[lynn P.]

Hi Everyone,
I'm a Mom with 2 girls 7 & 11. The 11 yr. old was talking to this neighborhood boy on MSN and she was trying to tell him what some boys in her class said (think he took it wrong) - so he swore at her with the F word and a few other insults. He used to go to her school and she had past problems with him a few years ago. I knew he was on her MSN and I told her it's okay, as long as he behaves, plus she rarely talks to him anyway.
I had her print out the conversation and went to their house with my daughters, to show the parents. At first his mother was very defensive and she called the father and son to come out. Once he read it and we talked more - he finally made his son apologize and then we all parted peacefully. Even though the outcome was in our favour, I'm just wondering if I handled well? If we didn't go and talk it out, then he would have been blocked and if they happened to see each other on the street, they would be enemies. I guess I'm just feeling upset because the whole thing was nerve racking and I'm shy at heart. Thank you for the comments.

[salukigirl]

so are you thinking that this makes them not enemies? honestly, i think when the parents get involved in little things like that it makes it even worse. I think that, kids are going to have to deal with people like that and they need to learn how to cope with it. At age 11, she's not that far from being a teenager and you can't protect her all the time. She's going to have to learn that some people are just jerks. As long as it's not anything where her life is in danger, I think it might be better to just keep a watchful eye, but ultimately back off a little and let her make her own decisions.

[lynn P.]

Originally Posted by salukigirl

so are you thinking that this makes them not enemies? honestly, i think when the parents get involved in little things like that it makes it even worse. I think that, kids are going to have to deal with people like that and they need to learn how to cope with it. At age 11, she's not that far from being a teenager and you can't protect her all the time. She's going to have to learn that some people are just jerks. As long as it's not anything where her life is in danger, I think it might be better to just keep a watchful eye, but ultimately back off a little and let her make her own decisions.

Thanks for the opinion and yes I do try to let her make decisions on her own. When we did this I wasn't concerned about being enemies or not, Since he used to bother her before I don't consider him friendship material. If my child used profanity over the internet - I would want to know so I could stop it. I don't think using the F word and insulting her is a "little thing". It's actually cyber bullying! Unfortunately your post only makes me feel worse.
She was very upset and crying. At least now she got an apology.

[salukigirl]

I'm sorry, I wasn't trying to make you feel worse. Maybe I just grew up too fast but hearing the F word as an 11 year old really isn't that bad. I was bullied my entire life. My parents were poor living in a rich suburb and kids used to make fun of me day in and day out for having a crappy house, hand me down clothes and everything else you could think of. I even told my dad and he didn't do anything or go to anyone's parents. He told me if they ever did it again to stand up for myself and not come home crying about it. Maybe that was too much tough love in elementary and middle school but I guess it worked out for the best? I'm just the kind of person who thinks that everyone should learn for themselves. So, if she were my kid, and it took a boy "bullying" her to get her to stand up for herself and learn how to handle those kinds of situations, yes I'd let it go and let her deal with it. That's just me though. And, if that kid acts like that, chances are his parents don't care enough to do anything about it so I don't know that talking to them really does anything. He has to learn those patterns from somewhere y'know?

Good luck with your daughter and the boy.

[Rhapsody]

As a parent my self I think you did the right thing being that your daughter is only 11 years old.... You showed your daughter that matters can be handled in a non-confrontational way, even with people that are trying to become our enemy.

[Stevejavson]

I think it would have been better if you would have just gotten her to block him. Although I can see your reasons for the course of action, I don't think the action itself was too appropriate for the circumstances.

Due to the anonymous nature of the internet, you see a lot of this kind of thing. I found learning to ignore someone and resisting the temptation to go back and argue is the ultimate skill when it comes to situations like this.

[lynn P.]

Thanks Rhapsody,
thanks for the words of encouragement. I agree I didn't want her going by herself and I also didn't want to ignore it. Most of the time she's more than capable of taking care of herself and she even has a brown belt in karate. It's too bad that kids this age know all the bad words. Thank again.

