The right kidney was mostly red while the left was more blue/green. Does that mean something? I don't know. I did find out that the two "bumps/lumps" I have on either side are the exact area where my kidneys are. Again, does that mean something? I don't know.

Thanks for asking. I apologize for not updating.

</div></font></blockquote><font class="post"> we know nothing about ultrasounds of the kidneys or colours that show up on screen. Dec. 1st seems quite a ways off......is there any reason to wait that long? reading an ultrasound shouldn't take that long even with any cuts in budgets for staffing. we'd want to know asap but that's us. sorry if we're dense with questions.

no apologies necessary for not updating. yer blog seems to be down so wondered how you were and what was going on with this laundry list life you've got (((1day and family)))

with healthy wishes for you,