Maybe it IS me?

Here I am the mother of a 17 year old, thinking I had done a good job of raising him - now having doubts. He has been officially diagnosed as depressed and is on Prozac and sees as psych every couple of weeks. I try to be patient with his moods, cook his favourite meals so that he eats something and try to be understanding and be there for him - maybe this is whats wrong? Maybe I try too hard?
I ask him what he wants to eat (which is usually something that is totally different to what everyone else wants) defrost the meat or whatever, cook 2 different meals, take the dish into him (as he now wants to eat alone in his room) only for him to say "Oh, I'm not really hungry" and then leaves it. Then when its bed time (usually close to midnight) he decides he is hungry and expects me to bring him some food then - well I think this is unreasonable! But I'm not supposed to cause him anxiety - and I have to make sure he eats.
I also think he should at least clean away the dozen or so half empy water bottles and empy Coke cans in the bin rather than have them all over his desk in his bedroom - but apparently (as the Psych told me) I was wrong to say anything to him. That it sounded like a 5 minute job and that I would have spent that much time telling him off when I could have just cleaned them away rather than cause him any anxiety (and I had to pay her $250!)
Then he says to me "It's a shame you don't clean the house like you used too". Apart from all my husbands computer crap (and the fact that he never throws anything away) and which is oozing out of his office room into my kitchen, we have his dead parents belongings in a house that we didn't have that much room to begin with - it is very difficult to keep a clean house and vaccum when you can't actually get into the room.
I ask him whats wrong and if he wants to talk and he says "I cant tell you anything because you have an attitude" or just tells me "shut up!"
My sister (who has been through 2 husbands and has 3 kids) says to me "You are a bad mother and you shouldn't be jealous of me because I have 3 kids and I am a good mother. I feel sorry for your son.....etc etc." (Believe me I'm not jelous of her situation or her) My mums says "It's the parents fault" (except when I remind them of things they did).
Well I'm sick of it! and so I'm venting here and yes I feel a little better for it.However, I still have a feeling of sadness that I can't do anything that's right. Maybe it is me? But I don't think it can be all my fault?

Lisa

Sounds to me it is you.....

You being too soft on them, I would tell the hubby to clean up some of the mess himself and the son well, depression does not make him physicaly disabled so he is able to make himself some food if he is hungry.

Can you put his husband's parents stuff in a storage? As far as cooking for him, he is 17! My kids eat what I make, I don't offer restaurant service in my house. Doesn't he know how to make a sandwich or a bowl of cereal if he is hungry? As far as the trash in his room, just shut the door and stay out of there than you don't have to worry about it. When he gets sick of the mess, or the fruit flies, he will clean it up. It is his mess, let him do it. You are NOT his maid and he is old enough to take care of himself, so let him.
Does he respond to his dad the same way? He may be depressed, but you are still providing for him and if he can't treat you with any respect, he needs to know that is NOT acceptable.
My kids are 13 and 14 and since they were very young, they learned that we all help clean the house, we all help prepare meals, and we all talk respectful of each other. They even do their own laundry and clean their rooms. ( I don't have to make them, they do it on their own) If he didn't learn these things when he was younger, you can't expect for him to act any differently now. I would stop with the separate meals, and if he doesn't like what you are making, he can make himself a sandwich or eat what you prepared. Let him be responsible to eat, he isn't a little baby or toddler. If he is THAT sick, then he needs to be in a mental hospital or a nursing home.

((( HUGS ))) ~ ~ ~ ~ ((( HUGS )))

While you do need to be a little understanding during your son's bout with depression I would suggest that you not go to easy on him or he will learn that he can take advantage of you, therefore, stop doing things for him self.... which btw is not good for any one dealing with depression.

I'm currently 19 and the last time I got the room-service at home was when I either was incredibly ill or managed to damage something so I couldn't move easily. Other than that, I sometimes cook dinner for the family or my father does or we both do.

In my family, him talking to you that way would quickly have him thinking before even breathing. It doesn't matter if he is depressed, bipolar, has a broken arm or leg, you deserve to be spoken to with respect. If you have done something to anger him, then he should tell you what it is and depending on the circumstances, he should let it out. In our family, we have no problem calling you out and getting straight in your face. You may want to do less of it depending if you're able to and if you want to do so.

Perhaps cleaning the extra stuff up would make it much easier for you and the family around the house.

If I were you, then when he asked for food at midnight, I'd tell him to go hungry or make it himself. He's 17 not 7, perhaps he cant cook a five-course meal but he can at least make something for himself.

Lay down the hammer and make sure he gives you the respect you deserve. When he is to do something, let it be known to him that it's not an option, it is a demand and you're in charge. If he still gives lip, then don't be afraid to cross his personal space and you leave when not after you've said it, you leave after he has finished cleaning. If he still gives lip or gives attitude during or after it, violate his personal space even more and don't give him much respect when he doesn't give much to you. At least that is how it works in my family most of the time.

I'm not sure if you're willing to give him a slap upside the head or not when he's pretty much begging for it or not. That's up to you.

However, don't get down on yourself, stay positive, stay strong, demand respect and kindness. Be sure not to give the same lip and attitude towards him though.

Wow, there are bad therapists out there you know, perhaps he needs a different one. If his therapist is saying he can't pick up his own drink bottles/cans there is a problem. It sounds like there is a lot of manipulation going on. At 17 he's old enough to make his own midnight meal, and clean up his mess behind him.

How is the Prozac working for him? In my experience there have been two completely different reactions to this drug. My Aunt, who is aggressive by nature turned into a lamb on this medication. My son, who had never shown any type of aggression of any type turned into a monster.

I am on prozac and its made me like the lamb thank goodness.

I know it is my fault that I have made him that way. I think because he is an only child I have let him get away with alot in his life - and it probably wasn't the right thing to do. I do think his is somewhat manipulative of the whole situation too.
I don't know how I can react to the whole situation and be understanding of his depression. I don't know how tough I can be now, without tipping him over the edge.
The Prozac has made him very calm - he calmly tells me he will do something, and then he calmly doesn't get it done - it is all very calm. Except for me of course.

Lisa

I would calmly point out how it is very hard for you at the moment and how you would like him to help out by doing things for himself as you wont be able to anymore .....

Then leave him to it.

If he wants to sleep in a room that is a pigsty then he has that choice ! If he wants to go hungry then again he has that choice !

Nagging wont help anyone.

Backing off and leaving him to it will.