I have an eleven year old son being bullied at school right now, and we tell him to tell us everything that is going on and we then deal with it.

He is eleven and had to deal with being called a feb to his face ( f****** english B****** we live in scotland) also being punched and kicked, I will NOT let him deal with this on his own we as his parents will deal with it thats one of the many reasons we are around so that we can deal with issues he is unable to, I dont want him to deal with this stuff thats our job !

We have seen the head teacher time and time again and will be dealing with her boss if it happens again, however we feel that this time it has finaly been dealt with, we have taught him that he can trust us as parents to deal with his problems and also taught him how we dealt with it so that in the future when/if he has children he too can sort things out the right way.

I would not hesitate to use the police either if I felt that is what is needed.

I think you was in a way silly going to see the parents imho as in the past I have met with some not so nice parents and this could of back fired on you however I admire you for doing so.

Our son also goes to martial arts I feel as parents we need to arm our children with many skills in this world.

[lynn P.]

Originally Posted by Tishie

I have an eleven year old son being bullied at school right now, and we tell him to tell us everything that is going on and we then deal with it.

He is eleven and had to deal with being called a feb to his face ( f****** english B****** we live in scotland) also being punched and kicked, I will NOT let him deal with this on his own we as his parents will deal with it thats one of the many reasons we are around so that we can deal with issues he is unable to, I dont want him to deal with this stuff thats our job !

We have seen the head teacher time and time again and will be dealing with her boss if it happens again, however we feel that this time it has finaly been dealt with, we have taught him that he can trust us as parents to deal with his problems and also taught him how we dealt with it so that in the future when/if he has children he too can sort things out the right way.

I would not hesitate to use the police either if I felt that is what is needed.

I think you was in a way silly going to see the parents imho as in the past I have met with some not so nice parents and this could of back fired on you however I admire you for doing so.

Our son also goes to martial arts I feel as parents we need to arm our children with many skills in this world.

Hi Tishie,
thanks for sharing you experience and opinion. I was prepared for the worst and at first his mom was defensive , but there tone change when they saw what their son wrote. I saw a special on Oprah the other day and the experts seemed to say the parents should get involved only after the children have tried to solve things on their own. Regarding your son, I think you should also tell him to be assertive to the bullies because they might sense that he doesn't want to stand up to them and you'll just handle it. The expert said that the victims need to be assertive vocally and in their posture, conveying a 'don't mess with me attitude'. At my daughters school, they get teased more if the parent gets involved. I hope it all works out for your son.

We have done so, and I know its not right however I have offered him ten pounds if he slaps him one lol.

[thelionkinglives]

Hi Lynn

I had her print out the conversation and went to their house with my daughters, to show the parents.
So far I like it...
At first his mother was very defensive and she called the father and son to come out. Once he read it and we talked more - he finally made his son apologize and then we all parted peacefully.
Mom's are almost always more defensive

I think what you did was perfect. In a society that's gotten use to depersonalizing & saying whatever they want on line it's good for him to learn there are ramifications to how you talk to people.

I know it had to be uncomfortable but you handled it perfect...go straight to the source...

Kuddos

LK

[Rmdctc]

I think you made the right decision! I would have done the exact same thing because he lives right across the street. I think it is better to deal with it with her then let them meet somewhere on there own and she has to deal with it by herself. I also think that if I were his parents I would want to know what my son had said. I think that kids should NEVER be allowed to have the computer in their room and not be supervised on it. They can get into too much trouble very easy. I would have suggested that to his parents.

[lynn P.]

Thanks for the support Lion king and Rmdctc - you guys make feel like I did the right thing

[AAAAA]

I think you did the right thing for what it's worth. It's a sad state of affairs (I think) when an 11 year old has to deal with things on their own.

[Typo]

I think you handled this perfectly. You showed both kids things can be worked out by talking and in a non violent or confrontational way.
Claps for you!

Peace
Sparrow

[lynn P.]

Thanks so much Silversparrow, that makes me feel good.