[reesecups]

Was not looking forward to having an upper endoscopy or colonoscopy today. But got yo early and went in there. I've had quite a few endoscopic procedures, so there's a part of me not bothered too much by it. Except, when they are ready to begin, I explain the fear of the first upper endoscopic procedure I had where they thought I was unconscious and began the procedure with me wide awake. It's always terrified me that it would happen again and I always tell the nurse and doctor my fear and beg them to make sure I'm out,

Never happened again and even though I still have this terrible fear, I was able to do the procedures. As stated above, I was to have both procedures done. And it took a lot of meds just to knock my out. The next thing I remember, I woke up during the colonoscopy, and telling them to stop because it was hurting. They gave me more meds which knocked me out again, only to wake up at least two more times that I recall and begging them to stop. They kept giving more drugs and I don't remember waking up again.

I feel still traumatized by it. I know she's new and according to her, her assistant at the office said at some point I had insisted on going to this surgical center even though I supposedly knew that the doctor knew from my history she wanted me somewhere that I could be monitored more closely. I told her I didn't remember everything, but I was not the type of person that would have casually dismissed her recommendation.

Either way, it's getting late here and I'm still pretty traumatized by the whole thing. I have to have another colonoscopy because the one she did today was not a complete one because of internal scar tissue from my hysterectomy that prevented her from seeing everything.

Sorry, just had to vent. I ferrel like just taking some extra meds to knock myself unconscious until sometime tomorrow and not feel the way I do right now.

[gayleggg]

I'm sorry you had such a bad experience. After all, it's not fun anyway. I've had a couple and have been lucky not to wake up. I hope your next one goes better for you, even though, I know you will be scared and I don't blame you.

[reesecups]

Originally Posted by gayleggg

I'm sorry you had such a bad experience. After all, it's not fun anyway. I've had a couple and have been lucky not to wake up. I hope your next one goes better for you, even though, I know you will be scared and I don't blame you.

Thank you! I feel like that was the last straw. I'm barely keeping myself together emotionally and this seemed to not only traumatized me, but has wrecked what little emotional self-control I seem to have. I'm just trying to survive until I see my therp on Thursday. Also, I'm seeing if I can speak to my case manager about some things tomorrow. Too early for either to get back to me yet, but I don't know what to do until I see them other than to medicate with Xanax and hope to make it.

[gayleggg]

Yes, a Xanax should help. After you take that you might try laying down for a little while. Hopefully, they will get back to you soon.

[reesecups]

Originally Posted by gayleggg

Yes, a Xanax should help. After you take that you might try laying down for a little while. Hopefully, they will get back to you soon.

My Case Manager is out today. Just found out and I can't really see my therp until Thursday. But I do have another appt. With her on Monday.

I'm doing the only thing I know to do from keeping myself fairly safe until tomorrow...I took enough Xanax to make me sleep the entire day. I know that's considered self-harm but I know it won't harm me physically, just thought I was past doing this by now. I guess old coping is better than doing worse?

Thanks for your help!

[gayleggg]

Old coping skills are hard to give up, but you are right it could be worse. You do need to keep yourself safe.

[reesecups]

Originally Posted by gayleggg

Old coping skills are hard to give up, but you are right it could be worse. You do need to keep yourself safe.

Thanks, it is now about six o'clock in the evening. I'm conscious enough that I feel better. Don't know for how long. I think I can make it until tomorrow.

Thanks for your thoughts and support. It has really helped! Nbaker care