[AltecLansing]

Hi. I'm new here so I don't really know if this is the right place to talk about this but, whatever, I'm just gonna go ahead and say it.

I am 21 years old, still living with my mom and her boyfriend- whom I absolutely HATE ! - and I'm having trouble socializing and being part of the rest of the world. I am a loner and I'm always locked up in my room. The only time I get out is if I have to go to school or work, other than that....I stay home. I only have one friend and I don't even see her often, because she's the complete opposite of me. She likes to socialize and go out in the world, while I hate it. Ok i know I'm stalling a little, so let me just cut right to the chase.

I am afraid that I might be a bad person. Not just bad as in, causing trouble and insulting people or anything like that. I am literally terrified that I might be an evil being. Like deep down, I feel like I'm more into the "shadows" than the "light" I am constantly fighting with, what i think is my real nature. The evil one. I keep trying my hardest to suppress it and convince myself that I'm paranoid, but as I get older, I'm starting to realize that it's not my imagination, I have an evil side that's dying to come out, and I'm afraid that this evil side might actually be the REAL me. I keep putting up this front like I actually care about people around me, but I really don't...I keep having these thoughts on murder and hurting people and it's very graphic. In my head, I can see it as if I was actually going to do it and I can even feel some sort of...satisfaction while thinking about these things. Especially to the people I don't like. Everytime it happens, I shut these thoughts down and try to think about something else, but the more I try, the more I'm actually thinking about it.

I don't want to be a bad person, let alone an evil one. I have a lot of anger built-up inside of me that hasn't been released from back when I was 12 years old, I've never been in a fight my WHOLE life, not even an altercation that would have led to a fight, nothing. And I'm afraid that one day, I'm just gonna explode like a volcano and actually hurt someone...or even worse...I'm afraid that, if and when that day comes, I'm gonna be sucked into a world of darkness and evilness that's going to wrap me in forever. I'm afraid that, if I let that Anger out, it will be the end of me, that this is going to be the opportunity for evil to take over and I don't want that to happen. Everyday of my life, I feel heavy, I have this pressure on my chest and I feel like my body's a weak container that's trying to seal something dangerous that's about to come out. I have Insomnia and a deep thinker.

My biggest fear is that somewhere in the future, I might become a danger for society.

Now I don't know what I'm suppose to ask of you, if I have to ask for help or whatever. I don't even know what to do at this point. I'm just out of Ideas. I need advice or at least someone to tell me that...I'm just over thinking or that I'm not alone and that it's kinda normal to have those fear. I believe in God and Hell is not somewhere I want to end up at, but if my feelings keeps on going down that road...I'm afraid this might be a possibility.

I'm a Gemini btw...don't know if it's relevant or not, and I'm a girl.

I know this is long and you're probably not even going to read all of that crap, but if you do, please give me a answer or...something. Thank you.

[DDIke]

Hello, AltecLansing. Welcome to PC. Do you think seeking help would be beneficial?

[-jimi-]

Sounds more that isolation made you have strange thoughts. Sometimes it's not easy to find a good context to be in and that can be quite harsh.

I know some things I am deep inside are truly evil, but it doesn't scare me. I know I better not letting that stuff out too much and I don't. But true evil doesn't apologize and is not scared.

[LostNgone4ever]

I feel like I am so d**n evil. I am ugly, fat, and hideous, I do not take care of myself, I am careless towards other people, I'm an absolute atheist, I fantasize about killing myself ever day and the sorrow it would bring my family and how guilty it would make my therapist feel...this is the only time I actually am "happy" although I do not think I am really happy then. I have no desire to be happy. I think I "love" my pets but I never really do anything like play with them, sometimes I fantasize about about my family members or my pets dying so I can be even more depressed and then I'd finally have enough guts to actually kill myself....I'm so disappointed that I've failed at my suicide attempts in the past, its like I've failed at being a failure...like I need to be more evil. So basically I want to be more evil but there's a part of me that's still afraid to go too far.

I'm not sure if I am thankful for that part that is afraid to give in to the evil or if I hate that part.

AltecLansing: Have you thought about seeing a therapist or a psychiatrist, I have seen some really weird ones that just made things worse but after 5 or 6 years or weeding through and sometimes having to back to isolating myself for a year I've been able to find a therapist, a GP, and a psychiatrist that I like. I hope the road isn't as bumping for you, but even if it is or even its worse, try to hang in there. I wish I could offer you more support but I really not in a good mind set right now. I'm bipolar and am in a super depression plus am struggling with a huge weight...which contributes to my depression. You're issues sound much more complicated then me obsessing over being fat and having my meds adjusted. I really hope you feel better

I'm sorry you feel that way. I don't believe in evil as an entity so no I don't believe I'm evil.
BTW hello, it's good to meet you

[Bathroomhunter09]

Hello AltecLansing. It's refreshing to know someone out there is in the same situation as me . I am also fighting the part of me that Is definitely evil, I try to ignore it but lately it's gotten worse. The only time it goes away is when I keep myself busy but I'm not sure that it's a permanent solution. I have not and have never had any mental problems but this is eating me from the inside.

To answer your question, If I were to loose my battle and become any type of pure evil I like to think I would kill myself, but if it were to really happen I'm not sure I would go through with it. My advice is that it's pointless to kill yourself over something you might do, but if you seriously find yourself on the edge I would get help. Hope this helps, but what the hell do I know. If you find any tips on how to make it go away please share.